It was the day after Valentine’s. I sat in my car with my earbuds in, music playing – urging me to get out of the car… The words got to me:

I remember when,
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so special about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

In 26 degree F, 16 F windchill type of weather, I got up and out of the car and its lovely heated seats and went for a run.  See, I’m working on this training plan to run a 10K later this spring.  Weeks ago I committed to stick with it, I couldn’t give up already.  Back then I didn’t know the frigid temps would dive so low.  But, that’s not the point; the running must go on.   I had decided that I wasn’t just a runner because I said I was – I’m a runner because I  run, even if it is difficult.

That day I was the only one there; usually there are quite a few exercising.  As my feet hit the pavement for 2 miles, my lungs burning, I kept thinking, “I have lost my ever-loving mind!”

I can’t help but compare this to following Jesus.

You can start out, as a believer, with verbal confirmation- telling others the choice you’ve made – and that is a good place to start.  But the truth is this:  As I exchange my mind for His, my thoughts and desires lost in His will, it changes my actions.  Oh, it isn’t easy.  It takes real commitment.   But, when I begin to follow Him, humbly and sacrificially – I become a true believer.  Not just because I say I am, but because I’m truly following.   even if no one else is.

from Philippians 2:5-12

5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, 7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. 9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, 11 and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ isLord, to the glory of God the Father.

12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

What good news!  It is an extraordinary gift from God. There is such comfort in the knowledge that I can have the mind of Christ as His follower.  He will work in me, to transform my mind and my life.  As a child of God I’m thankful for His word, and the new life He freely gives.

Oh the words to this hymn! Such truth as I seek to lose my own mind in exchange for His!

May the mind of Christ, my Savior,
Live in me from day to day,
By His love and power controlling
All I do and say.

May the Word of God dwell richly
In my heart from hour to hour,
So that all may see I triumph
Only through His power.

May the peace of God my Father
Rule my life in everything,
That I may be calm to comfort
Sick and sorrowing.

May the love of Jesus fill me
As the waters fill the sea;
Him exalting, self abasing,
This is victory.

May I run the race before me,
Strong and brave to face the foe,
Looking only unto Jesus
As I onward go.

May His beauty rest upon me,
As I seek the lost to win,
And may they forget the channel,
Seeing only Him.

Its about two years ago now that things got a little rough.  2013 felt like a long and winding road.   There was a doctor’s office involved, an unhappy diagnosis and treatment to follow.

Most people have their own version of rough.  Life is not without affliction.

At the time, I walked the road in front of me and held on tightly to Jesus, because there was no other choice.   The experience left me with new knowledge of trust and peace from Him that I would never have experienced any other way.   Looking back I wouldn’t trade it.

Today, while I was playing in worship, I took a minute to remember…

It is kind of funny, because when you’re in the middle of something emotionally and physically difficult, you don’t always see very clearly.  Back then, it was a moment to moment kind of living; many “one foot in front of the other” kind of days.   Anyway, In 2013 I was leading worship every Sunday morning at a church, and there was one song that we sang together pretty regularly.  You’ve probably heard it before.    The words are poignant, but were especially meaningful to me back then.

Well, the Sunday after my diagnosis, I remember arriving at church and looking over my notes for the service – and I had chosen that song.    Ten Thousand Reasons.    I almost choked.  How in the world had I planned to sing that song on a day when I didn’t know if I’d be able to sing at all without crying?

Honestly, I wasn’t sure I could give glory to God in the middle of this crisis.  Faced with my own mortality and all of the unknowns ahead, I didn’t really want to sing this song.  But, I did.   Through tears I sang these words with the congregation, and as I did, my heart swelled full of unspeakable joy and newly strengthened faith.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul
Worship His holy name, Sing like never before
O my soul, I’ll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

You’re rich in love, and You’re slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

10,000. (Seriously – that is more than I can number right now. ) It isn’t 10,000 things, or stuff.  It isn’t necessarily tangible or material. or my happy life events.    Although all of that is from Him and deserves my gratefulness.  But that 10,000?  It is HIM and who He is, 10,000 different ways.  I can’t really fathom it.

