Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!

Heir of salvation, purchase of God,

Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,

Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;

Angels, descending, bring from above

Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

This week has been unusual.  I’ve spent significant time with my very ill friend, at the hospital, while she fights to gain her life back.  She is the most tenacious and brave woman I know.  I watch her, sitting at her bedside in the hospital room.

we wait.

Her situation is unique because she has been waiting for quite some time.  More than ten years she has been hoping and praying for God’s healing hand to touch her.  All of us who have been on this journey with her have prayed.  Time and again we beg and plead on her behalf.

And we wait.

This week I became weary.  As my sweet friend struggled,  I was not so hearty in the fight on her behalf.  I had some serious, one-sided discussions with my Heavenly Father where I told Him exactly what I thought.  I’ll give you the low-down and spare you the details because they are dark and ugly, revealing my sinful heart.  It went something like this:   “This is not fair.  Its not right that You are allowing this to happen to her while I have my “peachy-keen” life.  I thought you loved us all equally.  The way you are treating her is just not right!   Why are you doing this? ” And I demanded answers as though I had the right.  Like I said, it was ugly.

And I’ve been waiting.

This morning, He met me in my waiting room, where I have been accusing Him and He whispered, applying truth to my heart.  Ever since the fall in the garden mankind has been waiting for victory in the struggle.  Jesus came to die and rise again so that death and sin would be defeated.  He completed the work so that we would be rescued from everlasting death.  And when His days on earth were finished, He ascended to Heaven, promising to return and completely redeem the earth. That was several thousand years ago.  Since then, people the world over have endured pain and agony in different shapes and forms.  Often it is unbearable, the heart break is devastating.

The whole earth is waiting.

It seems as though forever has passed and we are still in wait for my friend’s healing.  Compared to most she has been ill a very long time.  I can’t even begin to tell you that I can relate to her situation or how she feels about it – I have no idea what it is like to suffer.  none.    But, there is coming a day when the wait will be over. Literally time will be no more.  I have a hard time comprehending this but, when eternity arrives, ten years will be like a teeny tiny drop in the bucket of forever.  My dear friend will be healthy and vivacious just like always but even a million times better, and she will spend  all of eternity, with our Healer and Savior, completely restored.

This life is just a waiting room that someday will be a vague memory.  It does not mean I shouldn’t feel compassion for those who are suffering here and now.  On the contrary – the only way I know how to continue with any peace at all is because of the future He offers, one void of pain and suffering; this is the gift He gives to all who believe on Him.   While we wait and hope for healing here in this life – there is a calming, soothing relief that abides in my soul knowing that there is an eternal life absolutely worth waiting for.

and so we wait.

from Psalm 130:

⁵ I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,  And in His word I do hope.

⁶ My soul waits for the Lord, More than those who watch for the morning— Yes, more than those who watch for the morning.

⁷ O Israel, hope in the LORD;  For with the LORD there is mercy,  And with Him is abundant redemption.

*********************************************************************************************************

There is a hymn that we sing at our church that really seems to fit – I’ve been singing it in my waiting room this week…

Hymn For All The World

There is no place in all the world You do not call Your own.
Creator of all peoples every, nation every tongue.
From every corner of the earth, boundless is Your reign.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, hear us sing Your praise.

We Your people call to You, asking for Your help.
God be merciful to those whose pain we’ve never felt.
Give them rest from worldly sorrow,
Bless them Lord with food to eat.
We ask You, Gentle Shepherd call,
The ones that are Your sheep.

All seeing Lord now look to those in city and in field,
Who seek to spread Your fame and love,
this broken world to heal.
See Your persecuted children, soothe their violent wounds.
In their weakness be their strength, that they might hope in You.

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, may Your kingdom come
In all the earth as it is in heaven, may Your will be done.
In all the world in all our hearts, Jesus You are King.
We wait, we hope, we trust, we know,
Your face we soon shall see.

This is not my normal kind of post.  I’m spending a lot of time at the hospital with my friend who is fighting for her life.  Amid the struggle there is another battle going on – it is conflict in my own heart.  There is nothing more difficult than believing that God is good while sitting with my friend while she is suffering.  I am unable to make her comfortable.  I have no power on my own to help her recover.

And so, amid the raging war in my own heart, I am trying to sing this song – believing in His mercy flowing through that hospital room.  I am of no help to my sweet friend this morning if my heart is not tightly bound to His.  Let healing come by the lips of praying believers singing His loud praises.  amen.

“Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing”

Come Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of God’s unchanging love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Hither by Thy help I’m come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

I grew up a Sparky.   You’re probably wondering…  What in the world is a Sparky?  Well, I’ll tell you.  It is the kindergarten level of a children’s Bible club called AWANA.    Every Wednesday night, I went and learned Scripture verses, memorized the books of the Bible, heard Bible stories and played some pretty intense rounds of tug-of-war.  I was a pastor’s kid.  It was the thing to do.

