My folks tell me that as a tiny little girl I was quite verbose.  I know, I know – its hard for you to imagine that I might have much to say.  But, its true – I was a chatterbox.  I would talk to strangers at the grocery store – maybe even sing a verse or two of “Jesus Loves Me” for nearby shoppers.

Well, there’s a word that only a handful of people know, from those chatterbox days, that I created.  My dad still says it to me, and so does my sister.  I remember the strange look on my husband’s face the first time I said it to him, which made me realize, “Oh. right.  that’s not a real word.”  Now, this word-phrase has been in my vocabulary since early childhood, so it seems fairly normal to me, but to my knowledge, not many people use it.  These days I don’t use it often; only once in a while.

 afterlater.  That’s the word. I’ll give you a “for instance” from my childhood when I said it regularly :

“Daddy, will you be home afterlater?”  To which my dad (who understood my language) would say, “Yes, I’ll come home after work.”

Its strange to me how words can take on new meaning as I get older.  From simple to complicated. Normal, every-day kinds of language can become down right painful.  There are three examples, in the front of my mind that are changing how I feel about the word afterlater.

A good friend is struggling with a deep, deep psychological condition.  She is a mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, who is just a shell of her former self.  The person I used to know has gone missing, and all that is left is a half person.  I pray for the day when her “life” returns, but I just don’t know anymore…  With the tiny bit of hope I have left, I ask the Lord, “When will my friend be back?”  and He gently whispers to me, “afterlater.”  and my word sounds sour.

Last week I spent time in prayer for another sister in Christ, who was waiting to hear the news: “Is it cancer?”  That was the question and we were all waiting, nearly breathless, to hear the answer.  Mid suspense, as I could barely breathe out prayers, I was reminded, by my Heavenly Father, “Live today, live for me.  Don’t wait ’til afterlater.”  and He used my word with a serious, solemn tone.

And yet another.  I have a precious uncle who is closer to Heaven than this world.  His body has been fighting disease for some time now. He is ready- ready to be with Jesus.  I don’t think He is ready to leave His wife and children and grandchildren.  But I am confident that He knows… I know my Heavenly Father has promised – We will see him sooner than afterlater.  and my word sounds bitter-sweet.

But.

There is good news!  It changes the meaning of my word again.  This word, afterlater…  It belongs to the Creator, the Almighty God of this world.  And He has made the grandest promise of all – to restore and redeem this earth and everything that He has made. All that was wrong- He will make right. Where there was death, He will bring life.  He will make all things new.

From Isaiah 65:

¹⁷ “See, I will create 
   new heavens and a new earth. 
The former things will not be remembered, 
   nor will they come to mind. 
¹⁸ But be glad and rejoice forever 
   in what I will create, 
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight 
   and its people a joy. 
¹⁹ I will rejoice over Jerusalem 
   and take delight in my people; 
the sound of weeping and of crying 
   will be heard in it no more.

 ²⁰ “Never again will there be in it 
   an infant who lives but a few days, 
   or an old man who does not live out his years; 
the one who dies at a hundred 
   will be thought a mere child; 
the one who fails to reach a hundred 
   will be considered accursed. 
²¹ They will build houses and dwell in them; 
   they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit. 
²² No longer will they build houses and others live in them, 
   or plant and others eat. 
For as the days of a tree, 
   so will be the days of my people; 
my chosen ones will long enjoy 
   the work of their hands. 
²³ They will not labor in vain, 
   nor will they bear children doomed to misfortune; 
for they will be a people blessed by the LORD, 
   they and their descendants with them. 
²⁴ Before they call I will answer; 
   while they are still speaking I will hear. 
²⁵ The wolf and the lamb will feed together, 
   and the lion will eat straw like the ox, 
   and dust will be the serpent’s food. 
They will neither harm nor destroy 
   on all my holy mountain,” 
            says the LORD.

My mind drifts to my friend who needs a miracle to be herself again.  or to all of my mistakes and failures on this life’s journey.  Then I think of my loved ones who I long to see again…  and I ask Him, “When?  When will it happen, Lord?  I’m longing for Your touch, for Your presence as King in that new heaven and new earth, so that everything can be made right again.”  And He says, in a way that makes my word once again sweet:  “afterlater.  I promise.”

