I sat, breathless.
I stared at the words written on the paper. I could almost make out what he was saying in the background… something about “non-life threatening, no need to really be too concerned. We’ll just take another biopsy for study…”
Hands shaking, trying to focus on the trembling paper, I could barely see the words. I thought if I stared long enough, they would make sense. Maybe I had misunderstood.
Clinching the paper, the 2nd biopsy completed, I left the examination room and walked to the car in complete disbelief. The first biopsy results were supposed to say psoriasis or some kind of allergic response or eczema or… anything. but not this.
not lymphoma.
no. no. no. no. no. no.
Two weeks. I would have to wait for 14 long, exhausting days to go back for the results of the second biopsy. The pathologist and Phil, my NP, felt fairly confident that we were looking at a very unusual diagnosis: Cutaneous T-cell Lymphoma (CTCL).
Well, it wasn’t pretty. I wrestled. I lost sleep. I prayed. I lost more sleep. and I yelled at God really loud, shortly after I told Him I’d surrender to whatever His will was for my life. I begged for more faith and for peace. But I couldn’t deny it: I felt abandoned and hopeless.
How could this happen? I needed answers, and I needed them pronto! It was the longest two weeks of my life. ever. All I could do was worry and wish the days away. This storm in my heart caused tremors that shook the very core of my faith: one moment I was completely confident in my Heavenly Father, the next I wasn’t sure if I could hang on another second.
Today Michael and I went in for the results on the second biopsy. I don’t want to bore you with medical jargon here in this blog post, but we don’t exactly have the answers I was expecting. Suffice it to say there will be much waiting and testing in my near future with at least 6 more biopsies and trial treatments. All of this without many answers on standby.
Many conversations laced with tears, and several deep breaths later, I’ve come to a realization. It happened when I said out loud to my sweet husband, (who after these past two weeks I must confirm that he is a saint) “What are we supposed to do without a firm diagnosis?” and within seconds I knew…
My real condition is impatient worrier – and, could it be possible that my Heavenly Father is going to treat this heart diagnosis with t cell lymphoma?
You know, I don’t believe that He created cancer. Rather, it is a result of this sinful, fallen world. But, I do believe that He can allow certain things, if it is going to draw us closer to Him and bring Himself glory.
This afternoon in my broken condition, even though I’m still trying to figure out what having lymphoma is like, I prayed. I sincerely surrendered the best that I could, and asked that He be glorified : whether my life becomes an example of patience in my circumstances and trust in His sovereign will, or whether it is through complete healing. I believe that as I take this journey, I will begin to understand what it means to live daily by faith, trusting Him in ways I never imagined, giving Him the burdens I’m not able to carry, believing His timing is best.
this passage from Luke 22 is extraordinary, for today…
31 And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. 32 But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.”
Heavenly Father,
Will you give me courage for the road ahead and strengthen my faith? Let my life be a light that draws others to You. Be glorified in all things. amen.
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Dear Friends,
I wrote this blog post so that I could tell you about what is going on with me. I must tell you that what I am dealing with physically seems smallish in comparison with what He is doing in my heart.
The diagnosis that is being considered – CTCL – is very rare and complicated to diagnose in the early stages, which gratefully I can tell you we are in the very early stages. But it also means we do not have a complete diagnosis. Based on the facts of what conditions have been excluded in the biopsies so far, we are proceeding with treatment for CTCL with a “chemo type of cream” in the very near future. This is a chronic condition, so it is likely that we will continue to watch and treat it over the years, sometimes more aggressively than others.
Of course, I’m giving you the very, very short version of this whole story. If you know me personally and wish to know more, please don’t hesitate to call – and I’ll fill you in on the details. Otherwise, as He does this grueling work, you can be sure to catch many details right here, on the blog. In full disclosure, I will say that I covet your prayers. I know that I cannot survive this journey alone without my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Truly, I believe He may choose to heal me of the disease. But I also believe that He is doing a work in my heart so that my faith becomes what He desires it to be. May it be so, to His glory!
with much love to you all,
Melody.
daily portion 
Wow, Melody…love and prayers. please call if you need anything!
Oh sweet Melody! You KNOW that God will not give you more than you can handle – – and I believe you are absolutely spot on by saying there will be people/strangers/friends who will be watching you as you travel this journey. The “world of medicine” is remarkable these days – – what years ago would be considered untreatable is today very curable. I will continue to pray for you and your family as you travel down this road. I love you dearly – – and still can see the litte girl runnng in the door for me to brush her long hair for the school day. AND as much as we ALL love you, God loves you more!