Two years ago I struggled to praise Him.  But today, as I played this same song I knew in my heart :  I am thankful for the promise of eternity.  When that final day comes and eternity arrives, I will never run out of time or reason for worshiping Him.

Tomorrow’s the day we drive to Vanderbilt.  Just like last year.  I suppose we’ll go again next year too. It’s time for a check up.

My attitude towards “my lymphoma” (I call it that in order to own it, I guess) has changed a lot since I was diagnosed two years ago.  Initially I felt like it was consuming me, maybe like it was going to swallow me whole.  But, once I finished the previous round of treatment last spring, I let it all sort of drift into oblivion.  I didn’t think about it very often, except to try to maintain a healthy lifestyle, which is beneficial for my immune system. Even after switching to a new physician and seeing him as well as a nutritionist regularly to help me with getting healthy, “my lymphoma” was really in my periphery.  Nothing to think over too much.

Except now.

I will visit the physician at Vanderbilt who specializes in the kind of lymphoma I have.  We’ll chat.  He’ll do a body scan under this special light probably and all the interns will come in and ooh and aahh over me and the fact that I’m an anomaly.   Yep.  freak show.

And at the end of the appointment I find out what’s next.

Except I already know.

Well, not in a medical sense.  In fact, I’m a tiny bit concerned that there is a new lesion forming.  So, who knows what will happen?  But, I can tell you what will happen once I leave.

I’ll shed a few tears for the sheer emotion of it all, relieved that it is over, and content that I can mostly go back to my normal, maybe a few weeks of treatment, or maybe not.  

But, I will choose to acknowledge what a gift this appointment is.

You see, every year I have the privilege to examine my life by means of this trip to Vanderbilt. I have the opportunity to view my life thru a different lens.  When I come to grips with the reality that my tomorrows are truly counted out by His hand, it changes how I take on the day.  He is in control, and I am not. I can be fully at rest in His hand, relying on his supreme goodness.

But next to this knowledge, there’s this: Each year I get to recalibrate. This trip helps me focus- deciding what in my life is a priority and what is not. I’m faced with the fact that I don’t know how many more years there are in my journey. The reminder is invaluable.

But truly,  isn’t that the reality for all of us?  I suppose the only difference is that I’m reminded more poignantly than some.

Heavenly Father, I’m grateful for this yearly adjustment.  Keep my heart and mind focused on You and your Goodness.  Let me praise you more and more all year long! amen.

Every year after Christmas, Michael and I pack up the kids and head north to visit my folks.  And every year that we keep this tradition I ask the Lord for protection on the trip, and I briefly petition for snow – although that never seems necessary – and I pray that we all will enjoy our time together.

You’ve heard the saying that family who overstay their welcome are like dead fish.  They really stink.  And I never my parents want to feel that way about our time at their home.

This year was no different.  My prayers were similar to previous years – but, this year it seemed I needed a little more.  A bit extra TLC, maybe some medicine for my heart and mind so I’d be more prepared for 2015.   And so I prayed.

…..

On Monday I was reading in Mark, chapter 5, and I came across this passage from Jesus life.

 30 And Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone out from him, immediately turned about in the crowd and said, “Who touched my garments?” 31 And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, ‘Who touched me?’” 32 And he looked around to see who had done it. 33 But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him and told him the whole truth. 34 And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”

Over the course of our week here, I have been able to slow down and spend time with my family and my parents. It has ministered to me in ways I’m sure no one but me understands, with the exception of The One who answered my request.  There has been a lot of rest, a lot of chatting and catching up, a lot of playing in the snow, and an extraordinary amount of laughter.

I’ve thought a lot about the passage from Mark.  There aren’t particular parallels between myself and the woman who was healed in this chapter – except this:  In spite of the fact that the new year has begun, and there are thousands of people around the world making all manner of requests, pressing Him on all sides, He hears them all; and in fact, the Heavenly Father heard mine.  He reached down and answered my fairly insignificant requests (compared to the woman’s need in Mark 5), meeting very specific needs.

There is not much better news for starting the new year than being reminded that there is a Heavenly Father who knows my needs and meets them.  We head home tomorrow morning, bright and early – and my heart is ready!   What a great gift for beginning 2015.

