A few weeks ago I found myself staring into the big brown eyes of my little boy.  Staring in disbelief.  We were loading our bags for the beach trip, and he had packed his backpack just as I had asked him to do.

with 5,742 stuffed animals, his angry birds blanket, UNO, a Cardinals baseball cap and some candy.

I looked at him and said, “Isaac, what in the world?”  What I really meant was: Why do you think you need all of this stuff while we are at the beach?

And he looked at me with such an earnest expression. “It is important, Mom!”

That was pretty much the end of it, because I knew there was no convincing him otherwise.

I thought a lot about that quick exchange while we were at the beach and in the days that followed.  Regularly, and I do mean probably hourly in one fashion or another, I give concern and thought to things that do not matter.  And I carry them around with me on my earthly tour, which makes it seem like they are eternal, when they are not.

I’m not referring to material or physical things, although that gets me too sometimes.  Its the little bits and pieces that add up to an overwhelming multitude:  my idols.  my worries. my what ifs.  I’ll give you a few examples:    concern about my reputation, thoughts about my future or my children’s future, my right to control, my ability to manipulate a situation…  you get the idea.

And what do I do?  I gather them all up, cram them into a tidy sack and carry them with me, because, after all, they are all so very important.  Sometimes they are tucked away, often disguised with a spiritual facade so that I can soothe my conscience.   But no matter how I twist them,  dress them up, or stare ’em down,  they are still useless.  Worse, if any of it is taking up more time in my mind or space in my heart than my love for Jesus, it is an idol. and that makes it a sin.

Ugh.

There are two truths, which stand out, that I have come to embrace. They are helping me unpack that bag:

1. The things that are not from Him, are worthless and should not be toted around.  They are not eternal and I won’t be taking them with me to the after life, no matter how much I make them my earthly focus.

2. As a Believer here on earth, even if I’m messed up and sinful sometimes, I can believe that all will be made whole and right  and new when He comes again.   Which means  there is much hope for me and my heart beyond the grave!

Revelation 21:4-5 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.”

Well….

With these thoughts in mind, we head to Vanderbilt tomorrow for my first consult regarding my lymphoma.   I have been unpacking the “old bag” today.  Instead I am embracing my Jesus hard and long.

and I am grateful there is nothing else left for me to do.

There’s a song on one of my favorite children’s worship CD’s. The song is titled “You are Good.” I enjoy listening to it so much. The lyrics and melody together are so tender and it melts my heart.

I haven’t been able to listen to it much lately. My heart isn’t able to grasp it. I have been surrounded by things that don’t seem good. They hem me in on every side and my heart and mind are trapped. I have a friend dying of cancer who is so young and should be in the prime of her life – instead life is slowly being sucked from her body. Another, who is a mother of four, recently went into surgery due to cancer, fighting for her life. Yet another friend recently was left alone with her children – her husband gone by his own volition. Where is the goodness in these things? I do not understand and I am unable to lift my heart in worship of this God who is supposed to be good.

I am struck by the fact that in today’s world, my definition of “good” may be wrong. Good is supposed to be health, wealth and happiness, right? Good should be the absence of discomfort shouldn’t it?

This is the Scripture I learned in Sunday School many years ago to back up the preceding definition of good. “And we know that all things work together for good, to them that love Him…”

I have struggled until the realization came that I have misunderstood what His definition of good is. And let me say I am not a theologian. I am not making that claim at all.

God is good. There has never been a time that He has not been good. His desire is to draw all men to Himself. He longs for all people everywhere, who are His creation, to find forgiveness, draw near to Him in love and worship Him. That is His will.

In Scripture He promises provision, but not luxury. He promises health, but I don’t believe its always the earthly concept of well being. He promises that all who believe on Him will one day be in His presence, completely whole and never again separated from Him. That is Heaven and it is more than good.

Good is His will for us. But it is heavenly, not earthly. It is divine, not fleshly. It is my only hope for goodness – the redemption of a broken world by a good God.

