big, fat liar

When I was in the first grade, I made an unfortunate choice.  Our class went to the library, just like usual one afternoon and I chose a book.  A big kid book – a Nancy Drew mystery – close to 200 pages long, I’m sure.

We finished up at the library, and with books in hand we came back to our classroom for reading time.  I would guess that reading time was probably about 20 minutes long.  Of course, for me, a six year old first grader, the Nancy Drew book was a little difficult.  I paged through the book, flipped to the end, and closed my book sitting on my desk in front of me.

My teacher, Mrs. Huarez approached my desk.  “Melody, why aren’t you reading?” she asked.  And here’s where I made that very poor choice.  “I’m finished.”  I replied.  “Oh, you can’t be finished yet!  Why don’t you read a little more?” she asked. “I already read it all,” was my response. “Melody, are you sure?” she said incredulously. “Yes,” I said without hesitation, “I’m done.”  Shortly after our exchange, she and I went to visit my dad, in his office down the hall… and I continued my story.  I was sticking to it…

In an unavoidable turn of events that day, I chose to be a liar.

The conversation plummeted downhill from there, ending in discipline from my dad.  Because I wanted everyone to believe that I was a stellar, first grade speed- reader, I was unable to change my story and admit, that I was just a regular student.  My six year old little mind didn’t realize that they knew the truth regardless of my answers.  My teacher and my dad – they knew me well enough to know what kind of student I was, and the reading I was capable of – I didn’t need a story.   They loved me, no matter what my ability was.

Funny thing about it is, I’m still a liar now.  Not about my reading level of course, but about other stuff.  I tell my Heavenly Father things about myself all the time that aren’t true…  Because I think its important to Him.  I want Him to think I’m following closely, that I’m loving Him better than I used to, that I’m obeying – when He knows better than anyone that I’m not.

But I don’t need to lie.

As a sinner, saved by His grace, He loves me in spite of all of my shortcomings and failures. He doesn’t love me because of how hard I try, or because of who I think I am.  In fact, He loved me long before I ever knew how to try.  He loved me first.  When I’m honest about who I am, that’s when He pulls me closer and says, let me help you.  As I give my whole self to Him entirely, with all the ugliness and confusion, He is able to forgive me and make me into the beautiful Christ-follower I long to be.

When I believe His love is real and true, I come to know more clearly – I don’t have to be a big fat liar anymore.  What a relief!

We love Him because He first loved us.