friends and loved ones · who knows?

Immanuel

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My husband Michael is headed out of town this weekend.  I’m excited.  I’m panicked.  I’m dreading his absence.  He is going to have a great time doing a Christmas gig with a friend who lives far away.  I am going to try to survive.

Its been quite some time since we have been apart over night.  It used to happen more frequently, when we only had Emily.  But not so much these days.

Putting him on the plane tomorrow morning will be hard for me.  No matter if a loved one is leaving for a weekend or a year, it always brings me to my knees.  I’m forced to deal with my mortality and theirs.  I find myself examining my doubts and fears once again.  What if something happens and he doesn’t come back?  What if I’m left alone?  What if something happens to us while he’s gone?

My imagination has been on the loose today, frivolously using up all of my mental energy. There is a huge lump in the pit of my stomach and it feels like I could burst into tears any moment.  In an effort to contain it all, I sat down with a bit of quiet music on, here by my Christmas tree.  While reflecting, we had a little chat, He and I did…

“I’m having trouble letting go… it seems so silly, he’ll only be gone two days…”

“Do you feel like he’s yours to hold onto?”

“Well, of course he’s mine – we made vows… I couldn’t bear to be without him…”

“you know, really he belongs to me, I’m just sharing him with you for a while.”

“Oh Father, I couldn’t handle being alone.  I just couldn’t manage it.”

And He said to me in quiet caressing tones, “That will never happen. I am here.”

As my heart calmed a bit, I stared at my tree and realized something very very important about Christmas.  “Immanuel, God with us”  isn’t only about salvation and redemption.  No. He came to earth and finished his work here, leaving His Holy Spirit to dwell with us. Its not meant to be past tense.  Its a here and now thought.  He came so that He could be with us.  I guess I knew that, but I didn’t KNOW it.

Never in my life have I felt such peace and comfort as I did today.  Christmas time doesn’t just represent a time long ago when Immanuel came.  No, it also is a celebration of His daily presence in our lives.

the chorus from one of my favorite songs is also my prayer today:

Thank you Oh my Father, for giving us your Son.

And leaving your Spirit here until the work on earth is done.

amen.

a bit of history · friends and loved ones

red mittens…

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(originally written february 2010)

I can still remember a pair of red mittens that I wore as a child while playing outside in the snow. They were made of a bright red, water proof material and they were very warm. There was one thing these mittens could do that was very cool.

With these mittens on, I could catch snowflakes. Seeing a snowflake up close can be so intriguing. I remember holding my hands out, palms up and staring at each of the little flakes as they landed. If I was still, and not too warm, I could examine the tiny wonders for quite a while. Well, at least thirty seconds anyway, which truly is an eternity when you’re little.

Living in the south as an adult I often miss the cold weather and the snow. I have not had the opportunity to miss it this winter. We have had snow regularly for more than a week now. Yesterday as I drove up Signal Mountain, Emily and I had a discussion about the falling snowflakes. I realized as we talked that she did not know a very familiar principle that I had learned a long time ago. Each snow flake is different. That’s right – not one can be mirrored in image.

How amazing it is that the God of the universe is so creative that He fashions each snowflake differently. Impressive little works of art, falling from the heavens.

Even more incredible is the masterpiece that is me. Before time, God knew me and created me to be different, with my own set of qualities, circumstances and characteristics. And so it is with every human being. He is unsurpassed in his handiwork. Each of us so unique, yet made for the exact same purpose.

Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;

no deeds can compare with yours.

All the nations you have made

will come and worship before you, O Lord;

they will bring glory to your name.

For you are great and do marvelous deeds;

you alone are God.

Psalm 86: 8-10

When I think back to those beautiful snowflakes with the red mittens as their background, they seem to form the very portrait of God’s plan. It is His will as the creator of all things that we, His creation love and adore Him. He desires that all of us, find love and forgiveness by way of the blood shed, His sacrifice on the cross. With the beginning of His work in our hearts, our distinct voices join together to make up a symphony of worship that is incomparable. This is the culmination of an amazing, artistic God.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

friends and loved ones

Like mother, like daughter

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I’ve performed a fair amount in my time.  I have many piano recitals and competitions under my belt.    I know what it means to feel panicked, with cold, sweaty hands; It was nothing for my legs to be wobbly and my fingers could turn to jelly without a moment’s notice.   If I contemplate some of my performances from days gone by, I can feel my heart begin to pound uncontrollably.

