It appeared on a friend’s facebook status Saturday afternoon…  “Why can’t Mondays feel like Saturdays?”  As I reveled in the relaxation of my own Saturday, I agreed.  Wouldn’t it be great if Monday could feel like Saturday?  That would be wonderful.  I could stay in my jammies, make pancakes at a relaxed pace, and generally just enjoy life.   No stress, no worries, no pressure.

Sometimes I feel the Monday morning pressure begin to dominate my emotions on Sunday evening.  I know its coming.  The desire to conquer combined with the knowledge of possible defeat is down right depressing.  In fact, this morning as I went to worship services, my mind was racing ahead making plans for the next day already.  Its all too true.  Pitiful, but true.

We began to practice one of the worship choruses and I could feel hot tears gathering…  It is a song that changes my course every time I hear it.  Today the words melted every plan I had into a big puddle of unimportant nothingness.  Do you know why?  I came to realize in a fresh way that I am loved unconditionally and extravagantly by the Savior.  Every care, every worry, every stress pales in comparison to how He loves me. What a magnificent freedom that came with this knowledge!  It was enough to relax my Monday right into a Saturday!

and so, without further delay, here is the song…

Loved before the dawn of time,
Chosen by my Maker,
Hidden in my Savior:
I am His and He is mine,
Cherished for eternity.

When I’m stained with guilt and sin,
He is there to lift me,
Heal me and forgive me;
Gives me strength to stand again,
Stronger than I was before.

All the chains of Satan’s curse
Lifted through His offering,
Satisfied through suffering;
All the blessings He deserves
Poured on my unworthy soul.

So with every breath that I am given
I will sing salvation’s song;
And I’ll join the chorus of creation
Giving praise to Christ alone.

Stars will fade and mountains fall;
Christ will shine forever,
Love’s unfading splendour.
Earth and heaven will bow in awe,
Joining in salvation’s song.

Thank you Heavenly Father for your sustaining, empowering, forever love.  It is surrounding me, holding me, lifting me when I need it the most… especially on a Monday morning.

amen.

If you will, allow me to be very vague, without being disingenuous…

Recently I opened the door.  I peaked out into the hallway and closed the door again.  Its comfortable in here, and I’m not ready to leave my haven.  But the door has opened again.  I have a decision to make – should I go into the hallway?

If I do cross the threshold, the door may close behind me.  Access to my sweet haven may not be possible again…  The hallway isn’t a nice place to be.  There’s nowhere to sit down or get cozy.  Its the opposite of comfortable.

I do feel the urge to go, I know that it is most likely what I should do… but I don’t know for sure what will happen once I get into the corridor.  Will the next door open up right away?  What if a window opens instead?  Worse… what if I don’t like the door that opens?  There are any number of scenarios that could make this very awkward.

“When God closes a door, He always opens another one: although, it can be hell in the hallway”  The truth is (and I know this is really true), in transition, the hallway (better described as the unknown) is an uneasy place to be – and – in some forms it can feel like hell.

If I step out into that new passage way sure of the Spirit’s leading, I will hear unholy voices whisper lies to me.  They’ll tell me that if the “right” door doesn’t open right away that I’ve left God’s will. They’ll taunt me, saying a new door is never going to be an option now.   In my heart, I know those words are not truth – they are fabrications, fiery darts from Satan himself.  He’s hoping I’ll retreat down the hall to my old door and jiggle the knob, trying to get back in.  He’s already planning that I’m a coward.

So before, I even cross my big toe through that door way, I’ve been praying for guidance.  I am not going without being prepared.  And the only words I hear ringing in my ears are HIS truth:  from Ephesians 6:10-18.

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

It makes it sound like I’m headed to war.  Maybe I am, I’m not sure.  I guess I’ll have to go through that door when it opens.  But, I’m confident I’ve got the best protection.  And, I know He will guide me on this new adventure if I step out in obedience.   After all, He didn’t really promise comfort, but He did promise to open the doors.

I’m chilling out on the couch at the home of friends.  Well, I’m trying to chill out.  Its quite cozy and comfortable here, no need to worry about me.  I’m just not good at relaxing, especially when things are not turning out like I planned.

What had I planned, you ask?  Our vacation timeline should have ended yesterday evening around 10 pm, and today was our day to unpack and do laundry, make a trip to the grocery store and return phone calls, that kind of thing.  Michael even took a vacation day to recover from driving.  But, we aren’t home yet.

Yesterday as we heard reports of dangerous roads, record breaking snowfalls and state emergencies, I felt the control (I thought I had) slipping through my fingers.  I found myself submitting to the snow and ice and their creator.  And that is why I have not been successful at chilling out away from home.

Why is this so hard for me?

