Well, I realized today that perhaps I left a few folks hanging over the weekend.  And by folks I mean my friends and loved ones who are far away and read my blog to keep up with what’s going on with me.  So sorry about that.

If you don’t need to know, by all means, you don’t need to continue reading this blog post.  I don’t intend to make my blog solely about dealing with illness by any means – but I do want to give a quick shout out to everyone who would like to know.    Seriously, I’m not good at this whole thing.

So what did last Friday’s gift turn out to be?

This was my gift in the mail today:

Last Friday at my appointment, okay wait, let me back up a bit…

Michael and I have been praying for guidance.  Should we ask for further opinions regarding my ongoing treatment?  Was it reasonable to ask my current physician to ask for a referral to a separate practice where they only treat my condition?

This is all very new territory for us and we don’t really know what we’re doing.  When I got to the appointment I had plenty of time to wait and pray.  I felt as though God was preparing my way.  And He was.

Before I had barely begun conversation with my doctor, he suggested that he didn’t really know what my treatment plan should look like, wasn’t terribly familiar with prescription I need to use, or really with my diagnosis, for that matter.  Further, he said that he thought I should proceed with a referral to the clinic at Vanderbilt.  There is a physician there who specifically treats different forms of T-cell Lymphoma.

On July 10th I will go to Vanderbilt for my initial consult and a less ambiguous course of treatment will be put in place.  This is a huge blessing, and we rejoice that He removed from the path what seemed like a complicated obstacle.

In one sense, receiving this package in the mail today was difficult.  Every time we move a step forward with treatment, the diagnosis becomes that much more real in my heart of hearts.  But, this gift that came today, continues to be just that: a gift.  It seems to be an invitation to press in closer and lean harder on my Heavenly Father who is walking this journey with me.  In the midst of my reality, He is good.

If I could say one thing to all of you, who are my friends and loved ones walking this road with me, caring faithfully for me it would be this:  THANK YOU!  If I could hug each of your necks I would!  The prayers you offer on my behalf have become the very peace of my heart and I am so very grateful.   Please, don’t stop!

These words from James 5 are new to me at this time in my life:

¹⁵ And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. ¹⁶ Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  and lots of love to you all.

Melody.

Recently while I was at a home schooling conference, I attended a mind boggling workshop.  The information shared wasn’t so complicated.  It was more the presenter and her own life’s circumstances that shocked me.

She sat in a wheelchair at the front of the room.  Her speech was slightly slurred due to a seizure she’d had earlier in the day.  She didn’t address her own illness, but she did refer to her four children all of whom have severe learning disorders combined with various levels of autism.

Her attitude was innocent and positive.  Her demeanor was relaxed and gentle.  In the middle of her talk she said something that absolutely blew. my. mind.  She said that everyone one of her life’s circumstances were a gift.

say what?

“Every one of life’s circumstances is a gift.  You just have to choose to view it that way.”

Now, I’ll tell you this.  I went into that workshop thinking I had stuff going on, that I had some sort of difficult circumstances in my own life.  It didn’t take long, sitting in that room, listening to this woman speak to realize that my trials were pretty small compared to hers.

Since then I haven’t been able to forget about her and the talk she gave that day.  Truly, each of us have our own struggles and pain.  Life ebbs and flows with trials and mercies.  I, myself right now am dealing with a diagnosis of T-cell lymphoma.  The diagnosis itself has taken me to new places that I’ve never been before; my relationship with the Lord on my part has become more steadfast and constant, less wavering and faulty.  He never waivers or falters in His thoughts towards me.

But never, did I ever consider lymphoma a gift.  Not until she said those words.

However, as I look back at the twelve weeks since I began treatment, I can honestly say that He is doing a work in my heart: the uprooting of my sin and lack of faith; the drawing close in His care and affection for me;  the new-found protection of my heart and mind in the midst of fears and anxieties; a more distinct knowledge of Him and also the ability to share this new strength of heart with others who are disheartened. All of these, plus many more are gifts. They have been carefully selected, by my Heavenly Father, just for me.

Though I’ve said it before, I’ll tell you again, I don’t believe that He created lymphoma.  But, I do believe He has carefully orchestrated, in His sovereignty every moment and event surrounding my own diagnosis.  And I am learning to consider it all a gift.