It was there that I learned the importance of Scripture memory.  We learned verses upon verses and quoted them to our teachers.  I followed the plan; I had the little red vest, the crown pins and sparkling jewels to show for it.  Yep.  I stored up quite a bit in that little head of mine.

It’s too bad I’ve forgotten.

Over time, the verses have dwindled in my memory.  Bits and pieces come back now and then, but often I have to search and search to find them in the far back corners of my brain.  And worse, in some ways I’ve dismissed how important it is to have those Words in a secure place…

Well, I was reminded recently.   I was hungry, looking for true nourishment.  I’d read portions of Scripture in the morning, but by mid day there I was, famished trying to fight the hunger pangs.  And, unfortunately when I was unable to recall the earlier readings, I’d start searching for the junk food instead to satisfy.  But television shows, good books or even conversations with friends don’t supply daily sustenance the way that He can.  I was desperate to live more fully, with more strength.  So,  I prayed and asked God to help me fill the void somehow.

And, as He so gently does, He whispered to my heart, “You’re not consuming enough of me.”

“Oh…. But, I’m reading, I’m praying, I’m thinking about You…”

“It is not enough.  You need to take My Words to heart so that they become food for your soul, so that You don’t forget them.”

My son, do not forget my law,

But let your heart keep my commands;
² For length of days and long life
And peace they will add to you.
³ Let not mercy and truth forsake you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart,
⁴ And so find favor and high esteem
In the sight of God and man.
⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct^[a] your paths.  (Proverbs 3:1-6)

I’ve thought about this conversation I had with Him a lot.  A lot.  It happens that I really have been considering Scripture memory childish.  It is something you do at Sunday School, or Bible clubs, or Vacation Bible School.  But, the truth is, I need to do it now more than ever.  If I’m going to survive and grow in wisdom and grace, I will have to devour His Word, and savor it in my heart and mind.   Then God’s Word, thoroughly nourishing, will keep me vital and alive.  This truly is Soul Food.

These words from Psalm 119 are my prayer tonight:

¹⁰ With my whole heart I have sought You;
Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!
¹¹ Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.
¹² Blessed are You, O LORD!
Teach me Your statutes.
¹³ With my lips I have declared
All the judgments of Your mouth.
¹⁴ I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies,
As much as in all riches.
¹⁵ I will meditate on Your precepts,
And contemplate Your ways.
¹⁶ I will delight myself in Your statutes;
I will not forget Your word.

Well, Here’s the big news!  I’m making a big leap of faith, and I’m hoping maybe a few of you will join me!  I’ve added a new page to the daily portion blog called “Soul Food.”   There I will outline my Scripture memory work. It isn’t anything spectacular – nothing terribly rigorous.  I am going to do a few verses a week, starting with James chapter one.  If you are hungry too, I would love it if you would “chew” on these passages with me, long enough that they become a part of us – sharing a meal of some “Soul Food” together….

You can check out the new “Soul Food” page by clicking on it’s tab next to the “mini portion” tab.

They say that confession is good for the soul.  But, if it is all the same to you I hope we can keep this blog post just between us friends, okay?

I remember one of the first times I was offered an attitude adjustment.  I was little, maybe four… my dad was the one offering.  If my memory serves me correctly I had bitten my sister when we were fighting over something.  My dad, was preparing to spank me, in hopes of moving my heart and change my future behavior.  My heart was dark and sinful, I needed help seeing the light.

I’ve been given similar attitude adjustments all along the way in my life, but none like yesterday.  Nope.  Not even close.

It all began a few months ago.  Michael and I walked through the open house of a beautiful new house on the south side of Chattanooga.  We fell in love with it and immediately began thinking about selling our house and purchasing a new one.  But, after a meeting with our real estate agent, and a lot of thinking and praying, my husband wisely made the decision to wait one more year before we sell and move.  The reasons are many, but we both feel that this is what God wants.  And, the house we loved is now owned by someone else.

In the meantime, I have been making a mountain.  It is a huge gathering of reasons why I don’t like my house anymore.  It is too small, not enough bedrooms, I don’t have enough space in my kitchen, my home schooling nook is too crowded… the list goes on and on – reasons upon reasons piled high.  All helping me mount the case that I want something, that I “need” something different.

A few weeks ago my mom gave me a book… about receiving everything in life as a gift from God.  All is His grace. And, I’ve been believing it.  Or so I thought.  I’m so good at fooling myself.  As I’ve read through the book, I’ve been telling myself that I’m grateful for this house.  yep.

