When I was a little girl, my dad would read a book to me called, “Old Hat, New Hat.”   It is about a bear who goes into a hat shop looking for a new hat to replace his old one.  It was my favorite book.  The best page was the one where the bear tries on all of these different hats and you can see him trying them all on, but he doesn’t like any of them and so he says, “too beady, too bumpy, too leafy, too lumpy, too twisty, too twirly, too wrinkly, too curly.”  And in the end, Bear puts on his old hat, saying, “just right!”  and he leaves the store.

I’ve been thinking about the book a lot over the last week or so.

There can be a lot of distractions in my female world – distractions that complicate my calling as a woman, wife, mom, sister, friend. And if I’d like, there are a lot of hats to wear.  Step into the boutique and try on a “new you.”  Believe me, there are some good causes,  some helpful changes that might make a “better me.”  I’m not suggesting otherwise.  But every hat needs to be tried on with the right perspective.

In Christ.

No matter what I’m hoping for, is it something that I can do, “In Christ”?   I can obsess about my weight, or healthy eating and exercise.  I can spend hours considering my children and their education or their manners.  There’s my work, my identity as a musician.  Or, am I a good baker, runner, gardener, housekeeper?  many, many hats to keep me busy…

But truly, what good is it to be the only mom on the block who manages to cook only healthy meals for her children, and never a crumb of junk food, if it isn’t what Christ has asked of me?  I would love to become that Mom, but I don’t have the capacity for it  24/7 in my life right now – and He hasn’t intervened to help me be that Mom in the way I expected.   That doesn’t mean I don’t try to change some of our habits, or we shouldn’t be healthy eaters…  but maybe that new hat “Healthy Super Mom” is a no-go for me.

So, lately I’ve been attempting to filter all these ideas of “what I could be” thru this lens – and this is what helps me remember that I already am a NEW CREATION:

Scripture from 2 Corinthians to help me think clearly:

13 For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; or if we are of sound mind, it is for you. 14 For the love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died; 15 and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again.  16 Therefore, from now on, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him thus no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 18 Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, 19 that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation.

Questions to ask myself:  By putting on this new hat (whatever that may be) is it worthy of His sacrifice?  Am I choosing it for myself selfishly, or is His Spirit whispering it in my ear?

Reminders for my heart:  I am reconciled to Christ, in spite of my sin or wrong doings.  I do not have to live in guilt or fear of his disappointment in who I am or who I think I should try to be.  I am hidden in Christ – and that makes me a beloved child of the Heavenly Father.

No matter what other hats I think I need to try out, this is the best hat that I will always wear!

Heavenly Father, thank you for your forgiveness and the reconciliation I find for my heart in your Word.    May I never forget who I am in You!  amen.

Measles.  She was in a panic about the measles.  There’s an outbreak, my friend said, and some kids even with the vaccine had come down with measles.    What else can be said?  Modern medicine works hard to eradicate a terrible illness, and still it rears its ugly head.

I sat there quietly, because I probably know the truth.  But, I don’t really like it.

We all, and I do mean to be that all-encompassing, spend our lives striving.  We take medicines, we exercise, we spend enormous amounts of money on our health, in order to add hours, maybe even days to the length of our lives.  Regardless, at the end of the day, the truth?  It isn’t doable.  We can search for the keys to long life and and health and such, but they are elusive.

In Deuteronomy 29, God chooses to renew his covenant with the Israelites.  The entire chapter is spent reciting what He has done for them, and reminding them of how they should respond.  Then the final verse of the chapter says this:

29 “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.

Secret things.

A good friend, struggling with his health has often been a physical reminder of these words.  No matter what we do, and what we think we know – there are things we will NEVER understand on this side of eternity.  Our Heavenly Father claims some secret things, answers to questions that only He knows.

My first thoughts about this revolve around this question: Why?   God, why do you have to allow things I don’t understand?  Why can’t you let me in on the secret?  Why should one have a long full life, while another’s life is cut short?

And I don’t know His answer.

But, I do know: the things that He has revealed belong to us.    What does he say in Matthew?  Don’t worry about tomorrow, tomorrow has enough of its own cares.  Not one of us is able to add to our height.  It is no secret that He promises to care for His children, to meet our needs, and to love us without condition.

And so, I realize what is required of me:  Trust.   Without full disclosure of the secret things, I have no control.  There is only surrender in exchange for all that striving.

I’m sitting here typing at my kitchen table, breakfast dishes littered here and there, half -done coloring pages (courtesy of mackenzie), medicine bottles scattered around, and clorox wipes…  And of course, in the very middle of it all, is my wooden centerpiece of Jesus carrying the cross.

It is March 31 and we are almost halfway thru Lent, to the Resurrection.

I’ve not written in a week.  Mostly because I’ve been unable – due to the most ungodly, disgusting, wretched stomach bug I’ve ever met.  And between myself and my kiddos, my house and my life in general feel completely out of sorts.  But, at least I finally have a few coherent words to put together today.

When I was talking to the Lord early this morning, I had a few things to say.  I told Him how I felt about all of it.  You see, I was angry.  For many reasons, too many to mention here, this stomach bug has been awful to bear and also terribly inconvenient, in this space on our calendar.  Now my personal agenda is all messed up.

Why should we have to deal with so much?  *arms folded across chest*

And when I was done, I sat there knowing I needed to change my selfish, faithless thinking.  My heart needed to regroup.  But how?

As I sit here now, staring at Jesus holding the cross, the one only He could carry, I’m terribly embarrassed.  A picture of sorrow and sacrifice boldly looking me in the face.  And I realize I know nothing about suffering.