I’m not a soloist – I mean I am, or I was.  That’s what my college degree was all about-  I earned the diploma and it says “Bachelor of Music” in “Piano Performance.”  But, to this day I do not prefer to play alone.

How did it all work out?  Well, I have a mom named Rose.  I can remember her missing only one performance when I was in high school.  And in college she came to many of them as well.   She was a rock – always calm, watching quietly.  But now I know what she was really doing.

Today, I went to my daughter, Emily’s piano recital.  She was very prepared.  I knew she was ready to play, and could play the piece well.  But, as we drove to our piano instructor’s home, I saw familiar signs.  Her stomach hurt.  Her hands were cold.  She couldn’t remember any of the song…  I thought my heart was going to start racing on her behalf.

As we pulled up the driveway, I thought to myself, “Well this is new.  What in the world do I do now that I’m the mama?  It was a miracle when I made it through my own performances… ”  And I tried to think, “What did my mom do?”

Assuming that I am truly like my mother, I did the only thing I knew to do. I did what I’m pretty sure she did all those times in the recital hall.  I prayed.  I prayed hard.  I desperately did not want Emily to have a failure, no matter how small.  Before we got out of the car, I held her little hands (trying to warm them up a bit)  and we prayed together that the Holy Spirit would guide her hands and keep her memory fit.

He did.  It was beautiful.

“And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.”  John 14:13-14

Looking back, I realize a lot of my musical successes can be attributed to the prayers of my mom.  I don’t think I would have made it through my college degree without them.  More than ever I understand a bit better just how much my prayers can change Emily’s life…  His promises are real and undeniable.  He alone deserves the glory for my own successes and my daughter’s too.

I’m so thankful for my mother’s example and hopeful I can follow in her footsteps.  Maybe Emily will be able to follow in mine someday. Like mother, like daughter.

who knows?

not really alone

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Tonight was unusual.  My husband came home from work late, completely exhausted after a more than 12 hour day.  He was in bed, asleep before I managed to get the kids in bed.  All in all, the lights were out and everyone but me asleep before 9.  As I walked down the hall to my bedroom, there was peace and quite.  I was alone.

If I’m honest with you I’ll tell you that I don’t enjoy it.  I’m a people person who enjoys conversation and laughing… I’m not so good at being by myself.  With three young children life doesn’t afford the opportunity for it either.  But even when there’s a chance for quiet, I fill it with noise and stuff and busyness.

Well, at 8:45 I was brushing my teeth thinking, “Now what?”  Normally, I’d be spending time with Michael, but he was out.  ZZZZZzzzzzz.

“I like it when we spend time together.”  I recognized His voice – they were warm words from my Heavenly Father.

And here’s my real honesty – I said, “okay”  … but then I put him off for a while…

Deep down in my heart I struggle to believe the Creator of the Universe is really interested in me.  It seems impossible.  But, tonight He continued to call me gently, waiting patiently.  I turned the tv off – and sat on my bed in the quiet… well, there was light snoring in the background – but it was mostly quiet.

Slowly my day unravelled and I told Him everything…  he said, “I know…”

His peace began filtering into the room.

That led to a discussion over something I’ve been worrying about – its in the future, not anything to contend with it soon and he said, “I know…”

I went on to tell Him about my heartbreak; something I can’t seem to tell anyone else – but it hurts terribly, without relenting.   He whispered, “I know…”

Now I could sense His calm settling over me.

And I told Him things about my children and He said, “I know…”

Then we sat in the quiet while His words sweetly drifted through my mind, Scriptures shared just between us, meeting the needs of my heart.

I said, “I love you.  I’m so glad we got to spend some time together, alone.”  and He said, “I know…”  That’s when the tears came.  I felt His love wash over my soul and my heart was whole again.

“We should do this more often.”

and of course He said, “I know.”

No matter how much time I spend with Him it will never be enough.  Eternity is the only solution for this dilemma.  In the meantime, sleep will come easier tonight.  There is comfort and peace that comes when I spend time alone with my Heavenly Father who knows.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

a bit of history · in my kitchen

cream bun

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I think of them especially at Christmas and my tastebuds can’t forget them!  My grandmother made them and brought them to every Brubacher family reunion.  Cream buns.  I don’t think my words can do them justice, but I’ll try…

Let’s see – they were like a yeast dinner roll, but with a bit of sugar – their texture was a light and creamy crumb, but sweet and buttery – and in the center was a light, fluffy cream.  I think I just drooled on my keyboard.   If you have ever tasted one (which I know some of you have) you know that they will be served in Heaven at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.