There is a book – “the Jesus Storybook Bible” – and we read it regularly at our house. The other night, as I read the pages, I nearly wept. It was a children’s version of the Lord’s prayer. It is not an official version of Scripture, by any means. But, as I searched for signs of His goodness, I realized that this needs to be my prayer. Even though these words are meant to simplify the prayer for a child’s heart and mind – it seized my thoughts.

Hello Daddy!
We want to know you. And be close to you.
Please show us how. Make everything in the world right again.
And in our hearts, too.
Do what is best – just like you do in heaven,
And please do it down here, too.
Please give us everything we need today.
Forgive us for doing wrong, for hurting you.
Forgive us just as we forgive other people when they hurt us.
Rescue us! We need you.
We don’t want to keep running away and hiding from you.
Keep us safe from our enemies.
You’re strong God.
You can do whatever you want.
You are in charge.
Now and forever and for always!
We think you’re great!
Amen!
Yes we do!

My heart is broken knowing that I have failed to sync up my will to His. As I pray this prayer genuinely, His goodness becomes clear. It is only when I set aside my earthly desires that I see how incredibly and sufficiently good He is. Just beyond the circumstances that I can see in my flesh, there is a good God who loves and cares for us. How He longs to redeem this broken world.

And that truly is the definition of good.

md

(written February 2010)

A few days ago, Michael and I went to a local glass blowing studio, to work with an artist there and make two glass ornaments.  We watched as this artist pulled hot, liquid glass on a long skewer from the furnace and begin the process.

He rolled this molten blob of glass in chips of color, and then put it back into the furnace to heat it up again.

I got to stand at the fiery opening of one of the furnaces and turn the skewer steadily to make it moldable.

Then the artist rolled it on a cool metal table, to help give the ornament its shape.  and then back into the furnace.  When it was hot again, there was more rolling and shaping.

And when he was ready, He sat at another workspace and shaped the ornament as I blowed warm air, slowly into the glass ball.

It was a unique experience.   As I stood and watched Michael take his turn, I couldn’t help but think about the fire – the extreme heat – around 2000 degrees the artist told us.

I couldn’t help but compare the process to my own life…

The only way for me to become the most lovely creation that the Heavenly Father has designed – I must be placed in the furnace,  heated over and over to the highest temperatures so that I can be molded and formed into what He desires.

What does my furnace look like?

It turns the temperature up on my impatience, on my self-preservation, on my fears.  Situations that bring intense pain, force me to take inspection of all the ways I don’t look like Him or act like Him or follow Him…  And in those moments of true repentance, I become like that molten glass, ready for Him to work on me and change my heart and my mind…    I suppose everyone has their own furnace.

Job knew all about the furnace:

Look, I go forward, but He is not there,
And backward, but I cannot perceive Him;
When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him;
When He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him.
But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.

As I consider my own life, and see each distress, each difficulty, I can look at my circumstances for what they are : In the furnace, and the pressure on that hard surface, and then more heat, the trimming away and the impressions – It is His handiwork as the Master Artist, creating me to be exactly who He wants me to be.

The furnace is a most wonderful and terrible place.  It hurts.  It is uncomfortable. But this knowledge is glorious: I am becoming His finest art work.

You probably won’t believe what I’m about to tell you.  In fact, I’m sure some of you will dismiss me and my story.  But, I’m going to tell the truth, in case, just maybe it will encourage someone.  Our God still works miracles.  Let me praise Him a bit, here on the blog:

I’m a pianist by trade.  I’ve worked and had a myriad of experiences, accompanying and coaching, playing for churches, playing for weddings and funerals, in choral settings… the list goes on and on.  I know a lot of literature and have used my skill in a variety of venues large and small.

Because of this, I’ve known that I have a particular limitation.  There is one thing that, even from early on, I’ve understood I just can’t do.  As recently as just last spring, when the opportunity arose I was reminded again: nope. no-can-do.  not gonna happen.

