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But, I can’t remember…

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That’s what he said to me, sitting there on the couch at church.  He could not remember.  Last week he had a good time at his class at church.  And he came out all smiles, loved it, couldn’t wait to go back.

Isaac, my sweet boy, who is six, but seems like he was born just yesterday, has been struggling with a bit of anxiety.  He just doesn’t want to cross that threshold and go into his class some weeks.

Why? The answer has been eluding us as parents.  Regardless, on the weeks of struggle, he can not seem to recall the glorious moments from the week before, those times where he was triumphant and enjoyed the same class.

There’s one thing I do know, that I realized as we left church tonight.

I tend to be just like my dear boy.  I’m just as forgetful.  Recently, I’ve found myself in a few struggles of my own, where I need to rely on my Heavenly Father from week to week.  And in typical, human fashion, not unlike the Israelites who never could remember the victories the Lord had given them,  I find myself calling out to Him, “I CAN’T REMEMBER!”

Did He help me last week, with this same fear?  Did He give me strength and ability to accomplish tasks for which I feel terribly inadequate?  Did He keep me in the palm of His hand, secure in the knowledge of His calling on my life?

Yes.  Yes.  Yes.

And still, when I find myself staring down the next challenge, my heart and mind are wiped clear of all memory, and I find myself unable to recall the victories.  Pure terror streaks through my soul and I beg for Him to relieve me of the struggle.

Oh me, with so little faith!

But, He tenderly declines.  Instead He reminds me, since I’ve forgotten.  He was there.  He was my strength, my full portion, my deliverer, my stop-gap measure.  He was all that I needed – and then some.  Everything that I need, He is.  All that He is, I need.  Those are promises from His word that I can rely on…  every day.  Without exception.

Heavenly Father, Help me to remember I can do all things in and thru You.  Let me live with this knowledge, as an example to all those around me who are forgetful too.  And please, give me the wisdom to help my sweet boy understand this too.  amen.

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My valentine’s date

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On the day after Lent began, also known as Valentine’s Day this year, I went for a run.  It was a beautiful day – bright blue sky, a balmy 58 degrees, with a light breeze.  And most importantly, my kids were agreeable to it.

I got them settled on the swings, and I hit the”go” button on the running app on my phone.

Happy Valentine’s Day to me.  Seriously.  It was quite satisfying to feel my feet hitting pavement again, listening to my tunes.  There’s nothing quite as invigorating.  But.  The road back to “running” status after three months of not running was a little harder than I had anticipated.

As I rounded the track, closing in on the two mile mark, I felt the desire to well, quit.  I didn’t want to, but I felt myself questioning my ability.  “Can you really keep going?”

I almost answered no.

But at that moment my weakness collided with my ambition…  my very favorite song on the running playlist started, my stride stretched out, my body pushed forward, and I could still smile and almost sing along.  well, almost. I could keep going.

and I did. – because all I needed to do was set aside my doubt, and then I became free to press on.

Even as it was happening, I remembered.

I remembered moments from the evening before, at the beginning of Lent.  I had read these words, and it sunk in again, for possibly the hundredth time.  maybe deeper than last time.  One can only hope…

from Ephesians 3:

 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,[c] 15 from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what isthe width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

You see for me, Lent is not a passage way of self-denial, which often is the focus for many.  Instead it is a significant time for remembering God’s love.  It is a space for illumination, so that the sins I’ve become blind to are identified and stripped away. This is the gateway to His presence, where I begin to see just how important He is, and how unimportant some things are ; how much I need Him, and not much else.

When I hear those verses, some of my very favorites, I’m urged forward; I’m compelled to set aside the useless weights I’ve been lugging around. Just as Scripture says, His love becomes more obvious to me: wider, deeper, longer, higher…  and my stride as a believer stretches out.  I can go the distance.

How perfect to have this Valentine’s Date today!  Its a marker here during Lent, and it is a new season in my heart of repentance, forgiveness and refreshing.

Thank you Heavenly Father for meeting me and my iphone at the park today.  I am truly invigorated and renewed.

friends and loved ones

Loved…

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                                 One of my favorite photos of my girls from a while ago…

(originally written May 5, 2010)

A few mornings ago I watched the Today show. I don’t normally watch, but I did that day. In the midst of their news and other fluff pieces they aired an interview that has been haunting me since.

