(originally written June 6)

Sand. There is a lot of it at the beach. Typically I love sand – the feel of it between my toes and how it gives my feet the best massage, not to mention how well it exfoliates. The clean up can be messy with three children – even frustrating, but overall it is so worth it.

My children enjoyed playing in the sand with their cousins. They dug holes, built castles and buried each other. Mackenzie mostly just ate the sand, despite my efforts to keep her from it. Sand is a great toy and we loved playing in it. While watching from a distance, I was reminded of something significant.

At one point my son was attempting to dig and build near the water where the waves were sweeping in to shore. Just as he would get a new gully emptied out, the water would crash in and fill it up, or wipe it out altogether. What I found so interesting as I looked on was, he just kept going. He didn’t move his position, but instead he was steadfast and kept digging, all the while the water was undoing all of his work. No matter what he did the outcome was the same.

Sand is shifty – it changes when water comes around. Of course I’m reminded of a story…

Matthew 7:24-27

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

There are many diversions in my life. Most of them are sand. I foolishly try to build my life on them, but in the end they are swept away.

Just when I think I’ve found something worthy to use as a foundation I find it useless, unsteady. A healthy lifestyle seems appropriate, until a young friend who is the picture of health is diagnosed with cancer. My family and my home are an easy place to begin, until I see another family torn apart by sin and divorce. They seem good, but they are really just sand.

The truth is this: the only foundation I can build on with confidence is Jesus Christ. In some ways it is so uncomfortable. I want to construct my life around tangible things, things that this world finds important. But those things that seem so right, are also the very things that can be altered by this world. No matter what I build, or how tightly I try to hold on, it will slip from my grasp in a moment. Only Jesus is a solid foundation.

“On Christ the solid rock I stand,

All other ground is sinking sand,

All other ground is sinking sand.”

I’m sitting here with sweet girl Emily.  She’s resting on the couch after having three teeth extracted by our oral surgeon.  I say “our” because this is her second round of teeth pulling, with more planned in the not-so-distant future, so he is officially “ours.”  At any rate, I am so proud of her; there were no tears or complaining.  She is definitely a brave eight year old.

Just about an hour and a half ago we were sitting in the car, before going into the office for the procedure.  Emily was a little shaky and wanted me to hold her hand as we walked into the building.  Of course I obliged her.  After all, how many more times will she want me to hold her hand in public?

We discussed what was going to happen again – which teeth? how long will it take? and is there root beer at home for when this is over?   I told her as we sat in the waiting room, “You know, this is going to hurt a bit, just like last time, right?  But, I’ll be here when you come out – and it will feel better pretty quick…in a day or two…” my voice sort of drifted off a bit, because it didn’t sound very comforting the way it came out…

As Emily’s mom, I was the one that decided when the appointment would be.  Her dad and I chose to have the procedure done for her own dental good.   Someday it will make the whole situation easier when its time for braces and other dental work she needs to have done.  As she walked down the hall with the nurse to have the teeth pulled, I felt a bit bad – I mean, I was the one choosing this pain for her.  “Easier” didn’t seem so important anymore…

I myself have had teeth pulled – I know how it feels.

And I thought about it for the next forty-five minutes.  God has not promised us a life free of pain.  In fact, there are times that He allows terrible pain because He knows that the outcome will be for our good.   Thinking of how much I love my daughter, and how hard it was to watch her go through this comparatively little pain today, I know it must be hard for the Heavenly Father to allow pain in our lives.

Through personal experience, I also know this: it is in those moments of suffering that I have drawn closer to Him, allowing Him to calm my fears and comfort me during sorrow.  And He is a most kind and gentle care-giver.  He understands and  knows – He has felt the pain that I have felt and knows exactly how to sooth my soul.    This is His promise.

Isaiah 53:4&5 is a loving and significant reminder for me, for days like today and even the most difficult of days:

“Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

With Emily I know the outcome – we are on a path to beautiful and healthy teeth.  In other life-circumstances, even though He knows the outcome, I’m not always able to see how things will turn out here on earth.  But, I do know this:  He loves me. He will walk the road of pain and suffering with me.  While there may be pain along the way,  I can be sure that the Heavenly Father will be a constant companion who is able to bring sweet peace for the journey.

md

Its been TEN Years. I can hardly believe it. I never thought things would work out quite like this. My husband has been an employee of Unum (a long term disability insurance company) for ten years as of February 14, 2010.

I’m forced to think about it today because we celebrated his tenth anniversary at lunch with his co-workers. I remember his first day like it was yesterday. We had only been married a few months when he got the job. As in any marriage, employment is a concern. We had just moved into a new apartment and there were boxes everywhere – it was a bit of an effort trying to find the appropriate “first day of work” outfit amid all of the chaos. We shared a car and I remember dropping him off and watching him disappear through the front doors.

It wasn’t too many years after that, that I had my first day at Unum. I worked there for close to three years. After my time there, I can truly appreciate my husband’s work. He is excellent at what he does. It shouldn’t be shocking, really, because he is very smart and has quite a mind for the kind of critical and analytical thinking that his job requires.