What is it, you ask, that I was sure I could not do?  In the past I have not been able to sing while playing the piano.  Not such a big deal for some, but in church work, if you’re involved in leading worship from the piano it can be a real problem.  serious inconvenience.  and let me just say it was bad.  My husband will tell you, I could not do it.

So, a little more than a month ago, the pastor at the church where I have been the pianist, asked me to lead a particular song from the piano during communion.  and what did I do?

I said yes.

It seemed crazy, but I thought I’d try one more time. I’m not one to give in to my limitations… and, I’m super hard headed. On that Sunday morning I had my mom and my sister praying.  hard.  and I prayed too. a lot.  This communion setting could have meant utter failure and embarrassment for me.

But it wasn’t.  Something happened.  I’ll go ahead and say it.  I think something supernatural happened. Miraculous.  My fingers and my voice worked together in harmony and I played and sang unlike anything I’d ever done before.  I didn’t stutter, my voice didn’t falter. The words came out and my fingers moved skillfully over the keys; based on every prior experience to that point, I know it was the Holy Spirit, moving in and through me.  He made me able.

Since then, I’ve been given a new position and a new opportunity to do more with this ability He’s given.  I’ll be leading worship once in a while, from the piano.  In my former days, I would have been scared out of my mind.  anxiety ridden. But I’m not.  Whenever I sit down at that piano, it just happens.  everything works.  and I can’t explain it.

I can tell you one thing, though.  I can’t take credit for it.  Only God can loosen the tongues of the dumb – or in this case, the mildly incapacitated.  If I had a thousand tongues, I would use them all to praise Him.  But, since I only have one, I’ll use it at my church, and lead others to worship with me.  I am, after all, one small triumph of His grace!

The words to this old hymn seem so appropriate, and I can’t stop thinking of them!

O for a thousand tongues to sing
My great Redeemer’s praise,
The glories of my God and King,
The triumphs of His grace!

My gracious Master and my God,
Assist me to proclaim,
To spread through all the earth abroad
The honors of Thy name.

Jesus! the name that charms our fears,
That bids our sorrows cease;
’Tis music in the sinner’s ears,
’Tis life, and health, and peace.

He breaks the power of canceled sin,
He sets the prisoner free;
His blood can make the foulest clean,
His blood availed for me.

Hear Him, ye deaf; His praise, ye dumb,
Your loosened tongues employ;
Ye blind, behold your Savior come,
And leap, ye lame, for joy.

He’d been away from Egypt for some time, tending sheep.  A prince, who had become a shepherd living with the Midianites, he was hiding from his past.   But, he was an Israelite – one of God’s own.   I’ve always wondered if he thought he was hiding from God on the back side of the desert…  or did he even know he should be hiding when it happened?  or that there is no hiding from Him anyway?

Regardless, there it was, a Voice, calling out his name, from the middle of a bush that was on fire but not consumed. Out in the middle of the wilderness. absolute nowhere.   Well, it actually turned out to be Holy Ground, which is a lot more than nowhere. a lot more.

In Exodus 3, as the story unfolds, and God narrates his plan of deliverance for the Israelite people, He tells Moses that he is an intricate part of the plan.  On this side of the epic tale, it all seems quite natural to me that Moses would do what God is asking.  Back then Moses had a lot of excuses to roll out, before He accepted the call and obeyed.

I see Moses as a hero. He saw himself as completely unable.  Every Sunday School story, shows him to be a leader.  But He felt like a stutterer.  History declares his name as the leader of the Israelites who parted the Red Sea – but at the time, Moses seemed to think it was quite a risky business.  And who wouldn’t?

Tonight I’m sitting here on the couch thinking.  My Christmas tree has dainty white lights glimmering.  It is not ablaze and there’s no voice coming from the center, but I wish there were.   The year 2012 will always be framed in my memory as a year of decisions.  Lots of them.  Hard ones, at that.  For once, I’d love for some nearby shrubbery to burst into flames, but not be consumed.  I would be grateful to hear His voice boom out precise directions so that I could just know what to do.