I saw pictures of a young girl who had lost her battle with an eating disorder. Her mother and brother spoke of her illness and their inability to help. As her photos filed by on my tv screen, I looked into her eyes. They were empty. There was nothing behind them – no emotion, no vitality. I began to feel ill and changed the channel.

Over the course of the day thoughts passed through my mind. Why did she struggle? Did she not feel accepted? Was she abused? Could no one give her the aid she needed? Did she not know that she was loved?

As the mother of two young girls, I can’t help but wonder how to keep my sweet daughters from this battle. In today’s society it is so difficult to keep them from feeling like they aren’t good enough, or pretty enough – that they are not accepted by others. These emotions can take the fire from anyone’s eyes. It could leave any young girl empty.

Not long ago I read something and at first it was thought provoking. The author told of how she had begun to picture her children with signs around their necks that said, “I don’t know for sure that you love me.” Initially, it brought change to how I respond to my children. But it began to press on me. I had to work really hard to do everything right, to love my children enough to keep their young hearts full and happy.

However, as time has gone on, I’ve come to realize I can’t do it. I love my children with all my heart. And with God’s help, I can love them to the best of my ability. But there is no perfection in parenthood. I will make mistakes. I have the potential to say the wrong thing. I am likely to hurt their feelings or damage their egos.

As I searched for an answer to my dilemma, and there are a lot of secular solutions out there, I realized that there is only one option. Real Love. I’ve experienced its life-giving flow. I know its power and have felt it satisfy the deep longings of my heart.

“Here is love, vast as the ocean
Lovingkindness as the flood
When the Prince of Life, our Ransom
Shed for us His precious blood.
Who His love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing his praise?
He can never be forgotten
Throughout heav’n’s eternal days.

On the mount of crucifixion
fountains opened deep and wide
Through the floodgates of God’s mercy
Flowed a vast and gracious tide
Grace and love, like mighty rivers
Poured incessant from above
And Heav’n’s peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love.

No love is higher, no love is wider
No love deeper, no love is truer
No love is like Your love, O Lord.”

I can not love my girls enough to fill their hearts. But the Heavenly Father can. He can keep their hearts and minds, overflowing them with more love and peace than any earthly being ever could. He promises to love them with tenacity, with affections that will not end. Beautiful vessels, never hollow, but full of His life and love.

From Romans 8:

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

friends and loved ones

blessings

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Blessed be the Lord,  Who daily loads us with benefits…  Psalm 68:19

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I’ve been counting many of my blessings today.  These three,  Emily, Isaac and Mackenzie, rank right at the top of the list.  And on this week of Valentine’s day, my heart is so full it is overflowing.   These are our little loved ones…  and I can’t imagine life without them.

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Thank you Lord, for filling our home with so much love.  I’ve done nothing to deserve such rich blessings – but my heart is absolutely grateful.

friends and loved ones

Red bicycle, Red helmet, please…

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This morning I set out with my family on an expedition. We had a list a mile long it seemed of items to acquire. Most of them were mundane necessities, but there were a few that were important, even exciting.

My husband and I had decided it was time to purchase my son a bicycle. He is ready and he loves being outdoors with his sister. More recently though, his frustration has mounted when playing because he has been trying to keep up with her on her “big girl” bicycle while riding his little tricycle. When we told him first thing this morning that we were going to look for a bike for him his big brown eyes grew wide. And he said, “I would like a wed bicycle pwease.”

Anyone who knows my son, and his “Day family” stubborn streak, knows right away: there would be no satisfaction without a red bicycle. Now, I am a sucker. I know that things do not buy happiness. But I also know that I would love for my son to have a special bicycle that he loves. So, at that moment, when those words came from his lips, I said a prayer. I asked God to help us find the right size, red boy’s, bicycle for my little Isaac. here. today. in Chattanooga.

Suddenly, it seemed like my prayer was a request for a miracle.

All of this comes on the heels of a bitter week for me. I’ve tried not to focus on it, but I’ve been in a funk. The little things, and there are many of them : unanswered prayers and different concerns have been building. This week they all kind of rolled into a gigantic snowball, leaving me a bit cold, almost numb. It has culminated with lost sleep, tears and a nauseous stomach. What was God waiting for and why did He seem absent in so many different ways?