But still, after this many years, his occupation is a surprise. When we married, if you had told me, that even though my husband is an incredibly talented musician, he will work at an insurance company for at least 10 years – I would have laughed. Why would God have Michael work there? My own finite mind can’t understand His ways.

Its still hard for me to comprehend.

As I think back across the span of time today, there is one thing that stands out to me. God provides. Consistently He has sustained our family with Michael’s employment. He has blessed Michael’s hard work and his desire to be a man of integrity in the work place. With every turn of the unusual path, we have seen provision and even promotion that has been from Him.

At a company where lay-offs are not unusual, and with the country’s economic climate being what it is, a job like this can be complicated to hold onto, let alone find again if its lost. God has taken something so unthought of and used it to care for us, but also to show us His power over all earthly things – even the corporate workplace.

“But then I recall all you have done, O LORD; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. They are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works. Psalm 77:11-12”

As the time has passed, there is one thing I have learned. God takes every situation to bring glory to Himself. That fact cannot be questioned – it is obvious in our lives. So it should not be a surprise, really, that God has used the most unlikely place, in the most unlikely way, to bring us to a posture of worship and gratitude.

Heavenly Father, All I can say in return is thank you. I love your kind of surprises! and I love You!

md

My husband is an exceptional musician. He plays guitar, bass and a handful of other instruments. Had we not met and married, I have a feeling he would have been a professional musician in Nashville. His technical skill as well as his natural ability was so intriguing to me when we first met.

As I’ve grown to know and love him over the past 11 years, I have learned a lot. He is a man of integrity. There are things he understands about numbers that I can not grasp. He is a whiz with computers and with our cash flow. I must say he is wise beyond his years. He loves Jesus and he lives it.

There is one thing that is especially important to me about my husband. He is the father of my children. And he excels at it. I have watched him with Emily, Isaac and Mackenzie and they are the love his life. He treats them with loving kindness consistently, just as our heavenly Father treats us. It truly amazes me how good he has been with each of them, from the newborn stage to the present. My children will never be able to say that they did not have a solid tangible example of God’s love in our home.

Not everyone is this blessed. It has been brought to mind so many different ways in particular today. A story on the news tonight, a letter from a family member, a conversation with my close friend in Ohio – all have brought to light different examples of the pain that comes from being fatherless. The emptiness, the searching, the heartache – those without a Father struggle to recover from such devastation.

But God, in His rich mercy has made a promise to us. He will not leave us fatherless. To those who cry out “Abba” to Him, He will not leave them alone. He assures us that He will be a God of comfort and healing to all those who need Him.

His name is the Lord—

rejoice in his presence!

Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—

this is God, whose dwelling is holy.

I have a very special picture of my husband with our two girls on his lap. There they sit; they are almost glowing in his presence, and his eyes are full of a daddy’s love and pride. It is an amazing photo – but it is a Heavenly picture for me.

There is a song that is deep in my heart – I remember it often. Its a song of love from the Heavenly Father. It whispers love to my soul when I need it the most. For all who are without an earthly father – there is a Father. He longs for you to crawl into his lap so that He can look at you with love and pride as only a daddy can. He truly is the lover of our souls…

The Father’s Song –

“I have heard so many songs, listened to a thousand tongues, but there is one that sounds above them all.

The Father’s song, the Father’s love, You’ve sung it over me and for eternity its written on my heart.

Heaven’s perfect melody, the creator’s symphony, now you’re singing over me the Father’s song.

Heaven’s perfect mystery, the king of love has sent for me and now you’re singing over me the father’s song. ”

His love is a song that He will sing to His children for eternity. To hear it, you just have to ask him to sing it to you and he will. May the love of the Father meet you in your need when you call out to Him.

md

(written January 4, 2010)

This morning was similar to most of my mornings. A little snuggle, a little breakfast, a little school. A lot of noise, a lot of playing, hopefully a lot of learning. Em, at her place at the table doing a bit of math – me on the couch with Isaac doing the sticker book.

And I have to say – the sticker book is my favorite to do with my little boy. But, I try to let him pick, and so this morning as he picked the sticker book, we nestled up on the couch in a comfy spot and we began our journey. Plucking a sticker, finding its place and fixing it in just the right spot. He’s actually pretty good at it, but I try to give him positive feedback. Normally he is proud of his work; today his reaction is beyond pride. After each sticker he would exclaim, “I did it!” and he’d throw his arms around my neck with a hug and a kiss. It was a wonderful experience for me. He’s so expressive for a 3 year old boy and as his mommy, I’m learning to soak it all up and save it for later…

Unfortunately, sticker books are not all that I’m responsible for around here! I’m a wife, a mom, a friend, a piano teacher and oh yes – I’m a children’s choir director. One of my favorite things that I am blessed to do is be the children’s choir director at my church. Each little face, each little voice is a wonder to me and I love the fact that their parents allow me to be a part of their lives.