Today we went to the stables to visit some new friends, Rocky and Dakota.  They are mustang horses that belong to our good friends.  It was a lovely day,  the sun was shining, the animals were gorgeous;  my children fell in love, of course, with the mustangs.

My oldest, Emily went with my friend Reina to help feed the horses, while I waited with my two younger children.  I found myself admiring this  hauntingly beautiful tree under a bright blue sky.  Its twisted branches pointed heavenward, like a compass.  “Look this way!”  it said to me.

And I did.

I couldn’t help but think of the words from Psalm 19 : 1-3

1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork.
² Day unto day utters speech,
And night unto night reveals knowledge.
³ There is no speech nor language
Where their voice is not heard.

Thank you Heavenly Father, for your beautiful creation.  How wonderful are your works – I saw them today, not just with my eyes, but with my heart and soul and I am blessed.  amen.

(sweet Princess Mackenzie, without her “bappie”)

You know, I didn’t imagine my Monday this way when I got out of bed this morning.  But, today was the day.  Yes, it was time.  My daughter, Mackenzie is now closer to 3 years old than 2 and it has been clear to me for a few weeks that it is time to take away the pacifier, otherwise known as “the bappie.”

Now, bappie has been a part of my daughter’s existence from the very beginning.  Oh, not the exact same bappie – in fact, I believe we’ve probably gone through roughly a bappie every other month, if not more.  But, she has always had one to pop in her mouth at a moments notice.  It is her security, for sure, and her love is strong.

Apparently her will is stronger, because at the end of the first thirty minutes of wailing, on this Monday morning, I found myself questioning the wisdom of beginning this power struggle today.  Did I mention thirty minutes of crying, “Bappie, Bappie, I want my Bappie!”

But, I held her and stroked her hair and put the princess crown on her head and told her I loved her and read, and sang and watched movies and did everything I could to distract from her beloved pacifier.  I promised she could have it at bed times.   Finally the wailing died down to the occasional request and finally to a reminder, “Its okay mommy, (she was reassuring us both) I will take bappie at nap time in a little bit.”

And all was well for the time being.

The crux of the matter hit me hard while I was taking my turn wearing the princess crown, watching Toy Story 3 with my sweet girl on my lap instead of doing my house work. ( a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, right)  The problem is I am no different than my daughter.  I have my own security blankets, things I hold on to, thinking they are going to get me through when they are not.

Here is the truth of the Gospel: There is no real love, no security, but in One person: God, my Heavenly Father.

Unfortunately I live life in a “bappie” kind of world.  Its a world that tries to offer every kind of false security – in money and finances, reputation and success, love of friends and family or power and prestige. The list is endless.  Our culture teaches the pursuit of earthly happiness through these things as a means to security.  But its a mirage. True eternal joy and peace comes from a Heavenly Father who could never give us, His children, anything less.  And this promise from Him is the only sure thing in life.

If only I believed it, I’d probably stop clinging to all of the “bappies” in my life, and hold on much tighter to Him.  Often I find myself crying to God, holding out stubbornly for something that I think I “need” for my personal security, when in reality all I really need is Him.  In spite of it all, He holds me and loves me and calls me His daughter unconditionally.

There are many verses of Scripture I could quote and even a few parables that would fit here.  In fact there are so many, I’m having trouble choosing. But, here is a word from the Lord.  He is my portion. There is hope in His salvation alone.

from Lamentations 3: 21-16

21This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.

²² Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
²³ They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

Well, there’s a song that keeps coming to mind, so I’ll post the words below.  I imagine I’ll be singing it all day today to remind myself that there is only One who loves me well, only One who satisfies and gives the security my heart is longing for in this “bappie” kind of world.

Satisfied

All my life I had a longing
For a drink from some clear spring,
That I hoped would quench the burning
Of the thirst I felt within.

Hallelujah! I have found Him
Whom my soul so long has craved!
Jesus satisfies my longings,
Through His blood I now am saved.

Feeding on the husks around me,
Till my strength was almost gone,
Longed my soul for something better,
Only still to hunger on.

Poor I was, and sought for riches,
Something that would satisfy,
But the dust I gathered round me
Only mocked my soul’s sad cry.