But, yesterday my startling attitude adjustment came when I realized this:  I am not truly being thankful if I say thank you, but turn my head to look elsewhere. Being grateful means I don’t have expectations of “better” or “different.”   From now on I need to meet Him here on a daily basis, with a thankful heart for this home, which continues to be His grace given to us.  And, if in time He takes pleasure in giving us something different, that will be His miraculous gift given to us.  For now, I will have to choose to live in the moment, thankful for this place.

When this understanding came flooding over me, in the quiet of my living room, the tears came, which turned to sobs.  The conviction was so strong, realizing my heart was so dark and sinful.  ungrateful. selfish.  greedy.    As the moments passed, I felt my attitude adjustment complete, my large pile of “reasons” swept away.  Joy in the knowledge of His goodness filled the void.  And my heart was changed.

Today I am so thankful for this place we call home.  And I am even more thankful for a good and gracious Heavenly Father who continually works, drawing me closer to Himself. It is more than I deserve, but the adjustment is always just what I need.

from Psalm 107:

⁸ Oh, that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness,
         And for His wonderful works to the children of men!
 ⁹ For He satisfies the longing soul,
         And fills the hungry soul with goodness. 

Today I did something I haven’t done before.  Something I didn’t think I’d try to accomplish on my own. The kids really wanted to go, so I consented.  I gave in to the begging and I took all three kids swimming.  by myself.  I did the “single parent” thing at the pool.  alone.

Now, lets review, shall we?  Okay, it is me, alone,  at a pool with a nine year old who is fine in the water on her own, a five year old who needs constant attention and a two year old who clings to me like an octopus with 8 legs.  My sister in law has tried it before with her three kids – she refers to it as a “controlled drowning”.

Yep.  That was me tonight – almost under but not quite.

We survived.  And, by God’s grace another family who we are friends with was there and the mom helped me out.  She held my two year old while my five year old jumped in to me.  And she caught my five year old when I could not get my two year old to un-suction herself from my hip.  All in all we survived and I do believe everyone will sleep well tonight.

My evening is really a picture of my whole week.  Almost under but not quite. Treading water fairly well, but barely catching my breath other times.  Little things popping up, surprising me, catching me off guard… it all adds up and I’ve found myself weighed down, trying to stay afloat.

But earlier today, in a few quiet moments with the Lord, I found myself calling out, “Throw me a line!”  My heart was desperate.  And of course, He was ready and able to rescue me.  I read the words from 1Chronicles ; it is a song that David sang when he had been delivered.

⁸ Oh, give thanks to the LORD!
Call upon His name;
Make known His deeds among the peoples!

⁹ Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him;
Talk of all His wondrous works!

¹⁰ Glory in His holy name;
Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD!

¹¹ Seek the LORD and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!

¹² Remember His marvelous works which He has done,
His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth,

¹³ O seed of Israel His servant,
You children of Jacob, His chosen ones!

¹⁴ He is the LORD our God;
His judgments are in all the earth.

When I hear this song and recall His faithfulness, my heart is lifted and I find the help I need.  There is nothing more buoyant for my drowning soul than the combination of His goodness and my gratefulness…

Thank you Heavenly Father for continuing the rescue effort on my heart and soul.  You are for too good to me, giving me hope and peace when I need them the most.  amen.

Just after the 2:00-ish recess each day in Miss Caldwell’s third and forth grade class, I sat at my desk and listened while she read aloud.  I’m sure Miss Caldwell read through a lot of literature that year.  But, there is one book that stands out in my memory.  My third grade teacher read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe to us, while she passed around  fruity, chewy gum drops for us to eat.

You could earn more than one gum drop with proper behavior and well – spelled words, I think.  My memory may be off on that count.  At any rate, I remember sitting, listening intently.   To this day it is a favorite book of mine, which is why I’m reading it with Emily right now.  It is whimsical and completely serious all at the same time.

Tonight Emily begged me to keep reading, (just as we used to beg Miss Caldwell to do) “read more! read more!”  We were nearing the final chapters; amid the chatter of my two year old and the interruptions of my five year old, an intensity had settled around our shoulders, there in the dining room.  I couldn’t do anything but keep going.

As an eight year old, I don’t recall noticing the spiritual implications of the story.  Edmund, the betrayer is forgiven by Aslan, who then gives his life in place of Edmunds, to satisfy the White Witch’s demands for blood.  My reading became choked this evening, my eyes teared up, as we continued through the chapter.

When the great table cracked in half, and Aslan appeared resurrected, I had done all I could do.  I set my book down and looked Emily in the face.   I took a moment and we talked about how Edmund in his betrayal is a picture of us and our sin, and Aslan is the picture of Jesus who has died for our sins.  Tears were welling up in both of our eyes…   At nine, she gets it.