The situation has been offensive to me. I have been waiting for His presence and guidance in a few areas and I have felt very insignificant to Him. At one point I feel sure I said to Him: “These things are important to me! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!?!?” When I calmed down, after that particular conversation I said to Him, “If I could just see you and talk about this in person, If you could just hold me for a little bit, I would feel so much better about all of this.” And do you know what happened?

A song came on, in my van. (yes, I was driving – so often that is when life happens to me) It’s an old Amy Grant tune but she sang it so sweetly,

In a little while we’ll be with the Father,
Can’t you see Him smile?
In a little while we’ll be home forever, in a while.
We’re just here to learn to love Him,
We’ll be home, in just a little while.

Back to the event at hand. We began our search at Dick’s Sporting goods. And I use the term “we” loosely. I stayed in the van initially with Mackenzie to feed her a bottle while Isaac, Emily and Michael went in to look for the red, boy’s, pre-schooler sized bicycle.

Walking down the aisle of the store, headed back towards the bicycles, I realized I should have known He would take care of it. There, was my sweet little boy, riding the perfect sized little red bicycle with Lightening McQueen on it! (we didn’t even ask for that, but He knew…) and a red-flamed helmet to boot! When we got back in the car, bike and helmet in our possession, it was as if the Heavenly Father said to me so gently, “Until we can be together, you are just going to have to trust that I hear you. I am with you. I know you. and I love you.”

And so that’s it. I can’t help but hope my son rides that little bicycle as long as possible. It is such a good reminder for me of God’s constant love and attention towards me and my little family. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for your love shown to us today in a red bicycle and helmet! I love you!

md

(written early spring, 2010…  where does the time go?)

friends and loved ones

who’s the fairest of them all?

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My sweet little people played in the snow on Saturday.  Enormous, thick, wet flakes accumulated in a hurry – and my children enjoyed every minute.  Pure heavenliness drifting  down from the silver sky…  creating a soft blanket of white.

It was beautiful, while it lasted.

I couldn’t help but think of this hymn, Fairest Lord Jesus, as I looked over the photos of my children in the snow…  Such breath taking beauty and still, my Jesus, He is fairer.  In fact, He is the fairest, and He will be eternally. Ever since I had the thought, my mind has been captured.

Often I choose to live my life as though He is nothing of the sort.  Many unworthy things divide my heart until I have barely any love or attention to give to anyone.  It is wrong, I know.  But, I confess. I am human and my heart is sinful.  I will never be able to love fully or perfectly until I am basking in the glow of His loving presence.

Is there hope for me here on this earth?  Of course, I can learn to love Him more deeply, while living here in this mortal body.  But, the eternal hope of unending, undying love is far greater.  And that is such a glorious thought.  Viewing nature in all of its loveliness and its grandeur on Saturday was a wonder-filled thing because I realized that one day I will be able to love Him best.

Forever all praise and glory will belong to Him, the Fairest One of All.

Fairest Lord Jesus.

Fairest Lord Jesus, Ruler of all nature,
O Thou of God and man the Son,
Thee will I cherish, Thee will I honor,
Thou, my soul’s glory, joy and crown.

Fair are the meadows, fairer still the woodlands,
Robed in the blooming garb of spring;
Jesus is fairer, Jesus is purer,
Who makes the woeful heart to sing.

Fair is the sunshine,
Fairer still the moonlight,
And all the twinkling starry host;
Jesus shines brighter, Jesus shines purer
Than all the angels heaven can boast.

Beautiful Savior! Lord of all the nations!
Son of God and Son of Man!
Glory and honor, praise, adoration,
Now and forever more be Thine.

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friends and loved ones · home schooling · who knows?

my motherhood survival kit

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DSC_0365Its not that I don’t love being a mother.  I do.  I really do. Not only is it my main occupation, its my calling, my passion.  And I have the three most wonderfully unique and amazing children, given to me and Michael as a part of an exquisite, and beautiful plan orchestrated by the Heavenly Father Himself.

But, that’s how I feel today.  Let me tell you about yesterday.

Ah yesterday.  That’s right.  Yesterday felt like a disaster: a disaster that was marked with hurt feelings, emotional turbulence, in a swirling sea of sinfulness.  Yesterday I questioned my survival as a mother.

My children are humans just like I am and there are days that I cannot figure out how in this world things are going to turn out okay.  No matter how much I do to help them, there are  times where I’m convinced His plan is a big mistake.