Well of water, ever springing,
Bread of life so rich and free,
Untold wealth that never faileth,
My Redeemer is to me.

Used to be that I gave away my heart and soul in my music.  And I still do.  I love to play the piano, and I make music as often as I can.  But, these days I find myself with other opportunities to give, in ways I never dreamed.  And just like with my music, I find that I’m an all or nothing kind of gal.

Yesterday was one of those days.  A give-it-all kind of day.  And I promise, I finished feeling completely tuckered out, but absolutely elated at the same time.  What was it I did?

I baked.  and I created in my kitchen.  I made desserts for a baby shower. Yes, it was fun, I suppose.  But more than that, I gave my love, my heart and soul away to my sweet friend who is about to have a baby.  And I can’t tell you in words just how special it was to “shower” her and that precious little one who is going to make an entrance soon.

So, instead of words, I thought I’d show you a few pictures…

I am learning slowly from Jesus’ example, and I am a slow learner, that the best way to truly live and love is to give my life away.   even if it  seems small.  even if its for a baby shower.

 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. 1John 3:18

Life as I know it was turned upside down today.  It happened in a whirlwind at lunchtime and I’m still shocked when I think about it.  It was a change of mind, a change of heart, a change of the tastebuds.

what happened, you ask?

I ate potato salad.

Now, before we proceed any farther, you need to know my personal history: I do not like potato salad.  I haven’t ever willingly eaten it.  I’m sure personal friends and family, who know me well, are in a state of shock. They know how I feel about it.  My mom is probably concerned, wondering if lunch time vigilantes kidnapped and blindfolded me, forcing spoonfuls of the cold potato concoction down my throat.  And her concern is legitimate.

For my mom:  I promise you, I am in my right mind, and I ate the potato salad of my own free will.

How does someone come to such a change of heart, or in this case, tastebuds?

My children and I were at a friend’s home for lunch and for the first time in my life I thought the potato salad looked appealing. At first I was very uncomfortable at the thought.  I have *hated* potato salad since I was old enough to know what it was.  But, I took the serving spoon and put a small scoop on my plate. I think I just happened to have that epiphany where I realized my friend is a good cook, and I couldn’t imagine her serving up something that wasn’t delicious.

And I ate it.  That’s right.  I chose to put it on my fork and shovel it down.  Do you know, for the first time since I tried it in my childhood, I liked it.  I can’t explain it.  And I wonder how I will feel about it the next time potato salad and I cross paths.

What happened at lunch today is only a peculiar little picture similar to how God is working in my heart.

I am going to be careful about details, but I want to share this with you.  Different situations have come to the surface of my heart that require forgiveness. In several ways I have felt the Holy Spirit compelling me to be forgiving, in spite of the fact that its not comfortable or easy.

In the past, I have been one to hold onto things too long. I dwell.  I think.  My heart hardens and I cling to ‘my rights’.   So naturally, when the need to forgive is served up, I have had a hard time swallowing.  For a all of those reasons I’ve listed and probably more, my own human nature keeps me from being able to enjoy the taste of forgiveness.

But today,  the Holy Spirit moved in my heart in such a new and refreshing way, revealing to me again how I’m forgiven. I am so much worse off than I ever imagined – my sin is great!  But My Heavenly Father loves me so much more, in spite of it all, and has forgiven me.  With that revived freedom at work in my heart, I was able to forgive.  In fact, the grace I’ve received looked so wonderful and tasted so sweet, it was almost easy to take that experience and forgive someone else.

from Colossians 1:

¹⁰ that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; ¹¹ strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; ¹² giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. ¹³ He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, ¹⁴ in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.

That forgiveness I needed to give today, it wasn’t a struggle. I didn’t have to stop and think too long.   It was such a change for me!  Sincerely it was a new beginning of my heart’s revolution.

Heavenly Father, thank you for this change taking place in my heart.  And thank you for using the simplest things to get my attention, drawing me close to You in the most unexpected ways.  Your forgiveness and love is so much more than I deserve.  Help me to share that same grace with those around me.  amen.

(just as an aside, to my “followers” who received the valentine’s day post in their inbox last night :  with horror this morning I discovered that I had inadvertently published the piece before I was finished – so this is the edited and complete version of the story.  My apologies for cluttering up your inbox, but I didn’t want to leave you with that other thing- please delete it!  Thank you for understanding.)