Its a general inability to rely on the Heavenly Father.   And He is continually reminding me in so many different ways that I have to let go and acknowledge that He is in charge.  He is so good at moving me over and sliding back into the driver’s seat where He belongs.

Here at the beginning of the year, this is a great reminder for me.  I’m getting started, making all my plans, thinking about the future for 2011.  No matter what happens, with Him in control, I can be confident that all will be well.  That’s true in the little details and the big ones too.

This morning I woke up with a song in my heart, and it is the best reminder for me that in the middle of it all, I can be confident because of Him.  My mind can rest, my heart be at peace living in this reality.

Through the love of God, our Savior,
all will be well;
free and changeless is his favor,
all will be well;
precious is the blood that healed us,
perfect is the grace that sealed us,
strong the hand stretched out to shield us,
all will be well.

Though we pass through tribulation,
all will be well;
ours is such a full salvation,
all will be well.
happy when in God confiding,
fruitful if in Christ abiding,
holy through the Spirit’s guiding,
all will be well.

We expect a bright tomorrow;
all will be well;
faith can sing through days of sorrow,
all will be well;
on our Father’s love relying,
Jesus every need supplying
in our living, in our dying,
all will be well.

Heavenly Father, Thank you for your promises.  And thank you for continuing to teach me, in spite of my forgetfulness.  Help me to simply abide in You and rely on these promises instead of myself.   There is such comfort knowing, that truly all will be well.  amen.

I had the privilege of seeing a beautiful exhibit on the life of Princess Diana at the Grand Rapids Art Museum with mom and daughter.  As we walked through the different moments from her life’s timeline, there was joy to behold and sadness.  It was so lovely yet equally haunting.

It is no secret that she was a woman of means.  She came from a wealthy and prestigious family.   Married at a young age to the Prince of Whales,  there was nothing she didn’t have.  Fantastic and stunning jewelry, a designer wardrobe, homes and castles, it was all at her fingertips, to be sure.

As I think back on the pictures we saw of her, its her sparkling blue eyes that linger in my memory.  We saw her life portrayed for us in photos and video as well as other possessions and artifacts, but mostly I think of those eyes.  They seemed to search,  a hint of emptiness, there was a longing for more.

What more could someone like this beautiful princess want?

Her story is one of jilted love, to be sure.  Although she lived a life of grace, rich in humanitarian efforts, conducting a public life all the while caring for her sons, still, she had been set aside.  Her divorce from Prince Charles was a scandal that rocked the world.  When I was watching her story on display yesterday, I came to realize that maybe, just maybe she was longing for real and true love.

I know that is what I yearn for.  Love.  Unconditional, whole hearted love.  No amount of tiaras, gowns or vacation homes can buy it.  In fact – nothing can purchase the kind of love that is really fulfilling.  A fully satisfying love can only come from the inventor of love, our Creator, God himself.  Anything else that the world offers is an impostor.

There is good news.  He offers His love – it is free, for all who receive it.  I don’t have to have enough money or be from the right family tree or anything of that sort.  His love extends to each man, without price or condition.  I can’t describe it with my own words…  Forgive me, but I can’t get the lyrics to one of my favorite songs off my mind tonight… I know I’ve used them before…

Here is love, vast as the ocean
Lovingkindness as the flood
When the Prince of Life, our Ransom
Shed for us His precious blood
Who His love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing His praise?
He can never be forgotten
Throughout Heav’n’s eternal days

On the mount of crucifixion
Fountains opened deep and wide
Through the floodgates of God’s mercy
Flowed a vast a gracious tide
Grace and love, like mighty rivers
Poured incessant from above
And Heav’n’s peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love

No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is deeper, no love is truer
No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is like Your love, o Lord

This is love like no other.   I find such release and such peace knowing that I could never purchase it, and I will never have to.  Thank you, Oh my Heavenly Father for this all consuming, all sufficient love.

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! 1Jn 3:1

Today is a day for packing. We head to Michigan soon, so I don’t have a lot of time here.  But, I thought I’d share as briefly as I can what has happened to me.  Excuse me while I testify.

I woke up this morning, ready to get moving.  I spoke with the Lord in a quick fashion and got on with my day.  First, breakfast for the kids.  Then a trip to Target for last minute vacation necessities. After, I loaded the kids up and made a mad dash for the mountain, so they could spend time with their grand parents and I could pack in peace and quiet.  This is highly important because if I can’t focus, I end up forgetting important things like underwear.

Well, I got back home and put on some packing music.  My husband purchased the newest Israel Houghton CD from Itunes last night and it seemed like a good choice to get me moving.  And it was.  I was bee boppin’ around the house getting things done, making progress.

And then it happened… the last track of the CD came on called “Hosanna.”  The harmonies swept through my heart and I heard the words singing out, praising the Lord.   and my Heavenly Father said, “Excuse me, I would like to spend a bit more time with you.”

