Last night was a bit rough… I was awake for a long time thinking.  Its a woman’s responsibility to solve the world’s problems at 2 o’clock in the morning.  I was not successful.

A lot of times I write and blog at night.  The Lord speaks a little clearer, enhances my creativity and gives me boldness at that time of evening.  But last night I ignored Him.  He gave me a pretty clear idea and I stayed in bed.  I was busy problem solving.

I apologize.

The reason I’m apologizing is that now, this morning, I have an urge to write on the topic and I can’t remember what it was.  I clearly remember thinking it wasn’t something I should write.  Usually, that means its something I don’t want to divulge to everyone, even though its what He is asking me to do.  I was not obedient last night ;  I let the moment pass.

What if I, in my delinquent behavior, am missing out on something life changing?  What if you are?

Most often, I try to write about how the Gospel is at work in my heart – and that requires honesty combined with obedience.  But this blog is not the only place I should be obediently sharing the gospel.  God asks me to share the gospel with everyone around me.  I am far less obedient in this capacity…

What if those around me are missing out on something life changing because of my indifference? What if I am?  These are all terribly difficult questions and I don’t like them at all.   I have completely stepped outside of my comfort zone here.

Back to the reality of the Gospel!  Romans 8:1-2 confirms, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ² because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” Hallelujah!  There is forgiveness for my indiscretion.  And freedom to make a fresh start at obedience.

Someday I want this to be said of me : that my life shone so bright with the light of the gospel that others came to know Him and praised God because of it!  I don’t want to make any more apologies!

From God’s Word: (Paul writing to the Corinthians)

2Corinthians 9:12-13

12 This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lord’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. ¹³ Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else.

Heavenly Father, Give me a willing and obedient heart, no matter what the circumstances are, so that others will understand and know your love and forgiveness.  By your power let me live a life of obedience, with fewer apologies!  And someday, when I mess up again (because its bound to happen) let me feel the freedom of your forgiveness and the desire to start anew!  amen

At some point over the past weekend I read a story about the tragedy that continues in Haiti. Seriously, I have a memory like a sieve- and so, I do not remember a lot of the details being conveyed.  But I do remember one thing.  There is one point that sticks out in my mind, like a bright colorful neon sign.  “Think about this more!  Think about this more!”  Its been flashing repetitively, again and again.  Pulsating in my brain.  Could it be the Holy Spirit?

The story was told of how a storm was coming across the ocean towards Haiti.  The aid and relief workers there were trying to convince the people of a tent city, thousands of people who had already suffered mass devastation not that long ago, to leave the few things they had and move to safety.  Many refused.  They had so little, this was all they had left.  Why should they want to move to safety?

They didn’t want to survive without their belongings.

I think about this account, sitting in my warm, comfortable home, on my nice couch, while typing on my high-tech laptop, with a full tummy from a yummy lunch and the list goes on and on.  I have everything I need multiplied by 100.  I can’t say I blame them.  I certainly have no room to judge them.

I find myself in need of a serious heart adjustment.  I am easily swallowed whole by an addiction to stuff.   And while I realize that the people of Haiti are living in the middle of devastation and I know nothing of the sort – it still proves this fact:  each of us is capable, no matter the situation, of finding their peace and satisfaction in tangible things. I am one of the worst offenders on this point.

Perhaps that is why the sign was flashing so brightly in my mind.  I need to refocus, especially at this time of year.  It seems ironic in a way;  I need to work on being thankful, but at the same time I’m making Christmas lists.  Its easy to make a super long tally of all the things I’d like to have or “need” – when really I should just be content and thankful.  I need to keep my mind on Christ and the things that are not seen, the things that can not be touched or held.  These things can’t be found on Amazon, or bought at the local mall.

So. Here is the real truth, applied to my heart.  Real life in Christ can only be lived to the fullest when my heart centers on the intangible gifts from God and His Word; when material things are an afterthought for me.   I know this is only done by HIS strength.  The same question keeps going through my mind:

If I lived in that tent city in Haiti right now, would my thoughts be like Paul’s in Philippians 4?

“11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

And my answer is : I don’t know.  But, this is my prayer today.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the neon signs that You send my way, illuminating the darkest parts of my heart. Will you help Paul’s words to be mine, too?  Let me walk through this life, realizing your power that can help me need “stuff” less.  May I understand that true contentment only comes from knowing You more.    amen

I took Mario and Luigi trick or treating this past weekend.  They were so cute, my Em and Isaac.  Super Mario Brothers is one of their favorite wii games these days, so the costume decision was not a difficult one this year.  We even did makeup mustaches.  It was perfect.

