Well, today.  It was a long day.  exhausting.  And because of the lingering horror, here at the end of my day, I realized I need to spend my evening thinking on more of the happinesses – the good things that God has given…  In spite of the difficult times, the frustrating moments,  all of it is from His hand. Understanding His unsurpassed goodness is the road to true happiness…   So, that is where my focus is tonight : His goodness, taking tangible form, right here in the middle of my life.

Happiness is:

a middle of the day camp-out, complete with sleeping bags and giggles.

candles, just a symbol of celebrating another year of life with my sweetheart…

our dining room table, organized for learning good times….

fingers, making music to my ears.

ice cream.  do I need to say more?

nothing feels as good as finishing a project together…

It was an unusual day, Friday was.  Four AM was my wake up call.  That’s right.  4 AM.   The Heavenly Father Himself was on the line and He had a few things to say to me.  Boy, did He have my attention.

I went to bed on Thursday night, like any other night.  All of my loved ones nestled in their beds, Michael and I cozy.  Early the next morning, Mackenzie woke up and needed me, so I went in to her bedroom. A few minutes later I heard a commotion and I found my husband, in the next room, passed out.

fast forward.

By Friday afternoon, I was sitting in the Emergency Room of Memorial Hospital, my hands shaking with an uncontrollable tremor, my head fuzzy without a clear thought on the horizon.  Michael had been taken for a CT scan of his head and a chest x-ray. There I sat, in an uncomfortable chair, waiting for him to be returned to me.  The only thoughts I could manage were things like, how will I pay the bills if my husband is terminally ill?  and, how can I possibly do this life alone?

My heart’s phone rang.  “Hello?”  I said, in a barely audible voice. “Is that You?”  I asked.

And He said, “Yes, my child.  Are You ready to come to me now?”

“Oh Heavenly Father, You know I am Yours.  We started this journey together a long time ago.”

“That is very true,” he answered, “But, You’ve ventured out alone today.  Is that really how you want to travel? by yourself?”

I can’t lie to you.  A few hot tears slipped down my cheeks here, because it was true.  Many times, I hear His voice, right away and follow.  Others, I forget to listen, and forge ahead – assuming I’m going this on my own.

“My dear daughter, I sent my son to die, so that You would be saved from certain death.  But, also so that You would have salvation, moment to moment in this life.  Regardless of what happens here today, you will not, under any circumstances do life alone.”  And He said the following words, so that they were permanently  pressed into my heart.  I won’t forget them… (at least not for a really long time):

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

And I did.  I moved towards Him. I stepped closer and He held me in His arms right there, in the Emergency Room and we waited together.  The tremors stopped, my mind found a bit of peace and my heart was at rest. Over the last few days I’ve realized that I can not get close enough.  I never will, not until Eternity.    But for now, I just need to keep stepping in, one step more.  and keep listening, when He calls.

I’m blessed beyond measure to tell you that after a lot of tests, we know that Michael is okay.  For that, I am very thankful.  I am amazed at how my Heavenly Father loves, and continually draws me to Himself, again and again.

Thank you Heavenly Father for such a wondrous love.

(the full version…)

It wasn’t long ago, that my children were obsessed.  They watched Mary Poppins whenever I let them turn on the television.  Sometimes they would just forward through the movie and watch only the music and dancing scenes.  There was a point where I wanted to hide the disk…

Watching Mary, the new nanny,  move dramatically around the children’s nursery  snapping and singing about the “fun” of cleaning up was more than I wanted to hear at times.  “Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down…”  I can hear Julie Andrew’s voice now, happily lilting along.  In the movie she teaches Jane and Michael that it takes just a little bit of sweetness in life to make the hard things a bit easier.

I’ll admit it: I was skeptical.

I’ve had my own “medicine” to swallow this week.  There’s been a difficult, frustrating lesson for me to learn.  I feel like my Heavenly Father has just handed it to me and said, “Here.  Take this.”  And bam.  I’m choking on it.

“Where’s my spoonful of sugar?”  Well, that’s what I feel like demanding, anyway.

As a little girl, I remember my mom would give us medicine when we needed it.  She would crush up a child’s pain reliever, and administer it on a teaspoon completely covered in a puddle of honey.  It made the most awful tasting white powder seem wonderful.  Back then I didn’t mind medicine.   Not that way…

So, I’ve been looking high and low. Surely there is something to make this all go down easier.  Isn’t there anything to help this bitter after- taste?  Where can I find my spoonful of goodness to help me take my medicine?  After a week of searching, I’ve come to realize maybe I know where to find everything I need, I’m just not savoring it.