There in my hallway, with baskets of clean folded laundry, and suitcases and toiletries piled everywhere – I found myself in a prostrate position, worshipping the God of the Universe.  As tears streamed down my face, I felt His arms of love wrap tightly around me.  His presence was so real and tangible and warm;  I could not move.  Even now, my hands are shaking just a bit with this new and fresh knowledge :

I have a Heavenly Father who is pursuing me.  He loves me.  He will come to a little house in Middle Valley, even when I think I’m too busy so that He can spend time with me.  He is the ultimate lover of my soul.

My gracious Heavenly Father.  I will never forget these moments spent with you today.This is such a refreshing and renewing, energizing and fulfilling experience for making a fresh start into 2011.  I am so glad we’re beginning this new year together.  I love you.

md

Psalm 42: 7-8 (a)

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me…

Seriously!  Did you know its almost 2011?  Somehow, I find myself caught off guard by the year’s end.  I know that we have passed by my birthday in October, Thanksgiving in November, my daughter’s 9th birthday, and the entire advent season which ended with Christmas just a few days ago.  Yes, I am aware of all of it – and still I am astonished at the fact.

I am completely unprepared for the New Year.

2010 was quite a year. I started a garden and a blog.  I learned to bake bread from scratch.  I completed the process of potty training my middle child.

Ultimately, in hind-sight, it feels successful, even triumphant. Amid the surprises, between the  joy and sorrow, sickness and health, uncertainty and peace we survived.  God has brought my precious family through another year, and I really can’t take any credit for it at all.  Bless the Lord for His merciful hand working in our lives.

So, what’s my problem?  Well, its almost 2011.  The problem is that I am a planner.  If you know me personally, you know this is true.  I like to plan and make lists and be prepared… but 2011 isn’t letting me.   I have no idea what next year holds. And I don’t like it one little bit.   I think I vaguely remember feeling the same way at the end of 2009.  The whole situation is really exhausting.

I wish I wasn’t such a slow learner.

Being the administrative type that I am really is a cover for one thing.  It sounds good up front, like I’m all organized and such, but the truth is I plan because I’m a control freak and I am not good at trusting anyone with my destiny. Do I know what is going to happen in 2011?  No.  Can I plan for anything and everything that might come up?   absolutely not.  But, I spend a lot of time, at the end of each December trying to figure how I can take charge of the coming year. Man, am I emotionally worn out!

I read this thought somewhere recently: “Exhaustion comes when we take on a responsibility God never intended us to have. ”  This thought is reiterated in Scripture again and again and again – so much so, that I could never quote all of the verses here.  But one sticks out in my mind –

“Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.”

This verse asks me to do the one thing that can relieve my exhaustion and heal my anxieties.  It brings promise of peace if I’ll just surrender.  I need to waive that white flag because I have no idea what He has planned for 2011.  And really, it was never mine to plan in the first place. Only He knows what is coming.   With Him in control there is success, there is help, there is hope, there is victory.  I can rest and rely on the fact that HE is more than ready – and that is more than enough!  Praises be to Him alone!  Amen and Amen!

(originally written, advent season 2009)

Christmas Uninterrupted…

My holiday season has been very busy.   Yes, I have had a lot of activities with not much time for celebration.  I look at the advent season as a way to bring my heart into focus and I haven’t had much time to do that.  But, my self-inflicted busy schedule has come to a halt –  my calendar is clear until we head to Michigan to celebrate with my family.  Well, sort of clear…

As I sit and look at my beautiful tree and sip my cup of hot coffee I have a few minutes to reflect.  Thinking back on Luke’s account of the birth of Christ, the shepherds were just doing their job and the angels interrupted in a glorious chorus.  It made me wonder what would happen in my life.  What would happen if God would interrupt my regularly scheduled Christmas events?

What if when I looked at a Christmas tree, I didn’t see the presents gathered under the tree. Rather I saw it as a symbol : Jesus Christ, the tree of everlasting life.  What if as I gave and received gifts I could be reminded that this is just a small re-enactment of the true gift that was given in Jesus Christ?    And what if Christmas could become a true celebration of His Birthday, instead of a mad dash of selfishness?

I’ve been praying this prayer:  Jesus, please interrupt my Christmas.  That’s it.  Simple.  And he has been, in small ways; In a Christmas song on the radio, or a small meaningful gift – at a Christmas program or recital.  It is happening.  As I sing the words to a favorite carol, He presses the meaning into my heart so that it’s meaning lingers all day long.  Particular words to familiar Scripture passages from the Advent season seem new and fresh – I’ll never read them in the same way again.  His Spirit is truly interrupting my Christmas and it’s the most wonderful experience.  It has brought joy into the middle of my holiday season.