At Christmas one year, I remember when Grandma began making just enough for one each – which was quite a lot because our family is huge with all of the cousins getting married and having children.  It seems like she had labelled each one so that each person knew that there was one for them.  Within minutes everyone had eaten their cream bun…  It was a known fact: You can’t leave an unattended cream bun laying around because a passerby might think you don’t want yours and avail themselves of the extra, unwanted delicacy.

I remember standing at the table where the sweets were laying out and looking at them knowing that my grandmother had labored and toiled over those delicious treats just for us. Suddenly my personally labeled cream bun meant so much more than something delicious for me to savor.  It was a completely lovely gift.

When I think on it a bit more in depth, particularly now at Christmastime, I realize It wasn’t a once a year thing at Christmas- no, Grandma’s entire life  was given in service. She was able to give out of love, because she herself had received love.  She was able to sacrifice because someone had sacrificed for her…

There is a gift.  A very special, wonderful, one of a kind gift that was given to us many many years ago.  God, our Heavenly Father sent His one and only precious son to earth.   He came in order to redeem the world – to set things right again.  But, with that in mind, I know that this redemption begins in a very individual way- He came for me – for my sin – to be my righteousness.

Its a personal gift, filled with love and He labeled it in His word :

John 3:16  For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.

Heavenly Father, Help me to live more sacrificially. And as I come to know Your Love more fully and deeply show me how to share this beautiful gift with others who do not know You.  amen.

friends and loved ones

baby face

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Yesterday morning, my sweet baby, Mackenzie woke up a bit cranky.  She was crying out for me, no happy chattering – she sounded very tired.  It was the culmination of a long and busy weekend for us and I had not spent significant time with her.

When I picked her up, I looked in her face and saw a different girl.  She had changed.  As her mommy, I noticed it right away.  Her eyes were ever so slightly darker -and it seemed like her cheekbones were higher and stronger, elongating her face just a tiny bit.  The outcome – a bit less baby, a bit more little girl.

I know she can’t be a baby forever, but still, I was heartbroken for a moment.  The reality is, my children are growing and changing and truly it is a miracle. Its a gift from the Heavenly Father for me, their mama to watch it all transpire.  He must know what a joy it is to watch His own children grow.

This afternoon I’ve taken a few moments to contemplate this…

I know that He sees all; that He knows everything and that He is present at all times.  So does He see?  Does He take note of my progress?  Is it obvious to Him that my heart is changing into one of a mature believer? My heart’s desire is to bear His image.  But sometimes it feels like an impossible task.   When I wake up in the morning, calling out to Him, do I look different?  Or do I still have my baby face?

The truth is: I don’t know.  I mean, sometimes my heart is so deceived that I think my actions are sincere when they really aren’t.  Often I attempt to do things by His power, but end up snatching the task back and doing it on my own.   Is there any remedy for my sinful heart? Will I ever be more like my Heavenly Father?

While I can’t predict the exact future of how it will all take place, I do know the answer.  It is a resounding YES!  There are so many Scriptures of promise regarding my struggle, I can be sure that He is not indifferent to my insecurity.

Ps 92 1-3   It is good to praise the LORD
and make music to your name, O Most High,
proclaiming your love in the morning
and your faithfulness at night,

2 Cor. 3:18And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Phil. 1:5-7 … being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Phil. 2:13 …  for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

And that’s just the beginning…  Verse after verse confirms : He is a loving and faithful God, who gave us His Holy Spirit in order to conform us into His image, a glorious and spotless being – and He promises to finish what He has begun.

Heavenly Father – Thank you for continuing the work in my heart.  It is so comforting to know that You love me and have no plans to give up on me any time soon.  I can live with confidence knowing that someday this baby face of mine will be transformed and I will be made into Your likeness.  What a glorious day that will be for all who believe!

amen.

md

friends and loved ones

Jesu Bambino

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Tonight was the Christmas program at our church.  I played the piano for a good portion of the numbers.  Oh, did I have fun!  It seems as though the life I live these days doesn’t allow for a lot of accompanying or choral work – and those are things I used to thrive on.

I was surprised, no shocked, on the way home when my sweet husband pulled out his iphone and showed me video of me, playing “Gesu Bambino” while my friend, Gretchen sang.  I had no idea that he had captured the moments on his phone.  No idea.