Halloween is not a huge event for us, but we enjoy getting a little candy.  Every year when this day rolls around, I end up dwelling on the faces that I see while we are trick or treating. Last night we saw Spiderman, Bride of Frankenstein, Buzz Lightyear and the list goes on and on… Their masks are so intriguing.  But often I wonder what is hiding behind them.

I guess I wonder because I have my own masks, you know.  Not halloween ones – but they are mine.  I put them on when I want to hide stuff -when I don’t want people to see my blemishes, my problems, my sin.  As much as I hate it, its true.  Its pretty scary how I put on a “religious” costume so that people won’t see the real me.  Just keepin’ it real, here.

So this year, on Sunday, which was actually Halloween – we also celebrated the reformation.  It was a service where we did the normal Reformation Sunday things like sing “A Mighty Fortress” by Martin Luther and we read Scripture about our true foundation being in Christ.  All good things, for sure.  But the sermon really renewed something for me.  and it is this:

I don’t need my masks.

In a very short, and super simplified manner I’m going to tell you what I re-learned.  The Reformation began the process of common people understanding that they have access to Christ.  He is our mediator, He purchased our salvation with his death and resurrection.  His forgiveness is what we need, no indulgences necessary.  And no matter what my blemishes and sins are – I don’t have to hide behind masks.  He has taken care of it all.

How ironic, that on the same day we were planning for Halloween trick or treating- a day of wearing costumes and masks, I was finding freedom anew : I can put my masks away!

Hebrews 4:13-16

“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Thank you Heavenly Father for the revived sense of forgiveness you have given to me today.  It is a beautiful gift.  Let me live, holding on firmly to my faith – setting aside those masks.  And thank you for your grace that will help me to keep from picking them up again.  amen.

Wednesday morning started as every morning should:  as smooth as creamy jif, spread on a piece of warm toast.  Yes, it was lovely.  Breakfast was done, with the dishes cleaned up.  Bread dough was resting on the counter, almost ready to bake. Everyone was dressed without major complications and Emily had completed the best round of math lessons ever.

I whisked my basket of laundry down the stairs to my washer, while my children were playing quietly together, thinking that today may be the day I would claim my rightful title of Super Mom.  As I tossed in the clothes and started the machine, the gush of water slowed to a trickle, to a drip or two, to nothing.  What?

I took the stairs two at a time, back to the kitchen…  I flipped on the faucet …nothing.  My precious daughter, from her bedroom said, “Mommy, there’s a man in our front yard doing something.”  This is where my morning took a turn for the worse.

I flew back down the stairs and burst out the garage door.  And I said in a loud voice, I suppose that could only be described as shrieking, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?”

The gentleman from the water company politely replied, “Turning off your water.”

“WHY?”

He said simply, “No payment.”

With those words, I begged (or possibly commanded) him not to leave.  I hurried back up the stairs to our room where I found the water bill, towards the back of the stack.  Final due date: yesterday.   I grabbed the checkbook, swallowed a huge dose of humble on the way out the front door, hoping he would take my payment and turn the water on before leaving.  And thankfully, in spite of my angry demeanor, he took my money and turned on my water.

As I turned to come in, I realized there was no hope of claiming that “Super Mom” title today.  I had presented the worst version of myself.  Definitely NOT Super Mom type of behavior.

I come from a long line of over reactors.  Even my dad and my sister would vouch for me on this point, but its no excuse.  My hostile temper broke through my facade, what I think of as the best version of myself – and reared its ugly head.  Admittedly, I have a temper.  When things go wrong, especially if I’m the cause (like forgetting to pay the water bill) I loose it for this reason : I really want to believe in that best version of me and that it is good enough….

One of our pastors taught us a while back something I will never forget:  “You are far worse off than you ever imagined.  But far more loved than you’ve ever dreamed.”

With another failure under my belt, I realize just how true this is.  No matter how sinful I am, I will probably never understand the depths of my own condition.  But He does and He loves me with a promise of forgiveness and  a fresh start.

The Best version of me is the forgiven version.  Its the one that gets up each morning, claiming His mercies for the day.  Survival is living surrounded by the love of my Heavenly Father.   And that is life far beyond my wildest dreams.

So, maybe tomorrow… then I’ll be able to present that best version.

Lamentations 3:21-23

This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.  It is of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

(Posting this today, celebrating my first month blogging…  originally written May 21st… )

Many things today have moved my heart to a place of gratitude. A video, a picture, a few memories – all have set my posture towards thanksgiving. I am overjoyed at the good things in my life. Laughter and tears have come all at once, blended together bringing hallelujahs!