Who am I kidding?  In my heart of hearts I know the truth. Even now, I’m weighing every ounce of the decision in front of me.  I’m as much caught up in my humanity as Moses was, prepared with the logical reasons of “why not.”   And I’ve got a lot of them.   All of these excuses are making it difficult for my heart to warm up to His answer. In fact, it has taken me a while to hear Him speaking.

This Christmas tree is a symbol of life and joy- His life beginning here on earth- also reminds me that He came so that I could not only have abundant life, but so that I could have His example to follow.  I hear Him whisper, “Follow me.”  His request, made loud and clear in Scripture, he repeats gently here and now.   And I feel His message begin to burn, from the inside of my very being.

“Follow.”

Its easy for me to hear the beginning of Moses story and think, “Of course He should answer the call,” because I know from Scripture that it all turned out and God fulfilled the promises He made to Moses.  At this point of decision, not knowing how my story is going to end, I’ve allowed doubts to creep in where they don’t belong.  But, in these moments of peace, Moses story becomes my own. I can hear the Heavenly Father’s promises, whispered to me.     And I can sense the presence of the Holy Spirit, which is a fire that does not consume.

I know I must follow farther, harder, deeper, longer.

Heavenly Father, As I prepare for this season of Advent, will you secure my wandering heart again?  Fill me with the knowledge that you have an ending to my story far better than I can imagine or plan.  Give me strength to follow you even through the most difficult decisions.  amen.

(originally written on October 13, 2010)

For my birthday I received a starter kit of Bare Minerals makeup.   I’d been considering the change for some time.  See, I’m 35 now and, when I look in the mirror, I see things I don’t like. Even with the best of lighting there are laugh lines, crows feet, wrinkles, uneven skin tone.  I’m not really interested in everyone seeing all of this in progress, so new make up it is!

The compliments have been amazing.  “Wow! Your face is glowing!” and “Your skin looks so great!  I can’t believe you’re 35!”  Just what a girl likes to hear.  No matter what the truth is.  Age is creeping in and leaving its mark on my face.  Just because I’m good at hiding it, doesn’t change the facts.  Those blemishes are there. Trust me.

I’ve become good at hiding stuff.  Not just on my face, either.  When I head out to church or anywhere else, I put on  a similar mask.  I disguise the things I don’t want people to see.  Like what, you ask?  Well, I’m good at putting on a jovial cover in order to hide my pride, or my judgmental spirit.  Maybe I put on a little “extra spirituality” like a cheery cheek color, so you won’t notice my flaws.  Its embarrassing, but true.

I have a lot of shortcomings.  I know them.  When I take the time to look, my imperfections glare at me in the mirror of Scripture.   Perhaps God was prepared for me in my situation because He talked about me in James:

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

Truthfully, I’m still working at understanding this Scripture.  I know that God, through His Holy Spirit, continually speaks to me.  He sees me as I am and knows me.  It is his job to continue the work in my heart,  helping to smooth away some of the wrinkles and blemishes that I have acquired.  Rather than covering them, He wants to help me remove them.   At the end of the process, by His power, I’m able to move with freedom, learning to follow Him.  When I look into His mirror, I can see a little bit more of Him and a little bit less of me; a lot more of the beautiful complexion He desires for me, rather than the imperfect mask I create.

The good news is this:  He loves me as I am and continues the work, regardless of where I am in the process.  I can come to Him no matter how my heart looks. With a bit of confession and a repentant heart, I experience the best beauty treatment ever.

I have a favorite old hymn that reminds me of His promise to receive me and love me as I am…

Come, ye sinners, poor and needy,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus ready stands to save you,
Full of pity, love and power.

I will arise and go to Jesus,
He will embrace me in His arms;
In the arms of my dear Savior,
O there are ten thousand charms.

Come, ye thirsty, come, and welcome,
God’s free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Lost and ruined by the fall;
If you tarry till you’re better,
You will never come at all.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for this unconditional offer of love.    Help me to receive your words of truth, no matter how difficult, and walk in them.  Keep me looking for You in my mirror – until the glorious day when my mask or any need for makeup will be gone completely!

amen