what if I believed?

I was sick last week.  My frame of mind became less than realistic.  I wanted to be well.  I wanted to get up and moving. I expected to heal quickly and get things back to normal.  But, my body wasn’t gonna have it. Nope.  I was down for the count.

While I attempted to run my household from the living room couch, my life closed in on me.  Slowly all of my responsibilities, began to hover around my shoulders in a thick fog.  House work, home schooling, responsibilities at church, piano lessons;  all swirling about, mocking my inability to get anything done. All I could do was lie there and be tormented.  My control freak nature reared its ugly head, with manipulation and frustration following closely behind.

Because of last week I realized:  I don’t always believe.

The fog has lifted now and I’ve been pondering it all.  Often when I’m least able to do what is necessary, at the most inopportune times, I attempt to grab the reigns from Him and get control of the situation, even when it is not mine to control.  Which begs the following questions:

What if I actually, really believed that I’m not in control?  How would my life change if I believed HE is in control?

These are some of the things I’ve thought of just today…

If I truly believed He is in control of it all…

I would pray far more often, and more sincerely for His will rather than some of my earthly desires.

In tense or awkward situations, I’d be able to relax and laugh rather than be frustrated.

I could enjoy math with Emily.

my future (and my children’s future) wouldn’t cause me such intense worry.

in my home, disobedient children would be met with love and diligence on my part, rather than anger and impatience.

I would relinquish my obsessive thinking over things that are out of my control, and instead search Scripture for real answers.

my life would be lived with courage rather than fear.

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Here’s the truth:  I am super great at believing theological truths regarding His omnipotence (He is all powerful), His omnipresence (He is everywhere) , and His omniscience (He knows all).  But when the going gets tough, I get going – maybe in His name, maybe not.  My theology flies out the window and I work really hard to get everything in hand.

Here is an even bigger and more wonderful truth : I don’t need to get anything in hand … its already in His hands.  every bit of it.  And no matter what I do, I can’t change that fact.  I can live an abundant life, the life that He promises, finding rest in His hands.  I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father who will walk with me, teaching me these tough lessons, drawing me closer to belief and ultimately to surrender.

So. To answer my question, what if I believed?  If I believed, I would surrender.  

And to that end I pray. Let it be so, in my heart Lord, let it be.

amen