It came time to get in the car, but I didn’t want to go.  I had been planning, my suitcase was packed, I was ready. Things at the house were prepared for my little family staying behind.  Clean clothes in the dresser drawers, a refrigerator full of food and ready to eat, things put away in their place and easy to find. Yes.  Everything was ready.

Truth is, I needed to go.  I was headed to a home school convention in Atlanta, meeting up with my sister in law, to get our plans finished up for the coming school year.  Its what we do every spring and I always enjoy it.  There are books everywhere to pick up and  review.  And there are consultants available for advice about particular curriculum.

But… There is always a tiny piece of me that hates to leave for several reasons.  Michael had taken a day off to spend with the kids while I was away and, well, I hate to miss out on anything fun.  I also worry about my kiddos missing me or needing me while I’m away.  However neither of those were my problem early Friday morning.  It seemed I was dreading coming home.  I’ll explain…

When a housewife and mom, like myself, spends so much time preparing the house to be ready to leave, its difficult to think about coming home to find that house  in disarray.  Now don’t get me wrong…  My husband does the very best job of any man I know keeping the kids on his own.  Everyone is fed, gets naps, is clothed, even bathed and in bed fairly close to time.  And the kids have a wonderful time.  But there is a blow to our home that requires house keeping to resume immediately when I get home.  and that is my least favorite part about it all…

Well all of these thoughts got me to wondering when I was driving alone in my car to Atlanta in the early hours of Friday morning.  I wonder if this is how my Heavenly Father feels.  Have I neglected the redemptive work He’s called me to, leaving such a mess that He would not feel welcomed to return? Is it possible that  maybe He doesn’t want to come back?

I feel confident I’ve made ruins of some things…  it seems, at times, like the life I have lived has been less than worthy of His return.

As my weekend progressed and I was away from my children, my heart grew stronger in its affection.  The longer I was in Atlanta, the more I wanted to be in Chattanooga with my favorite little ones and my sweet husband.  It did not matter if my house was disheveled, if there were dirty socks on the floor or dishes in the sink.  I just wanted to feel their little arms around my neck and hear their voices call out, “Mama!”   The drive home couldn’t go quickly enough.  I needed to be with my family.

And so it is with my Heavenly Father.  He longs to fully redeem the earth that He has created, and He desires to be with me and each of His children, knowing full well the mess that has been created.  When the time is right He promised to return.  Does anyone know when that will be?  No.  Am I relieved of the responsibility of living rightly before Him? well, no.  But, am I holding Him back?  I don’t think so.   The times and seasons are His alone to know.

John 14:1-4 says this:

¹ “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God^[a]; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? ³ And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. ⁴ You know the way to the place where I am going.”

This is what I do know : Some day He will return, because of His great love, not because of what we have done. He loves us with a divine, unquenchable, unsearchable love.  And, He will be back soon so that we can be with Him…

******************

One of my favorite songs, a reminder of His great love.

How He Loves Us… (by Kim Walker)

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me

And oh, how he loves us so,
Oh how he loves us, how he loves us so

He loves us, Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us, Oh how he loves

We are his portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking
So, heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us, Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us, Oh how he loves.

Not long ago my husband and I altered our life’s path. Emily was 5. We had to make a decision about how to embark on her education. It was at that time that we knew we wanted to entwine our family values and beliefs with her education. For us that meant one thing. Home schooling.

Emily began second grade this fall. As the school year was approaching, my husband and I had a time of evaluation. How did we want our daughter to progress this year? And what did we envision for her long-term. I talked about science and math, reading and language arts. Then Michael told me, “I would like for her to be a little Jesus.”

It took some time for me to wrap my brain around what that meant. I realized it was about fruit. yes, big, fat, juicy fruits. Scripture talks about fruit and is very clear – people will know us as believers by seeing our fruit.

Well, I decided to survey my own garden. My daughter would be looking at my fruit, as she began to grow her own. As I walked through the orchard of my own heart I saw some large beautiful fruit, lovely and tasty. But as I searched through my garden I found that something was missing. Apparently I had chopped my patience tree down altogether. It probably wasn’t growing its fruit quickly enough.

I had secretly known this was a problem – my patience had grown thin over the previous school year. I was unable to allow my children the luxury of their own timing. Things needed to be done quickly and on a tight schedule. I was anxious, maybe even irritable if my children did not do things within my time frame.