At the end of these kind of days, when I find myself at the very end of my rope, and by the end, I do mean the very last, teensy, tiny, frayed strand – that’s when I remember there’s help.  When its almost too late, that’s when I think to ask for a little extra rope…

That’s just how I roll.

At any rate, I asked Him last night, because there are times when all of the best advice books don’t give the right answer.  And this was my question:

“What do I do?  Is there a solution?  Because I’ve got nothin’!  How do I know what’s the best thing to do for these children you’ve given me? ”

and do you know what He told me?

“Tell them I love them.”

that was it.

At first, I really thought, “That doesn’t make any sense.  How is that gonna help my children obey, or treat their siblings right, or do their best in their school work, or survive in the real world or…”

But He interrupted me and said it again, “Tell them I love them.” – and He added, “Remember how much I love you?  You need to tell them too…”

It took a minute or two for me to really hear Him, I’m terribly hard-headed after all.  But when I finally did, I realized this:  All of what is real and true in this life is about His love for us.  And all true success in this life begins and ends with being immersed in His love.  This is one case where I can say “all” and be okay with being completely exclusionary.

His love is capable of changing anything. everything.  The sinful heart, the wicked mind, the crooked path, the ill-fated situation – It all is made right in the full, bright light of His love.

Then, I had this “aha” kind of moment where I realized the only way I was going to be a good mother and survive this thing called parenthood was to realize my need of Him and His Love once again.

And my motherhood survival kit was “born.”  Scriptures I’ve known, fell onto the soft places of my heart – and I have set them apart to rely on at a moment’s notice.    Its a few Scriptures and the words to one song, rehearsing my need of Him and how much He loves me.

By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,  and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

Psalm 42:8

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

Deuteronomy 6:5

For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.

Psalm 86:5

But this I call to mind,  and therefore I have hope:The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;  his mercies never come to an end;   they are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:21-23

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17

That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spiritin your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love,  may have strength tocomprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:16-19

And the song, I Need Thee Every Hour… There is a beautiful (sort of) new version of this old hymn that is exquisite, and quietly humble. (You can check it out on the indelible grace website)  Today as I heard it again, for the first time in a long time, I was reminded:  Oh Lord!  How I need You!

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;
O I need Thee every hour;
I need you Lord, O bless me now,
My Savior, I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain
I need Thee every hour, teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son

a bit of history · friends and loved ones

peace like a river…

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Long, long ago, there was a time when I was the piano student, not the teacher.  My lessons were with an extraordinary instructor, Sharon Harris – who also happened to be my aunt.  She gave me many insights when it came to life, home making and playing the piano, for all of which I am very grateful.  But, to be very specific she taught me how to play for church services, how to accompany and ‘fill in’ on hymns.  It was eye opening and enlightening: it was the beginning of a career.

One of the first hymns we ever tackled together, attempting to add in ‘extras’ was, “Like a River Glorious.”  I can’t say that initially it was truly glorious.  In fact, I’m sure it was likely the opposite.   I strived to play it with gusto, hoping to play it for a worship service someday.  Back then the river was simply a nice spiritual thought…

By middle school I was playing in Sunday School and youth worship.  Whenever I played that hymn, it was like second nature because I had rehearsed it so much.  I remember thinking when we would sing it how nice the words were – “How lovely, His peace is like a river…”  But I didn’t really get it then.  I didn’t need the river yet…

Today, my piano student played an arrangement of “Like a River Glorious.”  Here was my old friend to greet me,  the ebb and flow of its words gently rocking my soul to a place of calm and rest.

Its funny how things that are certain at age nine can be so unsure at 35.  Peace is easy to find at the young age of nine when hardships and worries are hard to come by.  At this point, the realities of  life are much more complicated and doubts are deeply rooted.  Which is why a song that I learned years and years ago, is so much more beautiful now. It isn’t just a pleasant ideal- its a necessity.

When my student left and I had time to myself, I took a moment to let the words refresh me.  As I read over the lyrics that time had not fully erased, I felt the cares of this life washing away in the gentle current of His promises. Oh how I needed the river today.  His peace truly is perfectly glorious.

Like a river glorious, is God’s perfect peace,
Over all victorious, in its bright increase;
Perfect, yet it floweth, fuller every day,
Perfect, yet it groweth, deeper all the way.

 

Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.