This is the true story of how I spent my valentine’s day… And I have to warn you, its not very romantic.  at all.

I awoke this morning at 6 am as my husband left for work.  Alone with my kitchen aid, a pound of butter and four pounds of confectioner’s sugar,  I frosted four dozen cupcakes for a 9am delivery.

On our way to drop off the baked goods, I was flipped off by another driver who was obviously more anxious about getting somewhere on time than I was…  It was a great way to start off my Valentine’s day.  I considered waving to him and saying “Happy Valentine’s Day!”  but, I didn’t want him to get out and shoot me at the next intersection in his road rage.

We arrived back home and we tried to do school, we really did.  But, with thoughts of sweets and treats in mind and valentines and fun, no one was in the mood for school.  Not even me.   In my homeschool world I’ve come to believe, inappropriately, that no one else takes a day off.  And that if we take a day to relax just a bit, I am thwarting my children’s education.  Today, in my mind that meant I was not loving my children well.  Or so I thought.  So, I forced Isaac to listen to two chapters of “Charlotte’s Web,” instead of one. Now that’s real love, right?

Later, we sat down to make valentine’s for each other.  It was a lot of fun being crafty together and even Isaac enjoyed making “Star Wars” valentines for his daddy. Nothing says “I love you”  like a “puffy” sticker of Darth Vader’s head, that’s what I always say.

I made dinner for my sweet little valentines consisting of pink pancakes, tater tots and sausage and scrambled eggs with fizzy cranberry punch to drink.  I knew it would be a hit, and it was.  There was great delight and rejoicing upon my announcement of our dinner menu.

When we had finished eating dinner and began to exchange our valentines, I came to realize that my lovely children, who I spend every day pouring my life into theirs with love and care, had made two valentines each for their dad, but none for me. At that point I went downstairs to work out (alone) on my elliptical and my sweet, understanding hubby did the dishes.  I consider this a more than fabulous Valentine’s gift.  I never dreamed growing up that being married to someone who understands would be such a gift.  I suppose that IS romance, to me.

As I worked out, I listened to angry girl rock songs about break ups and unrequited love – which got me moving, but are a bit confusing for a true romantic like myself, and the antithesis of romance on Valentine’s Day.

Once kids were in bed, I had a few minutes to myself and life began to slow.    And my thoughts, they stopped spinning, turning in the only reasonable direction on Valentine’s Day. As I relaxed and allowed my mind to focus on what is truly important, I realized I have all the love I need. and it has nothing to do with this commercial holiday.

No matter what the circumstances are, I know I am loved.  And not just on Valentine’s day, but every day.  It is  clear to me that this knowledge is very important.  I need to know that there is one who loves me perfectly and unconditionally.  People spend a lot of time looking for that love… in other humans or material things.  But there is only One who can love me the way I need to be loved.

A beautiful duet that I used to sing with my dad came to my mind this evening and I haven’t stopped singing it since.  I am His and he is mine – forever.  Now that is something I can really celebrate.

Thank you Heavenly Father for your never stopping, never giving up love…

• Loved with everlasting love,
  Led by grace that love to know;
  Spirit, breathing from above,
  Thou hast taught me it is so.
  Oh, this full and perfect peace!
  Oh, this transport all divine!
  In a love which cannot cease,
  I am His, and He is mine.
• Heaven above is softer blue,
  Earth around is sweeter green;
  Something lives in every hue
  Christless eyes have never seen:
  Birds with gladder songs o’erflow,
  Flow’rs with deeper beauties shine,
  Since I know, as now I know,
  I am His, and He is mine.

• Things that once were wild alarms
  Cannot now disturb my rest;
  Closed in everlasting arms,
  Pillowed on the loving breast.
  Oh, to lie forever here,
  Doubt and care and self resign,
  While He whispers in my ear,
  I am His, and He is mine.

• His forever, only His:
  Who the Lord and me shall part?
  Ah, with what a rest of bliss
  Christ can fill the loving heart.
  Heaven and earth may fade and flee,
  Firstborn light in gloom decline;
  But, while God and I shall be,
  I am His, and He is mine.