We sing this Sunday in the worship services. Three songs. I’m a bit preoccupied with it and its been taking a bit of time for me to think it through and be prepared. Last week after rehearsal I felt good about it. Now, I’m a bit doubtful, but we press on.

But back to my current reality – I’m looking around my house. Its a bit less than tidy, my laundry hamper is full, even though I thought I had conquered the laundry yesterday – and there are dishes in the sink. No matter how often I sweep, my floors look as though I don’t even own a swiffer… I think about it a bit more and realize I’m going to need to squeeze another hour into my day, but I’m not sure how!

Sometimes, when I have a minute alone I wonder if anyone notices. I mean, I am working hard, aren’t I? There are a lot of times when my house is clean and mt. laundry has receded a bit and my family members have a warm dinner in their tummies. Not to mention, I think my children’s choir is actually going to sound pretty good on Sunday. I look around – I’m thinking inside – “I did it” (I’m trying not to shout it out…) – but there is no one’s cheek to kiss, or neck to hug. I’m sitting by myself on my bed. I need a good solid embrace – but my husband is at work for another couple of hours.

I know HE’s here with me, in theory – but I can’t seem to feel it right now…

There’s a scripture (where else can I turn, really?)- its in one of the later Old Testament books -that comes to mind. I can hear something vaguely in the distance – I think He’s whispering softly to me. What’s that? He says he sings over me! Oh wait, there’s more- he whirls around with delight when he thinks about me! Its a thought full of love that envelopes me and warms me from the inside out. And I need to take a moment for it to do its work in my heart.

And that is the embrace I need for the moment, for doing the house work and for teaching piano lessons, for being a wife and for being a mother. And its for all the people there at church, who will listen and sing with us on sunday. The embrace from my Heavenly Father reminds me of this truth – no matter my efforts I can’t sing to him because of who I am or what I’ve done – but I can sing because of how much He loves me!

“We love Him because He first loved us!”

So if you are at our church on Sunday, and see the children’s choir singing, you will know what I’m really thinking – you’ll see me singing – you might even see a little whirl!

md

(written November 19, 2009)

I had to look away. Emily was looking me in the face. Her dark brown eyes were wide, full of confusion and disappointment. I hadn’t really experienced these emotions with my sweet girl before. A friend had hurt her – this was an anomaly to my daughter – this was her best friend causing her pain and it could not be explained away. There was nothing to be said – I had no comfort for her. And I certainly couldn’t look her in the eyes – I was feeling her pain too deeply to think clearly.

They say that eyes are the window to the soul. That’s what they say anyway. I find that to be very true – especially when I’m looking my loved ones in the face. You can’t miss it, really. The look on my son’s face when he is hurt, bringing me his pain, tears welling around his beautiful eyes. He looks at me as if to say, “why aren’t you making this better?” And all I can possibly do is kiss it.

Or my friend who is admitted to the hospital – her body debilitated- I have lost count she has been there so often… I look on her face and her eyes are lonely. She has spent holidays here away from her family, weeks on weeks over the summer while her darling little daughter takes vacations with someone else. What can be said to my dear friend who battles for her life? She doesn’t even look at me with expectation these days. All I can do is give words of encouragement that come out like stale platitudes.

There is a friend who I don’t see often. We are separated by miles – it might as well be millions. I don’t get to look her in the eye, except in pictures, I suppose. She is a single mom. Her husband past away several years ago and she is left to raise her four children alone. We chat at a distance, over the phone, over email – but never a hug or a shoulder rub. This is the best I have to offer – but it doesn’t change the fact that her road is hard and long.

There are many forms of pain – each of us experience different levels of pain through out our lives. Physical, emotional, mental. For some of us it comes early in life and alters our young perception of the world. How can one continue with living life to the fullest? Some, it happens upon us later in life. One can only wonder if this life has been a cruel joke ending with a sick punch line. In this state, how can life end with grace?

And I don’t really have a whole lot of answers.

My thoughts divert to the eyes of Christ. My heart wants to look to him for answers. I wonder what his eyes were like. More to the point, I mean, what would I have seen in His eyes when he was hanging on the cross. Was there confusion, and angst and pain? As He gave us the largest gift ever known to mankind – was there anything in his eyes beyond misery?

We say it all the time without allowing it to sink in. “He gave His life for us.” But today like a bold epiphany a bright light appears. Its not just this plain generalization in my mind. Its an answer to the question…

“Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.  But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”

Isaiah 53: 4-5.

From the smallest of pains inflicted, to the largest gaping wounds – his death carried out here, on the cross, was for the healing of my afflictions. And not just for me, but for all who need the heavenly father’s touch. Its far better than what I could ever offer to those I hold dear.

Now I know that my Savior, watches from heavenly places, eyes bright with joy and love -He is pleased that my journey continues. And I’m sure of it now more than ever: He loves me. Someday I’ll see it when I look in His eyes, face to face!

md

(written November 18, 2009)