I received an email from one of our church members the night before our annual Christmas program that said, “They’ll never forget their first choir director.”  There was a photo attached of me working with my children’s choir.

And he was right, because within moments I remembered Mrs. Wilson as though just yesterday I was in her fourth and fifth grade choir at Northridge Elementary School.

It was Christmas, 1980-something, and I elected to take my lunch to a classroom with other children and there we scarfed down our lunch before working on learning a few Christmas selections.  I’m certain we sang a two part rendition of “Up on the Rooftop.”  Mrs. Adams played the piano for us – I always remember the accompanist.

All that time ago, I began loving singing in a choir, and now this year, I conducted my own choir of shining faces, who love me like I’m a super star.   They must know I love them too and the music that is in their little hearts.

How often, over this Christmas season I felt circles enclosing, in beautiful, heart-warming ways.

In 1998 I moved here, to work at a church, for a man named Paul Faulkner.  I taught piano lessons, and he was my direct supervisor at the School of Arts.  This year, 16 years later, I am working as an accompanist for the very same man at a christian school.  What is unique about this particular circle of life is that my peer who accompanies with me, was one of my first piano students all those years ago.  Kari is now a professional pianist, working with me, for the man who hired me to work in Chattanooga…

I’m blown away when I think of these large, circles and how they are drawn, by our heavenly Father, intending to link us together with others in ways that are beyond our own ability to create or comprehend.

Tomorrow 2015 begins, and I wonder what circles will begin, and what circles will come to fruition?    I’m grateful that I’m not in charge of creating my own circles – they would be small and self fulfilling – but not nearly as broad and gorgeous and open as what my Heavenly Father creates with the care of His own hands.  What a beautiful life He has mercifully created for me.

I know I’ve mentioned this Scripture before, but it is increasingly meaningful to me, the older I get – and the more I see how its truth unfolds in front of my eyes.

from Colossians 1:
17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

As I step into a new year, I am confident in this thought.  Even as I take individual these steps of daily life, one at a time – He uses them to form my life into the very creation He has planned.

Heavenly Father, In my heart of hearts I am grateful for the beauty you have created. As You cause all things to grow, using joy and pain alike, You bring to fruition your plan for my life.  I can barely comprehend it all, but I’m entering 2015 at rest, with my soul at peace.  amen.  

Friends, in December of 2006, I was working daily from a cubicle on the fourth floor at Unum as a Disability Benefits Specialist.  My sweet Isaac was 6 months old, and though he and Emily were in excellent care at their Grandmama’s house, most days I sat at my desk with a heavy, heavy longing in my heart to be at home.

The song, “I’ll be home for Christmas” seemed extraordinarily torturous to me that year.  At that time, I had no idea that God was about to perform a miracle and within the next few months I would indeed be home with my babies for good. I can’t look back at that time in my life without remembering some of the graces the Heavenly Father provided to me, which lightened my spirits and gave hope.

One of my favorite memories happened a few days before Christmas. My boss, Nicky Davis, brought cookies to work to share with our team.  It seems like it was yesterday, even though it actually was seven and a half years ago.  I can’t forget how that warm spicy cookie and it’s cool creamy frosting tasted the first time it crossed my lips.  Don’t ask how many I ate that day, but they warmed my heart. She wrote out the recipe for me because I loved it so much.  And I’ve made them every year since.    When I do, I’m reminded to never underestimate just how much a tiny sweet morsel might mean; even the smallest gestures matter.

With a hearty dose of good cheer, I offer you this lovely cookie recipe!

Eggnog Cookies

Cookie Ingredients:

1 c butter
3/4 cup sugar
1 egg
2 tsp vanilla
2 tsp rum extract
2 cups flour (sifted)
2 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt

Instructions:  Cream butter and sugar til fluffy. Add egg, vanilla and rum extracts and mix well. Combine flour nutmeg, salt and add to creamed mixture. Chill well. Allow 1 tbsp dough for each cookie, shape into balls. Bake on ungreased sheet in a preheated 350 degree oven – 12-15 minutes. cool.

a tiny bit of advice:  The more nutmeg you use, the warmer the cookie will seem.  And the more rum you use in the frosting, the cooler it will be on your tongue! The combination is almost divine!