I am a betrayer, just like Edmund.  I can’t erase the thought from my brain, no matter how hard I try…

Ephesians 2 is one of my favorite chapters, helping me to remember more of my story:

 And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, ² in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, ³ among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others.
⁴ But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us,⁵ even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), ⁶ and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, ⁷ that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

Jesus willingly offered Himself as a sacrifice for my sin and has forgiven it all.   He has made the provision to reconcile all wrongs and make them right.  I have known this fact almost my entire life and still I don’t totally understand it.  Yet, I am overwhelmed by His gift.  His grace.  His love.

As we read the story tonight, I paused for a moment over one short passage where Aslan is speaking about Edmund; I imagined that Jesus was saying these words about me…

As the others drew nearer Aslan turned to meet them, bringing Edmund with him.   “Here is your brother,” he said, “and – there is no need to talk to him about what is past.”

Heavenly Father,

I am so thankful today for your forgiveness.  It has washed over me once again, flooding my heart, bringing so much joy.   Help me to remember and live here, in this refreshing, life-giving place.  amen.

“For there is nothing lost, but may be found, if sought… ”

She stood there, in the heat of the afternoon, at the corner of a busy intersection near Wal Mart.  I watched her briefly from my air-conditioned car.  Hair pulled back, shirt damp, backpack resting at her feet.  Her sign said, “broke, need food, anything helps.”  I couldn’t look too closely without my heart aching for this lost soul.  She was someone’s daughter.  At some point in her life she belonged to someone, belonged somewhere.

How did she end up here?  Is someone searching for her now?

Those are questions that went through my mind as I waited for the light to change.  I don’t know her personal situation, but I’m sure it is similar to mine.  Okay, I wasn’t literally out on the corner near the Wal Mart. Thankfully, no.  But the road I chose, many years ago, led me far from home.  I had wandered off for a while and found myself wondering, “How did I end up here?”

I’ve thought about that young girl on the corner  many times today.  Wondering, will she be found?  Will He find her?  and there is no possible way that I can know the answers.  But I’ll tell you what I do know.

I’ve been found…

from John, the parable of the lost sheep…

¹⁰ “Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven. ¹¹For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost.
¹² “What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? ¹³ And if he should find it, assuredly, I say to you, he rejoices more over that sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray. ¹⁴ Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixèd mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I heard these words this afternoon while I was working out on my elliptical machine.  Yep.  I was working out and watching Sense and Sensibility.  It is hard to imagine, but this movie keeps me moving and the time flying.  But I always have to stop and take in sonnet 116 when Marianne reads it out loud.

My heart fluttered.  Not from the workout. She finished reading, and I kept on moving, invigorated.  Why?  I know I am loved.  It is still astonishing to me, how well my husband loves me.  Through thick and thin.

Particularly, my thick and thin- which is why I was on the elliptical in the first place.  I have had three children now, and recently decided it was time.  Time to get rid of the extra pounds.  Time to get back in shape and try to keep up with my family.  But, my decision was not out of fear of judgement or ridicule.  No, my husband has loved me in spite of it all.  I have given plenty of reasons for him to change his mind, I assure you.  But, his love for me seems to be an ever-fixed mark. It is an earthly love, imperfect in some ways, but similar to the description in the sonnet…

If I think about the poetry by Shakespeare for long, I am reminded that it is a picture of God’s love.  A heavenly, perfect love.  It is unchanging over time.  It cannot be shaken mid storms; it cannot be removed.  His love cannot fail.  All are amazing, but true statements.

love, described in Song of Solomon 8:

⁶ Set me as a seal upon your heart,
As a seal upon your arm;
For love isas strong as death,
Jealousy as cruel as the grave;
Its flames are flames of fire,
A most vehement flame.
⁷ Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it.

This love that is unquenchable, is hard to understand.  It is difficult to comprehend, until the knowledge is mixed with experience. It seems I find myself at the edge of the vast ocean of His love with just my fingertips dipped in. But, it is here, on the brink that I am coming to know this love.  It is the love of a Heavenly Father who loves regardless of my actions, who forgives again and again and continually draws me to Himself.

my heart flutters again.

Literally. This quick notice is for my friends and family who read regularly…  I wanted you to know that I will be attending a practicum this week to prepare for the coming 2011-2012 school year.  Why is this important?  Well, I have a feeling my brain will be very full… of lots of school “stuff.”  It is very likely that I will actually be inspired to write quite a bit, but may not have time to get it all edited and loaded up here. So, I have decided to revisit some of my old posts about child-rearing and home education this week and I will also update the mini portion as I normally do.   And, I will change out the photos over the course of the week just for fun!

If I haven’t told you personally, thank you for reading.  Thank you for encouraging me on my blogging journey, whether its through comments, or personal emails – it really means a lot to me.  May He be your portion this week and always.

Melody