 

Every joy or trial falleth from above,
Traced upon our dial by the Sun of Love;
We may trust Him fully all for us to do.
They who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.

 

Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

(originally written February, 2011)

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the trouble with me, and a new recipe

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I realized something tonight, standing here in my kitchen.  The lightbulb went on as I was trying to figure out what I wanted to bake.  The trouble with me, Melody, “The Baker,” is that I don’t like to follow directions.  Not completely.  Not while I’m in the kitchen anyway…

When I’m baking, I look at a recipe I say, “Look at how lovely that would be if I….” and then I think of all the ways I might do it differently.  As creative as this sounds, many times this attitude is problematic.  Many times, I tell you.

But tonight, the odds were in my favor – and I made these rich, decadent blondies.  The recipe I found on the website “mysweetthyme.com” – and so, I decided to use it, but make it my own.  Turns out my instincts were right and I’ve got the photos to prove it!

Well, here’s the recipe, just in case you want to make them.  They are soft and chewy and dense – just the right texture for a blondie – and they are just a bit spicy!  Perfect with a cup of tea on a chilly, icy day, which is our forecast for tomorrow.

Hope you enjoy them, if you try ’em.

Cinnamon White Chocolate Blondies:

Ingredients:
2 2/3 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups packed brown sugar
1 cup butter, at room temperature
2 eggs, at room temperature
1 Tablespoon vanilla
1/2 cup cinnamon chips
1/2 cup white chocolate chips
2 Tablespoons white sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

Instructions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease a 9 x 13 inch baking pan. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside. In a large mixing bowl, beat together the butter, brown sugar, eggs and vanilla until smooth. Add the flour mixture to the egg mixture and beat until well blended. Fold in the chips. Spread the batter evenly in the prepared pan.
In a small bowl, combine the white sugar and cinnamon and spread over the batter. Bake for 25 – 30 minutes or until the surface springs back when gently pressed. Remove from oven and let cool slightly on a wire rack.

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friends and loved ones

lost and found

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From the other end of the house.  I could hear him from the far side, that’s how loud he was crying.  And it wasn’t the “I’m injured” sort of wail.  No.  It was heart-break; that’s what I could hear in the mournful sound my Isaac was making.

As I neared their room, Emily met me in the hall way.  “He can’t find the green ninja,” she explained and I knew this: we were in for a very very long day if we didn’t find it.

He’d looked everywhere, he told me between sobs.  And he was going to keep looking.  It seemed fruitless you know. This little green lego ninja is barely as big as my thumb.  He couldn’t remember where he’d last played with it. The search was like finding a needle in a hay stack.  So many little tiny legos and toys scattered here and there.

“Why did he need that one little toy anyway?  Surely there were others,” I thought.

When I made the suggestion that we end the search and he resume playing with his other ninjas, the red, blue, black and white ones, he fell into heaping pile of wet sobs.  No.  there would be no playing until we found the all-important green ninja.  He was one of a kind.

We continued.  and I don’t think I’ll forget his sound of joy.  From the kitchen I heard it, while I was getting lunch ready.  He had been found in the couch cushions where we had already searched several times over.  “He’s here!  He’s here!  He’s here!  in the couch!  under the pillows!”

He stood there aglow, rejoicing in his discovery.  His love, found again!

I stared at Him and was reminded.  My son, had painted a beautiful picture for me.  His joy, only small-ish in comparison to what the Savior must have felt when He found me.  or any of us who have been found.

I remember the day like it was yesterday.  Covered up in sin, I was only 7 or so – but I knew what I was. And His spirit whispered in my heart so clearly and lovingly, I could not resist Him.  In my need, He found me.

Why did He need me, when there are plenty others already in the fold?

The New Testament relates the story, where the Good Shepherd leaves the 99 just to go find the one sheep who is lost out in the wilderness.  On searching for this one loved one, He finds it – and there is great celebrating.  “This one who was lost, now is found!”  Although there were many in the fold, He loved that one who had gone astray.

This is the promise for all who are lost.  He does not will that any perish – and in our human need, He pursues us relentlessly, tirelessly – with a love that cannot be sidetracked or disheartened.    How he longs to declare everyone found!

Heavenly Father, I am so thankful for this love that sends you searching into the dark night, for that one who is lost.  Thank you for finding me!   Help me to show your love to others who need it too. a.men

Found!

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