Frosting Ingredients:

1/4 c butter
2 1/2 c confectioners sugar
1 tsp rum ex
1/2 tsp vanilla ex
3 Tbsp milk sprinkle of nutmeg.

Instructions: Beat together butter & sugar. add milk and flavoring. Spread gently on cooled cookies. Mmmmmm – they are warm and cool in your mouth all at the same time! Perfectly paired with a cup of hot cocoa!  Enjoy!

I have a confession.  You’re probably going to think I’m terrible when I tell you.

There is a particular kind of Christmas cookie I make – it is called a Gingerbread White Chocolate Chunk Blondie.   It is one of our favorites around here.  But, they are not pretty at all.  non-descript.   no decorations.   no festive colors.  just brown.

Here’s the “terrible” part.  I make them when we go to events and need to take goodies.  Do you know why?  Because everyone passes them over, for the mint brownies or the brightly frosted sugar cookies.  No one wants a plain old brown square.   Do you know what that means?  I bring a full container of our favorite Christmas treats home for us to eat.

It is a dirty dirty trick, and I know it.

So, this went down yesterday:  We went to our co-op Christmas party, armed with the Gingerbread Blondies in question, and brought them right back home.  And I’m delighted, because I get to eat one with my coffee in my favorite mug – it is the perfect breakfast.

Except for the guilt I feel.

To assuage my guilt, I decided I should share the recipe.  Most people don’t give it a second look – because they don’t realize how moist and soft and fabulous they are.  Everyone who actually tries them agrees – they ARE WONDERFUL.  (I wouldn’t lie to you about this, I promise.  I may be a sneaky baker, but I’m not a liar.)

I found this recipe on Martha Stewart’s website many years ago.  And over the years, thru all of the busyness of the holidays, and all of the distraction of new recipes,  this is one Christmas cookie I never forget to make.    And it make me feel a lot better if you’d make them (for yourself) too!    Merry Christmas!

Gingerbread White Chocolate Chunk Blondies

Ingredients

• Vegetable-oil cooking spray 
• 2 3/4 cups plus 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour 
• 1 1/4 teaspoons baking soda 
• 1 1/4 teaspoons salt 
• 1 1/4 teaspoons ground cinnamon 
• 1 teaspoon ground ginger 
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves 
• 2 1/2 sticks (20 tablespoons) unsalted butter, room temperature 
• 1 1/4 cups packed light-brown sugar 
• 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons granulated sugar 
• 2 large eggs, plus 1 large egg yolk 
• 1 1/4 teaspoons pure vanilla extract 
• 1/3 cup unsulfured molasses 
• 10 ounces white chocolate, coarsely chopped

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Coat a 17-by-12-inch rimmed baking sheet with cooking spray. Line bottom with parchment cut to fit, and coat parchment. Whisk together flour, baking soda, salt, and spices.
2. Beat butter and brown and granulated sugars with a mixer on medium-high speed until pale and fluffy. Add eggs and yolk, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition and scraping down sides of bowl as needed. Beat in vanilla and molasses. Reduce speed to low. Gradually add flour mixture, and beat until just combined. Stir in white chocolate.
3. Spread batter into prepared pan. Bake until edges are golden, about 25 minutes. Let cool completely in pan on a wire rack. Cut into 2-inch squares or desired shape.

When I go for a run, it is always at a park near my house.  There’s a path that loops the outskirts of the park, and I know how long it is, so it makes my training fairly simple.

I find it interesting to frequent the same running spot because I see a lot of the same people again and again.  I feel like I’m getting to know them. There’s a female runner who is training, time to time gaining speed- she’s much, much faster than me.  Sometimes there is an older couple out walking, the wife limping with a full leg brace, recovering from an orthopedic type surgery- her gait is improving all the time.  I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a drug deal or two between two boys on bicycles.  Often there’s the daughter-dad pair playing basketball.

And then there’s one particular woman.

