Tonight I laced up my new running shoes and stepped outside.  I turned on my iphone, chose the couch 2 5K app, put my buds in my ears and headed out down my driveway, walking at a good pace.  Its the beginning of a new phase for me.  I’m attempting to be a runner.

For those who know me, it may be laughable.  As a child I had asthma, and ever since I haven’t been an aggressive exerciser.  So, even though I’ve outgrown the asthma, for me to launch out in this way, is a bit strange. In fact, its completely out of character for me.  But I want to do it for my health, for my sanity and lots of other good reasons.

I looked down at my shoes.  Oh did they feel good.  I had tried to run in my old walking shoes last week and it just didn’t work.  These new runners looked as good as they felt.  I think I could wear them every day. all day.   When my iphone beeped to let me know it was time to run, my shoes seemed to propel me. amazing.

As I continued the cycles of walk- run-walk-run, my feet felt great.  I almost enjoyed the exercise.  What was a bit was unsettling was what I saw.  My neighbors’ houses.   I had forgotten, in my busy life, about all the people in my neighborhood.  As I slowed to a walk at one point I was reminded of something.  My other shoes…  The ones I don’t put on as often as I should.

How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation; that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth!  Isaiah 52:7

Oh, I should put my shoes on more often, the ones with the name brand, “believer” on them…  But, it makes me nervous.  I think of so many others who wear their shoes well – friends who are in China,  in Myanmar, cousins who live in Siberia, other cousins who spent a several months in Papa new Guinea.  These people use their livelihood, wearing their shoes, taking the good tidings to those who have not heard.  I on the other hand am afraid to put them on when I walk across the street to talk to my neighbor…

There was a quote that popped up on my iphone runners’ app tonight, but the words really seem to apply right now:

“If you want to become the best runner you can be, start now.  Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering if you can do it.”  (Priscilla Welch)

Scripture says it this way:

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.  Ephesians 5:15-16

or

Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.         Colossians 4: 5-6

These verses tell me to go.  go soon.  Don’t spend time wondering about it;  Let go of the fear because the time may be short.  I need to put on my shoes of the gospel of peace, and get moving.  I may not know exactly how, it may not feel comfortable or natural, but I have to do it.  Like the running, I need to get started – He’ll give me the stamina for the rest.

Tonight I had to make a run to Target for a few things.  It was getting late, so Michael stayed home and put kiddos in bed while I hit the road.  There is nothing more beautiful to this mommy’s weary soul at the end of the day than a quiet ride in my little black van.  alone.

It has become apparent that I should spend more time in my honda by myself.  Driving “alone time” seems to be when I can have clear concise thoughts. I get to listen to the music of my choice and I don’t have to settle any squabbles.  I can think about lesson plans or ponder the day’s events.  Look out, I might even dream about the future for a moment.  Its amazing what can happen when I’m alone.  in my odyssey.

What truly happens is there is space and quiet for me to hear.  Usually He speaks.

Those who aren’t from my neck of the woods won’t know about the intersection of Middle Valley road and Hixson Pike.  For me to get home from Target, I typically take Middle Valley Road.  Tonight,  I was worshipping along with one of my favorite CDs when I prepared to turn off of Hixson Pike onto Middle Valley.

Important information: Once you turn left onto Middle Valley, the double turn lane immediately merges into one lane.  My Christ-like attitude is always tested at this intersection.  always.  And tonight was no different.

As I made the turn, a large Lexus SUV sped along beside me, nearly running me off the road so he could get ahead of me and be first in the single lane.  Of course I gave him a run for his money and sped up.  I even said rather loudly under my breath, “Why does everyone always think they have to be first!?!?” Okay, I yelled.  So much for worshipping.  At least I didn’t have to be careful since the kids weren’t in the car; I was alone after all.  Or so I thought…

“Why do you always feel like you have to be first?”  That’s what He asked me in the quiet of my van.

I heard His question loud and clear – and had plenty of time to think about it.  Something very important hit home while I finished the drive home in silence.  I am the one who always wants to be first.  Selfishness.  My sin nature gets the best of me – and often I don’t even notice.  First in line.  Top of the pile.  Best of the Best.  That’s what I want for me and mine.  Leader of the pack.  In my little black van.

But that is not how believers are supposed to respond to life in the world, according to Scripture.

¹ Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.  ³ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you:  Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.                       (from Romans 12)

and…

¹ Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (from Philippians 2)

Why is this so hard for me?  Why am I the opposite of how these Scriptures suggest I should act as a believer?  I have to say that, I don’t think about it much.  I try to reason it away and make excuses for why its okay to ignore the passages.

It blows me away how he speaks to me, right smack dab in the middle of my journey.  With one question he brings me from unsuspecting, to understanding my sinful behavior. Then He ushers me from repentance to completely forgiven and rejoicing… all of this in my odyssey, when I’m alone, but with someone.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for continuing the work in my Heart, for noticing when You need to ask me the hard questions.  I’m glad You come along for the ride in my van.  You’re always invited, especially when I think I’m alone. amen.