My heart’s reversal came as I read this just now:  Jesus is praying in the Garden –

Luke 22: 41-44   He walked away, about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me.  Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”  Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened Him.  He prayed more fervently, and He was in such agony of spirit that His sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.

Jesus’ example of surrender to the Father’s will is amazing to me.  Such a severe future – and yet, he prayed and was strengthened.

I gaze at the image of Jesus and his cross a bit longer.  It’s not that His surrender was without struggle or cost.   No, indeed He suffered a tragic and horrific death.  But, with the price He paid, He purchased a gift.  His resurrection brought about eternal life for all.  This gift is the robust hope that we have, by grace; through each of our own struggles and pains, we know that there is hope :  Hope of God’s Kingdom coming to earth.  Hope of God’s love surpassing all of our trials.  Hope that death is ended…

Thinking about my current trials and suffering, they seem so mild and insignificant compared to His.

My heart finds peace in this knowledge:  His will in my life is to bring all of the bits and pieces of my story into His complete story – Once I understand this, I realize whatever happens, my surrender to His will brings surreal comfort and peace.   And truly – I cannot regret the situation I find myself in, but rather grateful that I’m able to be hopeful in Him.

I stood opposite the gentleman as he hammered and tapped.  Gently, firmly, carefully he maneuvered the piece of silver.  Masterfully he worked it into place.  And I gazed from the other side of the table.

Of all the treasures to be sought or found, on Sunday, at Kettner’s Mill, I had come across something precious.  “It’s from 1953, a silver flat wear pattern called Jubilee.” he informed me.    He had expertly formed the old teaspoon into a lovely ring, and it fits my right hand’s ring finger just perfectly.

I’ve been tossing around the meaning of “Jubilee” in my mind, considering its most general meaning and its meaning in the Old Testament too.  In normal, everyday English it means to celebrate a special anniversary or occasion.  In Scripture it means to rejoice and celebrate  restoration and freedom.  The book of Leviticus lays out particulars of how the Israelites were supposed to acknowledge the year of jubilee.

Considering my past year, I’ve been wondering about this business of Jubilee.  This journey I’ve been on,  thousands of emotional miles, all in a matter of months, has permanently altered me.  I’ve been examining some of the monumental moments.  Just like the craftsman with my ring, The Heavenly Father has been forming me, coaxing me into the exact shape of who He wants me to be.  Sometimes it has been a light tap, other times a firm knock – but He is the one responsible for changing my very being.  All with a view of restoration, and freedom, I’m renewed to be more like Him, and to genuinely reflect His glory.

So, I’m wearing my Jubilee ring.  And with a great deal of affection and gratefulness, I might add.   Every time I notice that ring on my finger, I have cause to rejoice.  Rejoice for this life that He has given me, for His redeeming work in my heart, and for every promise He has made to me – because every promise He has made is true.   It is a beautiful time of jubilee in my heart, and He is the one who has made it so.

She stood over the piled-high laundry basket of clean clothes.  wailing.  loudly.  From the opposite end of the hall I had this feeling, this gut-instinct, that we were going to be late.    That, or my littlest daughter, who had turned into a  puddle of tears, would suddenly find something suitable to wear and we would miraculously be on our way.

I walked quietly to the bedroom and kneeled down beside her.  For once on my part, there was no gusto.  No booming robust voice.

And I whispered, “What’s wrong baby doll?”

And she half-sniffled, “I can’t find anything to wear that I like!”

(please, keep us in your prayers, after all she is only four… )

So, I said – “But, sweet girl, here is your favorite outfit!”  and I pulled out a new dress that her grandmama had given her recently.  But, it was to no avail.  Nothing was going to work because the only pieces of clothing she had in mind were not appropriate for our day out – old and worn out, or too small.  Maybe they could be okay for playing in the backyard, but not for public viewing.

After sifting and sorting through the very large pile of clothes in the basket, and also experiencing an equal amount of wailing, we found something acceptable for her to wear.  And we were off.

I’ve been thinking about this event all day today.  Mostly because I feel a bit of a kinship to my daughter in this way.  Lately, my course has changed in some ways – no biggie, really.  But, some of the hats I used to wear, I’ve put away – they don’t fit me like they used to.  And there are some new garments, hats or accessories if you will –   some new opportunities the Heavenly Father has given me.

Truthfully, I’ve been walking around wearing these new pieces, feeling like I’m not sure if they fit – and I really, really really just want to go dig thru the basket of my recent history and pull out something old and comfortable.

I’ve shed a few tears, in fact.  I may have even wailed…

But, when I look at the old, compared to the new – whether we’re talking about my life as a mother, a wife, a friend, a teacher to my children, as a musician and worship leader, a baker or simply as a woman who wants to live a healthy life –  I can see one thing clearly.

Stepping firmly into these new roles, I am also putting on new qualities (or you may call them fruit of the spirit):  like patience, kindness, humility.  All of the “uncomfortable” I’m experiencing that comes with the newness seems to be rubbing away some of the old confidence, the self-reliance, the pride.

The reality: All of these new garments He’s given me, are means He’s using to make me look more like Jesus.

Staring at these snapshots of my heart – the old versus new- I am drawn closer to the truth of God’s Word:

from Isaiah 42:8-9
I am the Lord, that is My name;
And My glory I will not give to another,
Nor My praise to carved images.
⁹ Behold, the former things have come to pass,
And new things I declare;
Before they spring forth I tell you of them.”

and from 2Corinthians 5:17:
¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

While there may be pain or discomfort while it comes to fruition, the promise remains true:  with Jesus there is always redemption in the wings.  In Him “new” and “more glorious”  are always at hand.  And there is coming a day, when every piece will fit perfectly, just as we’d always hoped.

Bless His name.  amen.