She’s been at the park, sitting in her car, every time I have run for the past four weeks.  I’m pretty sure she lives in her Ford Focus, the back passenger window opening covered with plastic and duct tape.   More than once at dusk, I’ve watched her carry her bag to the bathroom, towards the back of the park.  I’m guessing she freshens up there.  While I ran today, I tried to conceive a plan where I left her a WalMart gift card taped to the bathroom mirror.  But, I’m not sure how to pull that off.

I think of her pretty regularly and wonder how she got into this predicament. Is there anyone to help her?  Is she hoping to find a home, not on wheels, soon?  I question if I should find a way to help her…

This morning at church we lit the first candle of advent.  We sang and rejoiced with songs of a coming Savior.  And the light of that candle reminded me of something really important.

All of the heartache and struggles of life are eclipsed by Hope in Christ.   No matter what the difficulty is, or disaster or material lack – there is one thing certain that remains:  Just as He promised Israel He would come the first time, Jesus has promised to return to us again.  And when He does He will redeem every single thing that has gone wrong.  Every injustice, every pain, every mistake – all will be made right.  When that happens all who believe in Him will be at home with Him for eternity.

This knowledge, this very hope is the answer to my questions about the homeless woman, even though I don’t really know her. I’m hoping I’ll figure out a way to share His love (and some other necessities too) with her, in case she hasn’t heard.   And I’m hoping to do it soon, so that she knows, no matter what’s happening  here and now,  there’s a Rescuer coming!  and He’s got the perfect home waiting for her.

 

From John 14: In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also…

Tonight I made something that I’ve never made for Thanksgiving before.   Sweet and spicy cashews.   They are terribly addictive – you can’t just eat a couple.    The thing is, Thanksgiving is a time for waiting on the turkey to finish – and I always need something to munch on.  (surely, I’m not the only one?)  So, I thought  these nuts would be the perfect snack for our “pre-turkey” time.

My sister’s neighbor, Marty, gave me the recipe ( I think Marty got it from the Barefoot Contessa.)   – And now I’m sharing it with you because everyone needs these as a part of their holiday celebrations!

Sweet and Spicy Cashews

ingredients:

1lb unsalted, roasted cashews
1 tbsp  minced fresh rosemary
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
2 tbsp light brown sugar
1 tbsp kosher salt
1 tbsp butter, melted.

instructions:

Spread the cashews out on a sheet pan. Toast cashews in the oven until warm, about 5 minutes – on 350.

In a large bowl, combine all of the ingredients but the cashews.  Then, thoroughly toss the cashews with the rosemary mixture.  They are yummy when served right away, warm.  But, they are also good served after drying on a sheet pan for a bit, or the next day.

Enjoy!  and Happy Thanksgiving!

I don’t think I can convey to you just how much I’ve wanted to think about something else.

Why spend time contemplating a situation that is out of my control? After all, isn’t that hopeless?  and completely without merit?  

Anger and frustration are engulfing Ferguson, Missouri with rioting and violence.  It is accurate to say I can’t control that situation.   My gut instinct is to stick my head in the sand.  I want to say the problem isn’t mine.  I’m good at that.   Give me a few minutes and I’ll have more excuses, I promise.

However, over the last couple of days, I’ve been drawn to pray.  Not just for the souls of men, and not just for Jesus to have mercy on all of us, though my heart longs for those things.  Honestly, I’ve been praying for the Holy spirit to change my heart and mind ; to reveal my wrong thoughts and actions.

It is easy to say I’ve done nothing wrong, all the while not doing what is right…

Here’s what God’s Word says is good:

Micah 6:8

He has shown you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?

I’m not foolish enough to believe I can do this on my own.  I know I need the power of the Holy spirit to do what He requires.  And I also know that we live in a fallen world, where sin abounds, and that we will never see the fullness of true justice until King Jesus returns.

But, in the meantime He promises to be our help and our hope in our need.  So, I ask Him:

Dear Heavenly Father, With the wisdom and strength you provide,  let me see people, not a skin color.  Give grace so that I’m able to acknowledge others for who they are – people loved by their Creator.  Help me to live in humility, not looking down on those different than me.   amen.