We were standing in the bathroom, a few days ago, New Year’s Eve to be exact – it was Mackenzie and me.  Her fluffy white towel wrapped snuggly around her waiting for me to help her get dressed.  I had just brought in her clothes and she was frowning.

What had I brought her to wear?

From my perspective: it was a brand new outfit from Gymboree (purchased on sale of course) and it was super cute – sparkling pink corduroys and the matching lavender and pink striped shirt.  I thought for sure she’d love it – girly, but simple.

From her perspective: It was plain.  Her favorite shirt was in her dresser drawer, and this wasn’t it.  The stripes were boring and even though it was brand new, it wasn’t enough.  frown. frown. frown.

After long conversation, she put it on because she had to, (because I’m the mama) but not with a happy contented heart. Truthfully, it made me sad because I shopped and purchased those clothes for her, because I love her and had her “likes” (or dislikes as the case may be) in mind.

The new year came into view later that day, but I kept thinking about that little exchange with my baby girl.  She and I are so alike.

You know, I wore 2015 around like my daughter in her least favorite shirt.  It wasn’t my favorite year- I’ve seen better (or so I’ve thought without realizing it, till just now).  I wore it because I had to. And although I tried to be grateful for the blessings from my Father’s hand, I can say I was not extraordinarily content or happy about them.  I’m always looking for the next better or exciting gift, even though He gave so much – and it was exactly what He planned for me, knowing my needs.

I didn’t realize how insulting my behavior in 2015 was, until my daughter didn’t like the new shirt I provided…  Thankfully, my Heavenly Father is gracious and gentle with me ; His mercies are fresh and new, here at the beginning of 2016!

Long lists of resolutions are not really my thing, but as the New Year rolled in, I asked the Lord to help me be grateful and content in Him.  That may mean any manner of blessings and trials alike, I realize that.   It is my prayer that living a thankful, satisfied life will bring a deeper, abiding joy in Him this 2016.

I stared at my computer.  In a show down with an unacceptable email I had received, I squinted my eyes and glared at the screen.  Slamming my laptop shut, I stormed away.  I was angry.  No, infuriated.

In a few minutes, I came back and opened the computer again.  Nope.  still mad.  And I walked away again.

I tried to sleep on it.

The next morning, I was still irritated when I tried to think through the situation.  You know that phrase, “things will look better in the morning?”   Yeah, that isn’t always true.    A friend had let me down.  BAM.  no explanation. no understanding.  So, there I was high and dry with no comfort and no immediate solution.

When Michael came home from work I tried to discuss it with him, but I didn’t find him as sympathetic as I’d hoped. humph.

So, I went to my room to pout and pray about it.  Pouring my frustrated little heart out, so let down and frazzled by it all,  I found myself wanting the Savior of the world to snatch away any blessings he may have given this friend… As my prayer turned into more and more of a rant, I’m pretty sure I heard Him say quietly,

“Sometimes you let me down…”

oh.  shoot.

“And I still forgive you…”

As I sat on my bed I tried my best to let these thoughts settle down deep in my heart.

What is the real truth?  The only One who has the right to call out sin, and  bad decisions and sinful actions or  in-action, is the truly perfect and sinless Jesus Christ.  And what do I know of my relationship with Him? He does not point out my mistakes and errors and sin with condemnation or anger.  Although His anger would be justified after the sacrifice He has made.

No, in mercy He reaches towards me with love ; with a gentle hand He chastises me and He draws my heart to repentance.  And He does this, He forgives, so that as I know forgiveness I also can forgive others.

Heavenly Father, Thank you for loving me and forgiving me no matter how many times I let you down.  Help me to give that same loving forgiveness to others with a tender heart.   amen.

I went to Aldi’s today for a little pre-Thanksgiving grocery shopping.  The only word I can think of to describe the trip is mad house.  My Aldi was packed with crazed holiday shoppers buying every manner of food items you might need for the big feast.   It was almost a grocery cart traffic jam.

No less than three times I ran into (almost literally) the same woman who seemed to be shopping for the same items as me, except she may have been shopping for a family three times the size of mine.  Each time I tried to say something friendly and smile.    Initially she was unable to respond in kind.   But, by the last time we met we discussed the pros and cons of the Aldi’s freezer selections.  As I was pushing my cart thru the parking lot to get my bags to the car, I ran into her one more time.  She waved and smiled and I wished her a happy thanksgiving.

First, I want to say I’m not a stalker.  Second, being outgoing is not typically difficult for me.  Though I grew up a bit north of here in the midwest, my family has taught me this: be kind to people in your path.  Look folks in the eye.  Speak kindly.  That kind of thing.   Having made sure you understand those specifics, I wanted to share what I realized today.  North, south, east, west – I’ve noticed people are tense.  Even here in the south, where it is typical, even expected that you would make conversation in the grocery line, people are not at ease in public the way we used to be.   Fear is no respecter of geography or cultural norms.

Did I mention the lady I spoke to looked like it was possible she might be from the middle east?  I can’t say for sure whether she was or wasn’t…

Honestly, I’ve walked on our city’s streets and wondered if there’ll be an attack here, like there was in Paris.  And I know it is not an impossibility.   I’m not paralyzed by my fears and anxiety. Not exactly.  I’m just not as friendly as I was.  Instead I tiptoe around afraid.  And worse, I’m suspicious.    This is the opposite of loving my neighbor.

Recently I’ve been bombarded on Facebook and social media and news outlets about refugees coming to our country, and what our Christian response to them should be.  It seems ridiculous for me to be thinking about housing refugees when I become extremely nervous just seeing a person of middle eastern decent in public.  And don’t tell me I’m alone in this: I’m not the only one who is afraid of all the scenarios of “what might happen.”

Today, I began to understand that loving my neighbor has to start in the checkout line at the grocery store.  It is moving beyond my anxious heart and believing that I must love those God allows me to meet.  Will I ever use my home or my resources to show God’s love to Syrian refugees?  I truly don’t know.  I will leave that to Him and try to move obediently into opportunities He gives.   But, I will love my neighbor as He commanded starting now – even at Aldi’s.

Matthew 22:36-40   “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?”   Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”