It seems that His work in my heart will continue – it is a forever event.  As I view Christ’s birth in this new way, I see Christmas as a celebration of life – His coming to earth, His death on the cross and His resurrection, bringing everlasting life.  Maybe His work in my heart is not to interrupt my Christmas, but rather my whole life, all year long.

I pray that as Jesus becomes more and more real in my heart, the work He is doing will truly go on and on – Christmas uninterrupted.

Tonight was unusual.  My husband came home from work late, completely exhausted after a more than 12 hour day.  He was in bed, asleep before I managed to get the kids in bed.  All in all, the lights were out and everyone but me asleep before 9.  As I walked down the hall to my bedroom, there was peace and quite.  I was alone.

If I’m honest with you I’ll tell you that I don’t enjoy it.  I’m a people person who enjoys conversation and laughing… I’m not so good at being by myself.  With three young children life doesn’t afford the opportunity for it either.  But even when there’s a chance for quiet, I fill it with noise and stuff and busyness.

Well, at 8:45 I was brushing my teeth thinking, “Now what?”  Normally, I’d be spending time with Michael, but he was out.  ZZZZZzzzzzz.

“I like it when we spend time together.”  I recognized His voice – they were warm words from my Heavenly Father.

And here’s my real honesty – I said, “okay”  … but then I put him off for a while…

Deep down in my heart I struggle to believe the Creator of the Universe is really interested in me.  It seems impossible.  But, tonight He continued to call me gently, waiting patiently.  I turned the tv off – and sat on my bed in the quiet… well, there was light snoring in the background – but it was mostly quiet.

Slowly my day unravelled and I told Him everything…  he said, “I know…”

His peace began filtering into the room.

That led to a discussion over something I’ve been worrying about – its in the future, not anything to contend with it soon and he said, “I know…”

I went on to tell Him about my heartbreak; something I can’t seem to tell anyone else – but it hurts terribly, without relenting.   He whispered, “I know…”

Now I could sense His calm settling over me.

And I told Him things about my children and He said, “I know…”

Then we sat in the quiet while His words sweetly drifted through my mind, Scriptures shared just between us, meeting the needs of my heart.

I said, “I love you.  I’m so glad we got to spend some time together, alone.”  and He said, “I know…”  That’s when the tears came.  I felt His love wash over my soul and my heart was whole again.

“We should do this more often.”

and of course He said, “I know.”

No matter how much time I spend with Him it will never be enough.  Eternity is the only solution for this dilemma.  In the meantime, sleep will come easier tonight.  There is comfort and peace that comes when I spend time alone with my Heavenly Father who knows.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

Target Lesson…

 

My family went to Target this evening.  I enjoy going there, usually.  I participate in their particular type of retail therapy regularly.  I especially like to go alone.  But, tonight was a family trip.  Its unusual for us but the trip was a non event.  Nothing memorable happened.   No diaper blowouts requiring new clothing.  No temper tantrums.

 

No begging.

 

My daughter typically has a bad habit of begging.  She becomes the shadow of the person with the wallet.  Then as though she has no memory at all, she completely forgets about the shelves, no rooms, full of toys.  And it begins.  She asks for something – a toy, a craft supply – anything.  What is at home is not good enough – she HAS to have…

 

As a result of the many Target trips where this has occurred, we’ve discussed it a lot.  She and I have had conversations about being satisfied with what she has rather than always looking for something more.  Tonight I had to wonder if maybe it has sunk in with her because she did not beg at all.

 

I was so in shock about it, I pondered it while I made muffins for tomorrow morning’s breakfast.  As I thought it over, I’m embarrassed to tell you I realized something.  An almost audible voice said, “Its too bad you aren’t learning this lesson.”  I almost dropped an egg shell into the muffin batter.

 

You see, if you’ll allow me to be vague, the Lord has been trying to teach me something.  I can’t really tell you the details because even now, I feel confident I haven’t come to grasp the lesson yet.  Let me say this – there is a very particular area in my life, even though its small, where I have been unsatisfied.  It is not an evil desire in and of itself.  However, there have been times where it has been an idol.  In my heart I have pursued satisfaction far above my love for Christ.

 

“But Lord, why not?  Why can’t I have this?  It would make me so happy! I’m sure of it!” This is what my prayer often sounds like…  Tonight He responded, to my heart “Contentment is a choice.  You are going to have to choose contentment. Your situation is not going to change right now.”

 

Didn’t I just have this conversation with my own daughter?  It was the pot calling the kettle black. Apparently the lesson was meant to target MY heart.

 

Lord, Help me.  Give me the courage and strength to say like Paul,  “for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”   Let my heart be satisfied in your love alone.  May I stay in that place of contentment with You.

 

md

(originally written August 25, 2010)