Well, here I am again.  It seems like a never ending struggle.  I’m using an old, new tool…

weight watchers.

This time I’m doing it at home, on line.  Its so much more convenient this way.  No meetings.  No publicly humiliating weigh-ins.  Just me, my computer and the scales.  I prefer it this way, really.   I can do my weigh-in unfettered by unnecessary clothing items, first thing in the morning before I’ve eaten any breakfast…  It’s my way of setting aside the extra weight.

I’ve had success with weight watchers before…  But after three babies I find myself needing to work at loosing more weight.  again.  Its hard work, there is no doubt, but well worth it.   It requires careful eating habits and exercise.

Oh. Is that all?

Being the mother of three young children is much easier without carrying around the extra pounds.   I’m looking forward to not being winded after chasing Mackenzie up and down the yard.  There is something to be said for playing hard at the park with my kiddos without being so red-faced and out of breath that on-lookers wonder if they should call paramedics…   Yes.  I want to be fit and healthy again.

Whenever I begin down this path, watching the weight that is hindering my earthly body, I’m challenged to look at other weight.  Daily, I walk around encumbered  with “stuff.”   I carry with me worries, struggles, burdens, heartache, bad habits and any other number of intangible, but terribly heavy weights.

Why do I lug these things around?  Well, its simple.  Its just like my physical weight.  The longer I carry it all around, the more I forget what it is like to be without it.   Sometimes it seems comfortable to haul it with me.  Sometimes it seems easier than the work it will take to set it down.

Hebrews 12:1-2 encourages us this way:

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Let it go.  Lay it down.  Take it off.  Get rid of it.  Put it away.  Dump it.

Hebrews doesn’t say that its a cinch.  It doesn’t say its no trouble.  It doesn’t say once you do it, its all done.     Instead it warns me: it says that sin can easily get the best of us, so I have to be vigilant.  But, it says that Jesus endured the cross, He finished His race. And because of that work on the cross, that means I can have victory too; if I patiently run, if I can somehow get rid of all of the junk I’m carrying around.  Really its similar to my physical journey of weight-loss. It requires consistent habits of spending time with the Lord, exercising my walk with Him and consuming Scripture rather than the world’s junk.

Heavenly Father, Help me to be a weight watcher.  Give me the strength to find and set aside these burdens that fetter my heart, keeping me from running the race that is ahead.  Allow me to lay them down so that my journey is everything that you have intended for me.  And, if You will, help me each day as I continue my weight-loss program, physically and spiritually.  I know that you desire success for me in both ways.  Thank you for being so good to me.

amen.

I am, these days, a home schooling mom by trade.  Part of the home school mom job description is that you drive a mini van or larger vehicle.  I’ve never been one to enjoy driving a big car…  And when we decided to buy our Honda Odyssey, I just wasn’t sure about the whole thing.

But, I knew we needed to have more space, especially with three kids – if we ever wanted to comfortably make trips to visit my parents, we needed the larger car.  So, I learned.  Admittedly, in the beginning, I was no good at it.

I felt like I was steering a huge ocean going vessel.  It was so awkward parking or making tight turns. But, I’ve learned.  And to my credit – I haven’t scratched the car once, due to a mistake while driving.   Yep, I’m comfortable in the driver’s seat these days.  In fact the other day, we had to drop off a baby sitter. Her driveway is the kind that, in days gone by, I would have been afraid of, but not anymore.  I’ve got it all under control!

Until I arrive at my in-laws home.

Michael’s parents home sits at the bottom of a fairly steep driveway on Signal Mountain.  It curves just enough that  I cannot confidently back out, without assistance.  And by assistance I mean I have to ask Michael’s dad for help.   These days when I arrive for a visit, he often asks for my keys and turns my van around for me without any discussion.

I find my confidence unraveling even as I talk about it.  The truth is, its what needs to happen more in my heart.  I would love for everyone, including myself to believe that I am the master of my destiny, that I’m the captain,  large and in charge, no doubt!

But Jesus says no.  He says, “Give me the wheel and let me turn this ship around.”  Slowly, I’m learning it doesn’t need discussion.  I did say slowly, didn’t I?  Just about the moment I start thinking, “Wow! I’m really getting this whole driver’s seat thing…”   He reminds me, “This is too big for you.  You don’t even begin to know what you’re doing!  Let me do it!”

And how can I argue?  He really is the one who can handle it all!  So, day by day I try to give Him the keys… hopefully avoiding any major collisions that I might cause.  In exchange, each day He gives the grace I need to do just that!