My green thumb has never been that great. I talked to God about it, since He is the one who makes all things grow. I told him I couldn’t seem to get my patience to grow or bloom. And He said to me, “Melody, I am the gardener of your soul. You cannot grow this fruit alone – it is the Holy Spirit in you that will produce it.” I asked Him to try planting the seeds of patience in my heart again, I thought my heart was fertile soil. He asked, “You know this will take time, it will not be on your schedule? I may have to dig out some weeds, I may have to do some pruning. It might be painful…”

I knew it was the beginning of a new journey. As He began this process of raising up new fruit in my heart, I would have to rely on Him. I was his garden. And, while I need to be faithful, I also need to let Him grow these fruits in my daughter’s heart too. He is the master gardener of our souls.

There are so many Scriptures about fruit, about God’s work in our lives – they keep sprouting up in my mind. But this one encourages my heart today in a deeply rooted kind of way. It has taken hold and will not be ‘dug up’ – Ephesians 1:11-12 ” In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.” Regardless of the state of my green thumb, He promises this: He will work in my garden and my daughters – and all believers. In order to bring glory to Himself, His fruit will grow to be big, fat and juicy in our hearts.

Our family orchard has been planted. Some of the trees are older, producing large vibrant fruit. Some are small tiny saplings that need a bit of time before there will be blossoms. But we take it one day at a time. And we are thankful for each moment that God is at work in our lives.

Philippians 2:13 For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

md

(written November 26, 2009)

My daughter Emily and I began our journey through third grade last week.  She is doing well, so far and we are enjoying the time together.  She is my first born child so its all very new and fresh.  I’ve never had an eight year old before.  I find myself so grateful each day for each little moment.  Even when the spelling words are “too hard” or the subtraction review will “take too long,” we are finding the grace to work through each question.

This morning I realized that Emily will soon be 9.  As we did our math worksheets, one of the questions was 18 – 9.  The answer is, of course, 9.  When she answered that particular question a little alarm went off in my mind… ding ding ding ding ding ding ding….  I had to step away from the table and catch my breath.

I sat down on my  bed and tried to re-do the math in my head.  Surely it can’t be – I’m already almost half way through my time at home with Emily.  Half way through her life spent in our house.  Nine down, nine to go, presuming she goes to college or decides to be independent.   Its almost surreal… certainly unbelievable.  Completely unacceptable.

I am that mom who would love for my children to stay little. I can’t imagine Emily being ready for college, taking care of herself, driving, making her own decisions.  And this is probably the crux of the matter – I am a bit of a control freak.  How can I be sure that she’ll be okay?  What if she’s too far away and I can’t help her?  What if she needs something that I can’t provide?  Of course I know the answer in my head, but its having a hard time making its way to my heart.  I think there’s a big lump in my throat that’s blocking the path…

God will provide for her, He will care for her, His angels will protect her.  And, far better than I ever could, I might add.  But when the reality of letting go inches closer, I have a hard time loosening my grip.

“She’s mine, isn’t she?  I mean, You gave her to me to take care of…didn’t you?”

and He says, “No, no she’s mine.  I have loved her sacrificially more than you are humanly able.  and I        promise I will provide for her and care for her and protect her…

“You promise, right?”  (what a ridiculous question… I am so hard headed)

“I have done all of these things for you, probably more than you will ever know this side of Heaven.               “Trust me, I will do the same for Emily. ”

In the quiet of this moment, I found the sweet relief of trusting Him. He is able to fulfill the plans for my daughter far above my own efforts,  my own ability.   It is here that I can rest.  It is here that my grasp  can begin to lessen, just a bit.

I’m reminded of a song that we sing at church once in a while:

(and I’m including all of the words because these words lift my heart)

“Jesus I am resting, resting In the Joy of what Thou art; I am finding out the greatness Of Thy loving heart.

Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee, And Thy beauty fills my soul, For by Thy transforming power Thou hast made me whole.

Chorus: Jesus, I am resting, resting In the joy of what Thou art; I am finding out the greatness Of Thy loving heart.

O how great Thy loving kindness. Vaster, broader than the sea! O how marvellous Thy goodness, Lavished all on me! Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved, Know Thy certainty of promise, And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus, I behold Thee as Thou art, And Thy love, so pure, so changeless, Satisfies my heart; Satisfies its deepest longings, Meets supplies its every need, Compasseth me round with blessings; Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me, As I work and wait for Thee; Resting ‘neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus, Earth’s dark shadows flee. Brightness of my Father’s glory, Sunshine of my Father’s face, Keep me ever trusting, resting; Fill me with Thy grace.”

Heavenly Father, May I rest in you and your unfailing promises.  At the crossroads of change or uncertainty let me look for you, first.  Thank you for this loving kindness that you daily show to me and my family – it is vaster and broader than the sea.  Though I may grow a bit anxious some times, keep my heart tethered to you with trust.  amen

Our seventh day of third grade finished up beautifully…  I can only hope fourth grade will go so well!