I don’t remember ever watching myself play the piano.  Not recently, anyway.  As I previewed my accompanying, I was emotional.  The song had been so beautiful that I was completely enraptured while playing – it was truly a gift that I won’t forget anytime soon.

It would be easy for me, after this evening’s program, to fall into a trap that is regularly set for me by the Deceiver…  “As soon as I can find a way, I’m going to get back to the things I love – playing the piano, accompanying, performing… just as soon as I get my life back.  Just as soon as I don’t have to… change dirty diapers or teach or clean the house or laundry or taxi my kids around town or… ”   The list goes on and on.

There is no doubt, that my musical gift is a talent on loan from the Heavenly Father.  Certainly, I should use it for Him and for His glory.  I feel certain that there is nothing wrong with enjoying the ability He has given me.  But, as a believer – its not about waiting for this to be over so I can get back to my plans.  Rather, its about giving my life up altogether.  In fact its death.

As I learn to die to myself, I find His priorities in place of mine.  His will takes precedence – which leads to a life of service, a life that gives rather than receives.  For me personally that means being a stay at home mom, rather than the career I once thought I’d have as a musician. But, in choosing His plan, I have found freedom and joy on the path that He has placed in front of me. Its in dying to my own desires that I have found true life in Christ.

He set the premier example many many years ago when He came to earth as a precious baby, prepared to live sacrificially.  What a Savior…

from Jesu Bambino:

“Again the heart with rapture glows
To greet the holy night
That gave the world its Christmas Rose
Its King of Love and Light.

Let ev’ry voice acclaim His name
The grateful chorus swell
From paradise to earth He came
That we with Him might dwell.

O come let us adore Him
O come let us adore Him
O come let us adore Him
Christ the Lord.”

Lord Jesus, Thank you for coming to earth.  Thank you for giving up your life, so that I could find mine.  Keep my heart focused on the blessing and peace that comes from remaining in You.

amen.

Matthew 16: 24-26

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?

friends and loved ones

on the other side of the world

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Today I went to church for the final Christmas program rehearsal.  From 9 til noon.  I’m playing keys mostly – so it was fairly enjoyable.  I love worshipping with Christmas carols – singing about Jesus’ arrival here on earth so long ago.  Normally it puts me in the Christmas spirit.

But by the time we arrived home, I was completely and utterly irritated.  Why?  Because things were not perfect at the practice.  I am a perfectionist – and things at the rehearsal were less than well – perfect.  It was the decorations, or lack thereof.  It was the sound system and the problematic mix in my monitor.  It was the last minute change in songs.  Slowly  I felt myself morphing into Scrooge, from the tips of my toes right up to the hairs on my head – and it wasn’t pretty.

But thank goodness for facebook friends on the other side of the world.

Before leaving for the rehearsal I had updated everyone on where I was heading.  When I came home there were several comments on my status… including one from a friend (who used to worship here at our church, but now lives very far away) who unknowingly said, “So jealous!  Enjoy!”

Immediate perspective – like a splash of cold water on my hot and frustrated heart.

My friend lives in a country that will not celebrate Christmas.  She will not be able to sing Christmas carols full voice with fellow believers.  There is no program or choir to sing in, let alone decorations or monitors or new songs to learn last minute.  No she and her husband will worship Jesus on His birthday most likely in a much different setting, making my current situation seem golden.

I find myself contemplating my place, here on this side of the world – and I know my heart needs an adjustment.  I am surrounded by goodness and positive circumstances, living a life of ease, without worry or significant trials. And still I find excuses to remain negative, critical and ungrateful.  God help me!

But there is good news : Jesus came.  He arrived more than 2000 years ago, on the other side of the world.  His love and forgiveness stretch out, encompassing this whole wide earth.  And these gifts are for everyone – for me and my family – and for my friend who is all of those thousands of miles away.

“That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, concerning the Word of life— the life was manifested, and we have seen, and bear witness, and declare to you that eternal life which was with the Father and was manifested to us— that which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ.  And these things we write to you that your joy may be full… If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”  1 John 1:1-4; 1:9

These words of forgiveness and fellowship are so beautiful to me in the midst of this Christmas season.  And they are not just for me and mine here on this side of the world  – but they are for all who repent and believe.