 

There are times when I focus on the difficult, the impossible, the sadness, the illness, anything other than what seems good. I bristle, sometimes even curse the dark times. How can anything of this nature be a blessing?

 

To call Him blessed or rejoice inside of tribulation does not necessarily jive with the world’s idea of “blessed” or “blessings” – but it is His definition. There is a song, taken from Scripture, that calls on us to Bless his Name whether we are walking thru sorrow or happiness, that He is a good God in famine and plenty, in health or sickness. This idea shoots like an arrow right to the center of my heart and speaks loudly to me in the midst of my hallelujahs.

 

The blessing, clearly is not the circumstance but, that He is at work in my life.

 

With the life that I have, I am constantly tempted to give thanks only for the goodness. That would be easy because I live a very spoiled life. When there is suffering, I mourn, throw a pity party and then move on. Its probably my human nature, but it is how I have lived life.

 

I’m making a conscious effort today to try to view things differently. To choose a heart of thanksgiving regardless of circumstances seems like a lofty goal, maybe too idealistic, but I have to try. Can I truly bless His name in the midst of trials?

 

Job did it: (from Job 1)

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

and naked I will depart.

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;

may the name of the LORD be praised.”

 

Dear Lord,

You have chosen me for a season of goodness right now. Your precious gifts to me are plentiful, even countless. Let me remember to live with a heart of gratefulness whether you give or take away. Blessed be your name at all times!

Amen and amen!

 

Last night I realized it was happening when I went outside to look at my dahlias.  I’ve been caring for them all summer, nursing them along through the heat in a small bed out in the front yard.  I went out to say my goodbyes.  My guess is we’ll turn their bed over this weekend.  Autumn has arrived…

Right now I’m embarking on my 36th fall.  Thirty five summers, falls, winters and springs have come and gone.  It seems impossible.   But this fall is different.  I’m nostalgic and yet I’m anticipating life – all at the same time.  Its a bit unsettling.

There are so many things to be thankful for.  Its remarkable how good God has been to me and my family; so many accomplishments that we can account for, so many blessings – all from His hand.   But, at 35 I sense change, some easy and some a bit more difficult.

What’s so different than at 25?  Well, eleven years no longer qualifies me as a newly wed.  I’m the mother of 3 children now and they are growing up at the speed of light.  Soon I’ll just be “Mom” instead of “mommy.”  I don’t fit a speck of the clothes that I owned 10 years ago.  I have the beginnings of crows feet and laugh lines on my face, which I purchased special makeup last weekend in order to cover. I’m a stay at home mom who bakes bread, home schools and has a garden.  My musical tastes have changed and I write a blog.  Its all so different now than what I expected when I was 25…

On the other hand there are so many things to look forward to at 35.  More sleep is at the top of my list. (I’ll be all set just as soon as Mackenzie puts it at the top of her list…)  There will be less shoe tying and more bicycle riding. I’ll gladly say goodbye to dirty diapers and their god-forsaken pail when the time arrives.  And I can’t wait to have a date night with my hubby that doesn’t require a fortune spent on baby sitting.

I’m sure there will be things much more complicated at 45 and 55 to think about, like driver’s ed, college admissions, menopause, AARP, aging parents and well this list could be really overwhelming as I start to think about it, so I’ll keep to my anticipating for now.  Those things will be worried about enough when the time comes.

With the start of my 36th year, there is a new beginning. Its the option to start fresh and embrace this life.  I’m sure I have no idea what to expect.   But for this one thing:  I know I have a Heavenly Father who will see me through all of it.

My favorite Alison Krauss tune says it well:

“In The Palm Of Your Hand”

If I could have the world and all it owns
A thousand kingdoms, a thousand thrones
If all the earth were mine to hold
With wealth my only goal

I’d spend my gold on selfish things
Without the love that Your life brings
Just a little bit more is all I’d need
‘Til life was torn from me

If I should walk the streets no place to sleep
No faith in promises You keep
I’d have no way to buy my bread
With a bottle for my bed

But if I trust the One who died for me
Who shed His blood to set me free
If I live my life to trust in You
Your grace will see me through

I’d rather be in the palm of Your hand
Though rich or poor I may be
Faith can see right through the circumstance
Sees the forest in spite of the trees,  Your grace provides for me…”

The past 10 years have been unusual and wonderful in so many ways.   I know that I can look ahead to the future, no matter what season I’m in and be confident that my Heavenly Father has already taken care of everything.  This is the joy and peace I have at 35 and counting…