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! lots of love to you from Chattanooga! 🙂
Oh Cousin I love you. Your prayer to let your life be a light that draws others to you is being answered. Your words above have stirred something in my heart that I cannot explain except to say that it is the power of God working through you.
I am praying for you and your sweet family.
thank you my dear cousin!
My sweet friend! I’ve been thinking of you. I fell asleep with you on my mind last night. I recognized that I had not seen any FB post from you lately. But then again, I haven’t been on FB much myself. I just whispered a blessing over you and your family. I am surprised and not surprised at the same time to see your post on FB this morning. I know that God drops people in my heart and there is usually a reason. So I knew you were probably needing Him. I didn’t ask Him questions last night as He brought you to my attention. That’s my fault. But He is just and sovereign and knew I would log onto FB long enough to see your post. I am standing in agreement with you, my dear Sister, that God is in control, He’s got this, He can heal you! Though you maybe sifted as fine wheat, in the end your faith will stand strong. I will be thinking of and lifting your family up to our most High God. I know what’s gonna happen…YOU…ARE…GONNA…give GOD the GLORY through all of this! I’m confident and can’t wait to see it! We love you and your family.
Thank you Dee Dee! your prayers and encouragement have been so refreshing for me and I appreciate it so much! keep the prayers comin! md
Melody, it has been years since I last saw you… maybe your HS graduation party? My heart goes out to you and your family. My sister in Christ Jesus I offer you encouragement learned by walking… some days tripping, some days falling, but always with the Lord beside me on the journey down my own long hard path. I would like to share with you the verses and promises I am learning to trust…. fully rest in and deeply depend on to find comfort. I’ll write them to you from the note cards I keep by my bed. Some of these you have probably heard all your life but they take on new meaning with news such as you just received.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deut 3:16. Don’t be afraid of this… God knows what is going on with you. You can use this for Gods glory by showing the saved and the unsaved that you will not deal with this as the world deals with news of this nature. God always wins and because you are his you always win too… no matter what the news. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” Prov 3:6
The Lord knows how we feel which is why he tells us so often in his gentle way not to let fear in your heart. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” John 14:27.
I don’t mean to diminish how hard this is for you or the seriousness of the potential outcome. I hope to give you ammunition so you can protect yourself on the journey. God will build you up! “My friends, be glad, even when you have a lot of trouble. You know that you learn to endure by having your faith tested. But you must learn to endure everything, so that you will be completely mature and not lacking in anything. If any of you lack wisdom, you should ask God, and it will be given to you. God is generous and won’t correct you for asking. But when you ask for something, you must have faith and not doubt.” James 1:2-6a.
When this season of trial is over God tells you that you will be more beautiful and precious than you are today. “But he knows the way that I take: when he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold. Job 23:10.
This is all for a good reason because God, who loves you and sent his son to die for you, is a good God. Not that he would need to… because after all he is God, but it seems that one day he will even tell us the answers our entire list of WHY questions. “Now all we can see of God is like a cloudy picture in a mirror. Later we will see him face to face. We do not know everything, but then we will, just as God completely understands us.” 1 Cor 13:12
God is with you Melody as are the prayers of many… including mine.
Thank you Sarah for your very timely words! They have encouraged my heart so much – and I have read your comments several times over the past few days! Thank you for allowing the Lord to use you and your journey to minister to me! md
You are welcome. It is a good feeling to be, by God’s grace, used as a messenger of truth and hope for you. When the world turns up the heat, God’s word truly is living water for the thirsty soul! -sf
Hi Melody. I read this with a big Wow in my mind and on the tip of my tongue. Both the possible diagnosis, but even more your journey with the Lord. Thanks so much for your many transparent blogs, and now this which can stand on the shoulders of the others. Be assured of our prayers, with much love. This week out of the Daily Bread, the Lord gave me Zeph. 3:15,16 just when I needed it. Perhaps He will encourage your heart there to. “The Lord is with you daughter of Zion, mighty to save!” Yes.
Thank you Uncle Don! I have read these words also – and I am trusting and resting in this sovereign Lord who is more than able to save! I am grateful for your thoughts and prayers! md
Hi Melody,
I am a coworker of Michael’s and we had a great discussion this morning about life in general. I too am going through a new medical diagnosis that is chronic and have been pretty bummed out and struggling with God and I too believe what is going on in me is
about my heart not my health and my surrendering to God’s will. Thank you so much for sharing. This blog as well as my discussion with Michael this morning has been a blessing to meYou will be on my prayer list. In Christ, Ida
Ida, I am grateful to know that God is at work in my life – and in yours too! I will be praying for you, that you will see His glory magnified in your life – and that others will see it too! blessings, and prayers for you from the Day family as you walk this new journey. md