Today is another portion of that gift to me.  After 12 weeks of treatment, I head back to the doctor’s office to see where things stand.  More treatment?  Another biopsy? A break from treatment?  Through medicine and many prayers of saints, I am also hoping to experience the grace-gift of His healing.  I don’t know what will happen at this appointment, what the next steps will be, or how we will need to proceed.

But, I’m grateful that I will walk through this day today, squeezing the Heavenly Father’s hand tightly and I will receive whatever comes today as a gift.  amen.

Jeremiah 29:11  “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

(photo : Mackenzie, last trip to the pool, summer of 2012)

The sun was shining this afternoon while I stood by the side of the “baby” pool watching my baby girl splash.  My other two, Em and Isaac, were just to my right swimming in the “big” pool, jumping in and diving for their water toys.

Mackenzie had decided she would attempt to empty the baby pool, one pail of water at a time.  She scooped and dumped.  scooped and dumped.  scooped and dumped.  However, it did not seem remarkable to me that the pool’s water was not receding at all.  There were so many gallons, even in the Signal Mountain baby pool, that it was impossible for her to empty it with her little pail.

impossible.

As I stood by, looking on, I couldn’t help but think back to just an hour earlier.

Just before we arrived at the pool I had a few not so proud mommy moments, where Mackenzie reached in to my soul and drained me of every ounce of patience that I had.  If my heart were a sponge, she would have squeezed every last drop right out of me.  My proverbial buttons were pushed and I exploded!  While it is true that there is an unlimited supply of patience available to me, I’m not always full of patience. There are way too many days where I end up running dry long before my kids are tucked into bed and my head hits the pillow.  I wish it weren’t possible but it is.

very possible, in fact.

And just when I think I’m about to win Mom of the year…  After all, we’re doing so much cool summer stuff together, I’m savoring the chilled-out summer time with my kiddos… and bam!  I forget and I become too independent.  I think I’ve got the bases covered, and I don’t need to fill up with all those things the Holy Spirit offers – you know, love, kindness, goodness, patience…  and all of the fruits that are listed in Scripture for survival…

But the truth is:  I need help to survive as a Mom. I just do.  I need Jesus, everything that He is, and everything that He has promised me for living a fruitful and joyful life.

In Colossians 1 Paul writes a letter where he says, – (this is kind of my own version,) “Hey listen, we just heard y’all are loving God and loving each other – and we’re really excited about it and we hope you are able to keep it up!”    But then Paul, who knows first hand just how difficult it is, tells them he’s praying for them, and this is what he says he is praying for (well, this is the beginning of his prayer):

⁹ For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; ¹⁰ that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; ¹¹ strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; ¹² giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. ¹³ He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, ¹⁴ in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.

I like verse 11 so much because he is reminding them it is going to require all of the strength and might offered by the power of Christ to live patiently and faithfully with joy!  This same strength, this unlimited amount of power, the patience and joy that He is talking about, because of Christ’s redeeming work on the cross, is also mine!  I can live the life of a patiently joyful Mom when I appropriate the grace Paul describes.

Patience, joy, love,- all by His power.  I can’t drain it to the bottom.  I can’t squeeze Him empty.  I can’t run Him dry and use it all up!  Praise God,  it is a complete, full and never ending supply!  amen.

 

 

(This morning I was reminded of this blog post from last summer.  I am amazed by what God was teaching me even then, to prepare me for what was ahead.)

Little sister stood alone, staring at the long yellow strip of slippery plastic.  She could not find the strength to step out.

Big sister came along side, “Why don’t you let me help you?” (She was a frequent rider of the bright yellow slide.)

Little sister tiptoed down the runway.

At the end she cried, completely unsure of the accomplishment. “Is that how I was supposed to do it?  Is that it?” The others tried their best to wait patiently.

Eventually she stood at the bottom, waiting for others to plunge by…  Cheering them on, with shouts and claps of joy.  She had already done it – she knew what it was.

And later on she went again, and again, and again.

To me, these are beautiful photographs of my children. But, they also explain some of my own sentiments in life right now.  While walking this journey, sometimes I face unknowns, overwhelming circumstances – and I look around at the end of a trial – and I say to my Heavenly Father, “Was that it?  Did I manage it right?  What was that for?”  Tentative, at best.  I know He was with me; I felt His presence all along – but, I could not claim understanding.