Oh Lord!  Let this be my prayer today…

Psalm 25: 4-6

4 Show me your ways, LORD,
teach me your paths.
⁵ Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
⁶ Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

Its been a cold winter here in Chattanooga.  I keep peeking out my front window to see if there are signs of spring.  But, no.  Just brown grass.  My little flower garden is lonely and desolate.  There is a longing in my heart for spring and the pleasure that it affords.  Oh how I miss sitting in the front yard, a glass of sweet tea in hand, watching my children and the flowers grow, while warm evening breezes caress all of the living things…

For now, its still winter.

As much as I long for spring, here in Chattanooga – even more I long for renewed spiritual life in my heart and here on the earth.  I wait for warm breezes of the Holy Spirit to blow life into my soul – I long to feel His presence more deeply, more intensely, so that all of me is swept away and all that is left is Him.  My life, completely enfolded, surrounded, encompassed by Him.

So, what I’m about to tell you will seem strange, but please come along with me.  Humor me, if you will.  I’ve realized that its possible I’m dying.  In fact I’m sure of it.  Initially  it seems to be the exact opposite of the new life I’ve been hoping for.

Let me explain.  I’ve recently had experiences that should have phased me.  They should have turned me inside out, upside down and disrupted any life I currently hold on to.  But they didn’t.  Why?  It didn’t matter….  I’m dying.  It may not be true in every case – but in these instances I found it easy to let go.  In fact it seemed like I couldn’t feel it – because my very life comes from Christ, my only hope.  The death of my own ungodly desires seems to be the very signs of life I’ve been waiting for.

From Colossians 3:

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³ For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ, who is your^[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”

This is kind of how I’m thinking of it : In the present, or the here and now, as I’m able to let go of myself and my flesh – and the sins Paul lists in chapter three that I need to irradicate – then I discover a kind of death that is the beginning of real life.  But, that ultimate life, the real spring time that I’m looking for will come in the future tense when Christ returns full of glory and majesty.  When that happens, the beauty of spring will be eternal.  No more winter, no more sin and death!  Praise God!

For now, I wait. But I am thankful as I peek into the window of my own heart, where I see signs of death, that really mean I’m alive in Christ.  I look forward with hope and anticipation for the day when Jesus returns, bringing with Him a season of beauty and life that will last eternally.

Okay!  everything is back to normal!  So normal I’m right back to the original look…I missed the flowers, definitely ready for a bit more color again.    While I was repairing everything, I added something new!  There is now a tab for “mini portion.”  In short, the page will have a Scripture on it, which I intend to update fairly regularly, to keep my heart and hopefully yours encouraged throughout the day.  I’m not absolutely sure, but I don’t think that subscribers will be notified when I change it.  Its not my intention to overwhelm everyone’s inbox with “stuff”!

Hope you’re as happy as I was to see a little “spring” on the page again.  Enjoy!

Melody

I’m considering baking a cake – a carrot cake. It’s for my close friend – and usually I bake it for her family for special occasions. Her husband just called. They have had a family crisis and what do I do when a friend has a crisis? I take them a baked good – its what I know to do.

Unfortunately, its not likely going to work this time. The damage is far- reaching. It will have tentacles that extend into the lives of their children and beyond. In this situation its a matter of betrayal of trust and I suppose that is all I should say at this time – but it is painful. It is devastation that only God will be able repair.

Everywhere I look it seems that I see betrayers. People choosing sin, acting out destruction on loved ones. And all I’ve been able to do is brew a spirit of indignation. I can’t stand it. Why would these people who know God’s grace is available choose otherwise? I could scream, but I don’t want to wake my napping toddler.

Right now, as I search thru the “favorites” for my carrot cake recipe, there is music playing. Its my Easter playlist on my ipod. About halfway down the list is an old hymn – Jesus Paid it All. I hear the words:

For now indeed I find thy power and thine alone can change the leppers’ spots and melt the heart of stone. Jesus Paid it all. All to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.

Briefly, I imagine that the blood He shed is only good enough for my sin. Surely, He doesn’t forgive betrayers. And then I remember. I am a betrayer myself. If anyone is a sinner it is me. It is only by the power of the Holy Spirit that I am choosing God’s grace in my own life. I could be on a road of destruction right now – but He is faithful to forgive me daily.

More words ring in my ears :

Oh Praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.

If He can raise this life from the depths of sin – He can do it for any sinner. Oh that He would bring grace and forgiveness to other betrayers too. May their hearts be turned toward salvation.

Here are words from Scripture for my heart’s consideration:

1Timothy 1:14-16

The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.

But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.

As for my friend and her family, the dammage is great – But He is greater! I believe He has already made the arrangements for payment. The debt has already been paid! Christ crucified, buried and resurrected: this is the master plan for healing, restoration and recovery that He promises. Hallelujah!

And that is definitely better than any carrot cake I could ever offer.

 

(originally written February 2010)