If it is true that Jesus will never leave me or forsake me (Joshua 1:5),   if He died on the cross suffering every pain and tragedy in my place (Isaiah 53:4-6), or if I need to know that there is one who understands my circumstances (Hebrews 4:14-15), then I can meditate on these things.  And if that is not enough, I can think about other promises from His Word : that He will give strength and grace when I need it (Psalm 18:1-3),  that above all others He is in control (Psalm 147:4-5 ), and He loves me deeply (Zephaniah 3:17).

Oh how I need to remember these truths when I walk through trials and hardships!  If I dwell on Him a little bit longer, His sweetness will break through any bitterness.

His name is like honey on my lips.  Taste and see that He is good…

When I am frustrated over circumstances beyond my control…. Jesus.  If  illness and tragedy  cross my path… Jesus. For moments when I feel alone in the struggle… Jesus.  In the middle of conflict… Jesus.  When I am absolutely, undeniably afraid… Jesus.  If healing for a relationship is needed… Jesus.  If it is time to make a hard decision… Jesus.  In times when I need to just let go… Jesus.  For peace and rest on sleepless nights… Jesus.

I am surprised at how just a little goes a long way.  And at the same time, there is more than I need for every hurt and every conflict:  in each situation He is always enough.  Thank you, Jesus for your goodness!

I will sing to the LORD as long as I live;  I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.  May my meditation be sweet to Him;  I will be glad in the LORD.  Psalm 104:33-34.

(a photo from our fairly normal Saturday morning)

Saturday began like most Saturdays.  Nothing too unusual.  Breakfast out, groceries, a bit of playing at the park with the kids – like I said normal.  Late in the afternoon I decided to go downstairs for a workout on my elliptical.  Its been so hot here over the summer that is where I have been running.

I began my running habit last spring.  At the time it seemed like a good idea.  I had no idea it would be such a struggle.  There have been so many benefits from my running – I feel great, I’ve dropped a pants size.  Yes, I’ve enjoyed the outcome.  And still, It is hard for me to continue.  The fact is : I don’t really like to exercise. It is hard.

This sounds a lot like another part of my life.  Not long before my running, I started another habit.  My blog.  A year ago this month, I began writing, here on Daily Portion.  Now, I actually love to write.  I didn’t know I did until I got going, but I do.  However, there are times that it is very hard to continue.  I mean, really hard. I’m sharing some of the deepest, darkest secrets of my heart, here, on the world wide web for anyone and everyone to see.  But, I’ve felt from the beginning, that it is what my Heavenly Father is asking of me, so I press on…

Back to my Saturday.  I hopped on my machine, with my earbuds in, and I began the warm-up.  My iPod shuffle was in rare form.  The workout began with a bit of Stevie Wonder’s “My Cherie Amour,” and then it jumped to some blues-y Stevie Ray Vaughn.  Around the thirty minute mark, when the running was getting a bit tough, you may not believe what happened…  Chris Tomlin came on belting out, “Your Grace is Enough.”  As I heard those words, the culmination of all my fears and concerns about my own inability bubbled to the surface – about running, about being a mom, a blogger, and anything else God has called me to do.  Right there on the elliptical machine.

…and I heard Him clearly say to me, above the noise of my worries and my earbuds, “My dear child, my grace is so much more than enough for you.  so much more.”

Have you ever wept while you’re trying to work out?

Inspired by His words to me, I kept going.  Next song up on the playlist, “I am a Friend of God.”  As I ran harder and longer, I marveled at the fact that He is my friend, that He calls me His friend… As I finished up my forty-five minute run, I realized something I’ve known in my head, but my heart had not remembered in a while.

The creator of the Universe is my friend, and HE has all the strength and grace for me to continue doing everything that is required.  for running.  for blogging.  for living.  And, He’s willing to remind me through my earbuds, in the middle of a run, on a Saturday that turned out to be not so normal after all.

Who doesn’t need to be reminded of these words from Psalm 84?

 ¹⁰ For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.

¹² O LORD of hosts,
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!

Heavenly Father.    I don’t deserve your friendship, or the grace that You give.  But I need it.  I can’t live without it.  Thank you.  thank you. thank you.

amen.