Heavenly Father,

Forgive my selfish and sinful heart.  Help me to live in the light of your fellowship this Advent Season.  Let my life be a reflection of your forgiveness and love.  amen.

who knows?

on Target…

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Target Lesson…

 

My family went to Target this evening.  I enjoy going there, usually.  I participate in their particular type of retail therapy regularly.  I especially like to go alone.  But, tonight was a family trip.  Its unusual for us but the trip was a non event.  Nothing memorable happened.   No diaper blowouts requiring new clothing.  No temper tantrums.

 

No begging.

 

My daughter typically has a bad habit of begging.  She becomes the shadow of the person with the wallet.  Then as though she has no memory at all, she completely forgets about the shelves, no rooms, full of toys.  And it begins.  She asks for something – a toy, a craft supply – anything.  What is at home is not good enough – she HAS to have…

 

As a result of the many Target trips where this has occurred, we’ve discussed it a lot.  She and I have had conversations about being satisfied with what she has rather than always looking for something more.  Tonight I had to wonder if maybe it has sunk in with her because she did not beg at all.

 

I was so in shock about it, I pondered it while I made muffins for tomorrow morning’s breakfast.  As I thought it over, I’m embarrassed to tell you I realized something.  An almost audible voice said, “Its too bad you aren’t learning this lesson.”  I almost dropped an egg shell into the muffin batter.

 

You see, if you’ll allow me to be vague, the Lord has been trying to teach me something.  I can’t really tell you the details because even now, I feel confident I haven’t come to grasp the lesson yet.  Let me say this – there is a very particular area in my life, even though its small, where I have been unsatisfied.  It is not an evil desire in and of itself.  However, there have been times where it has been an idol.  In my heart I have pursued satisfaction far above my love for Christ.

 

“But Lord, why not?  Why can’t I have this?  It would make me so happy! I’m sure of it!” This is what my prayer often sounds like…  Tonight He responded, to my heart “Contentment is a choice.  You are going to have to choose contentment. Your situation is not going to change right now.”

 

Didn’t I just have this conversation with my own daughter?  It was the pot calling the kettle black. Apparently the lesson was meant to target MY heart.

 

Lord, Help me.  Give me the courage and strength to say like Paul,  “for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”   Let my heart be satisfied in your love alone.  May I stay in that place of contentment with You.

 

md

(originally written August 25, 2010)

 

friends and loved ones

the Christmas glow

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I tell you,  the inside of our home is glowing.  We love colorful Christmas lights and we hang them everywhere.  They are even strung along the ceiling of our living room.  Sometimes I like to turn off all of the regular lighting in the room and just sit in the soft warmth of the Christmas lights.

This morning  we began our day with the lights shining, an advent reading, some cinnamon rolls and a game of Hide the Thimble…  It was an exciting start to our advent celebrations and we had a wonderful time.  I love this time of year.  So full of hope and life!

But there is a shadow in the corner of my heart today that does not feel full of life or hope. I received word last night that a friend who has been ill for many years, is headed back to the hospital for what seems like the millionth time for a surgical consult.  On her behalf, I prayed last night in the night. – But I find myself cold, a bit lonely and discouraged this morning. Where is her hope?  and why am I so full of doubt?

Like me, she is a believer, so I know she has a “hope” – but was does that even mean?  That sounds like such empty church lingo right now.  I need a sincere word from my Heavenly Father to be able reconcile what is going on in my heart right now.

And I found it in the first Advent reading of the season…

Jesus said, “I am the the light of the world.  If you follow me you won’t be stumbling in the darkness because you will have the light that leads to life.”  John 8: 12

During this advent season there is more reason to hope than ever, because I know that Jesus, the hope of all mankind – and our reason for living or dying – came all those years ago.  With his arrival He brought hope, peace, healing and ultimate salvation to this earth- His coming brought redemption for the whole world.

And a small light begins to glimmer in the depths of my heart…

With these words from Scripture I am reminded of this:  No matter what happens with my friend’s health, or what my earthly status is, in finding Jesus, the light of the world, I have Eternal Life. I don’t have to stumble around in the shadows anymore. What an amazing promise to have – in times of crisis, in sickness, in financial loss, in emotional turmoil.

The darkness in the corners of my heart is eradicated by a bright and shining hope.

Life has a glow that begins with the Advent season, remembering the birth of Christ and his redemptive work here on earth.  There is no better hope than finding life in Christ.

May those who are in the cold shadows find warmth in the glow of the Savior, this Christmas.