Could it be that later (much, much later) when the time is right, I’ll realize that I’ve been prepared? I’ll be able to come along side a sister and say, “I’ve done this before.  Can I walk this road with you?”  And I’ll stand in full view of fellow travelers on their way cheering and clapping with joy for them because I know what it means to survive.  Because I’m confident He’ll be with them, too.

I don’t have to know.  Just trust His words:

from Romans 8:
²⁸ And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 

(originally written June 24, 2012)

(My three favorite little people, who offer me more Christ-like grace than I ever thought I needed or deserved.  I love them so!)

Saturday morning I woke up in a panic.  There were not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything that had accumulated on my to-do list, and I knew it.  In fact, I knew it so well, that I had worried about it in my sleep.  And when I woke up that morning, my whole body ached from the tension.

I was a wreck.

In my typical fashion, I lay in bed, and tried to pretend that it was no big deal, until Michael woke up. Noticing that I was tied up in knots, he simply asked, “What’s wrong?”

I dissolved into tears.

I tried to explain what was going on.  There was cleaning and laundry, a myriad of errands, grocery shopping, haircuts, preparation for Sunday, cooking and baking for company that was coming into town, and that’s just the stuff that I didn’t cut from the list.  All of the items on this master list had their own individual lists.

I was on the brink of hyperventilating and smearing snot and tears everywhere, when he said, “Give yourself a little grace, here.”

Well, “Of all the nerve!” I thought to myself, “Doesn’t he know? I’m not the type of gal who needs grace!  Not for my house work! I make lists and I get things done. period.”

grace.  It felt like his suggestion was an insult.

The fact of the matter is this:   In many ways I’ve regularly applied His grace to my heart for other needs, but not like this.  Not as a housewife and the keeper of my home.  I’ve always had the “I am woman, hear me roar!” kind of mindset.   But, at this stage in my life and everything it entails, I have to surrender to grace instead of perfection. We all know perfection is a myth anyway, but often I find it hard to rely on His grace as the gift that it is; often I think of it as a cop-out, or a sign of weakness.

Living within the means of His Grace, requires me to acknowledge my inadequacies:  I am weak.  I cannot make it on my own.   I need this all sufficient grace.

But let me tell you about this Scripture from John 1 that has rolled around in my mind all weekend:

¹⁴ And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. ¹⁵ (John bore witness about him, and cried out, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me.’”) ¹⁶ For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.

He came to earth full of this very grace that I need.  When I received Him, in His fullness, I received enough grace for myself, and more to give away to others.  Grace, for strength to accomplish what I normally cannot in my own flesh, but also grace to believe that it is okay when I make a mistake, or things don’t turn out the way I planned.

And Saturday, let me tell you, I needed grace upon grace upon grace.   Many items on my lists were checked off.  But, many more were left undone.  My out of town company had clean towels and good food, but the rest of my laundry did not get done.  My house was tidy, but not spic ‘n span clean.

Do you know what happened?  nothing.  My family survived and continues to love me, in spite of my shortcomings.   I’ve realized it is okay to need grace for this very specific place in my life.  He knew I’d need it, that’s why He came, and why He continues to offer it so freely.

Thank you Heavenly Father, for this life that you given me – that your grace flows through all of the moments of my life, and is always enough.  Let my days be grace-filled days, and remind me as your follower, to offer that same grace to others.  amen.

We hit up the Pumpkin Patch, a favorite local park on Signal Mountain yesterday.  Cousins, Burl and Fern, along with their Mama met us there.  And later, one of Emily’s best friends, who she’s known since she can remember, arrived and played with us too.

A large part of our time at the park was spent on the giant slide.  Climb up the ladder. Go down the slide.  repeat.  one thousand times.

Mackenzie just yelled “Geronimo!” over and over as she came down.  I have no idea where she learned that.

At one point I heard Isaac say, “This is the best time ever at the park.”

Because everyone knows ups and downs are much better with cousins.

In the past few days and weeks I’ve been thinking over some of my relationships.   I used to think that I simply pick my friends and my relationships and that I move through life within that framework – that I was in control, I was the mastermind of my social-emotional-relational life.  After all, Scripture does advise us to choose friends wisely, and to be careful of who is in our company…

But, the truth is every significant relationship in my life has been orchestrated by his hand.  Family members, and friends alike, I can’t really claim as my own doing.    He has given these as beautiful, genuine, sincere gifts to me providentially, lovingly.

for the ups.  and the downs.

I’m grateful for what he’s done for me, and for the gifts I can see He is giving to my children.