(This morning I was reminded of this blog post from last summer.  I am amazed by what God was teaching me even then, to prepare me for what was ahead.)

Little sister stood alone, staring at the long yellow strip of slippery plastic.  She could not find the strength to step out.

Big sister came along side, “Why don’t you let me help you?” (She was a frequent rider of the bright yellow slide.)

Little sister tiptoed down the runway.

At the end she cried, completely unsure of the accomplishment. “Is that how I was supposed to do it?  Is that it?” The others tried their best to wait patiently.

Eventually she stood at the bottom, waiting for others to plunge by…  Cheering them on, with shouts and claps of joy.  She had already done it – she knew what it was.

And later on she went again, and again, and again.

To me, these are beautiful photographs of my children. But, they also explain some of my own sentiments in life right now.  While walking this journey, sometimes I face unknowns, overwhelming circumstances – and I look around at the end of a trial – and I say to my Heavenly Father, “Was that it?  Did I manage it right?  What was that for?”  Tentative, at best.  I know He was with me; I felt His presence all along – but, I could not claim understanding.

Could it be that later (much, much later) when the time is right, I’ll realize that I’ve been prepared? I’ll be able to come along side a sister and say, “I’ve done this before.  Can I walk this road with you?”  And I’ll stand in full view of fellow travelers on their way cheering and clapping with joy for them because I know what it means to survive.  Because I’m confident He’ll be with them, too.

I don’t have to know.  Just trust His words:

from Romans 8:
²⁸ And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 

(originally written June 24, 2012)

(My three favorite little people, who offer me more Christ-like grace than I ever thought I needed or deserved.  I love them so!)

Saturday morning I woke up in a panic.  There were not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything that had accumulated on my to-do list, and I knew it.  In fact, I knew it so well, that I had worried about it in my sleep.  And when I woke up that morning, my whole body ached from the tension.

I was a wreck.

In my typical fashion, I lay in bed, and tried to pretend that it was no big deal, until Michael woke up. Noticing that I was tied up in knots, he simply asked, “What’s wrong?”

I dissolved into tears.

I tried to explain what was going on.  There was cleaning and laundry, a myriad of errands, grocery shopping, haircuts, preparation for Sunday, cooking and baking for company that was coming into town, and that’s just the stuff that I didn’t cut from the list.  All of the items on this master list had their own individual lists.

I was on the brink of hyperventilating and smearing snot and tears everywhere, when he said, “Give yourself a little grace, here.”

Well, “Of all the nerve!” I thought to myself, “Doesn’t he know? I’m not the type of gal who needs grace!  Not for my house work! I make lists and I get things done. period.”

grace.  It felt like his suggestion was an insult.

The fact of the matter is this:   In many ways I’ve regularly applied His grace to my heart for other needs, but not like this.  Not as a housewife and the keeper of my home.  I’ve always had the “I am woman, hear me roar!” kind of mindset.   But, at this stage in my life and everything it entails, I have to surrender to grace instead of perfection. We all know perfection is a myth anyway, but often I find it hard to rely on His grace as the gift that it is; often I think of it as a cop-out, or a sign of weakness.

Living within the means of His Grace, requires me to acknowledge my inadequacies:  I am weak.  I cannot make it on my own.   I need this all sufficient grace.

But let me tell you about this Scripture from John 1 that has rolled around in my mind all weekend:

¹⁴ And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. ¹⁵ (John bore witness about him, and cried out, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me.’”) ¹⁶ For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.

He came to earth full of this very grace that I need.  When I received Him, in His fullness, I received enough grace for myself, and more to give away to others.  Grace, for strength to accomplish what I normally cannot in my own flesh, but also grace to believe that it is okay when I make a mistake, or things don’t turn out the way I planned.

And Saturday, let me tell you, I needed grace upon grace upon grace.   Many items on my lists were checked off.  But, many more were left undone.  My out of town company had clean towels and good food, but the rest of my laundry did not get done.  My house was tidy, but not spic ‘n span clean.

Do you know what happened?  nothing.  My family survived and continues to love me, in spite of my shortcomings.   I’ve realized it is okay to need grace for this very specific place in my life.  He knew I’d need it, that’s why He came, and why He continues to offer it so freely.

Thank you Heavenly Father, for this life that you given me – that your grace flows through all of the moments of my life, and is always enough.  Let my days be grace-filled days, and remind me as your follower, to offer that same grace to others.  amen.

We hit up the Pumpkin Patch, a favorite local park on Signal Mountain yesterday.  Cousins, Burl and Fern, along with their Mama met us there.  And later, one of Emily’s best friends, who she’s known since she can remember, arrived and played with us too.

A large part of our time at the park was spent on the giant slide.  Climb up the ladder. Go down the slide.  repeat.  one thousand times.

Mackenzie just yelled “Geronimo!” over and over as she came down.  I have no idea where she learned that.

At one point I heard Isaac say, “This is the best time ever at the park.”

Because everyone knows ups and downs are much better with cousins.

In the past few days and weeks I’ve been thinking over some of my relationships.   I used to think that I simply pick my friends and my relationships and that I move through life within that framework – that I was in control, I was the mastermind of my social-emotional-relational life.  After all, Scripture does advise us to choose friends wisely, and to be careful of who is in our company…

But, the truth is every significant relationship in my life has been orchestrated by his hand.  Family members, and friends alike, I can’t really claim as my own doing.    He has given these as beautiful, genuine, sincere gifts to me providentially, lovingly.

for the ups.  and the downs.

I’m grateful for what he’s done for me, and for the gifts I can see He is giving to my children.

It was one of those days.

You know the kind:

where you barely have one moment to yourself, yet you feel completely alone.

oh there’s lots to be done, places to go, people to see, things to do, decisions to make, yet it all feels senseless and stiff.

and there’s a hole that feels inexplicably deep and wide right in the middle of your heart, but nothing on hand to fill it and noone who can sew it up tight…  just emptiness.

Well, maybe you don’t know – it is possible that I’m the only one.

So, as the day was coming to a close, while I was doing the supper dishes and listening to music, the very best possible song came on and lit up my kitchen.  It was as though Abba Father chose to sing this song directly to my heart in a perfectly beautiful and tender tone.  His words to me were  clear, almost like a lullaby a Daddy might whisper to his little daughter; it was so soft and sweet, that all I could do was stand there next to the sink, my hands raised to the Heavens, waiting for His embrace.

And with the words of this song, He reminded me of what I needed to hear most:

“Come To Me”

I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I’m all around you
Though you feel I’m far away, I’m closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know

I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest
Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head
I am with you wherever you go

Come to Me, I’m all you need.
Come to Me, I’m everything
Come to Me, I’m all you need.
Come to Me, I’m your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you, I’m your faithful strength
I am with you wherever you go

Don’t look to the right or to the left but keep your eyes on Me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved ooh
I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Just come to Me, come to Me, cause I’m all that you need

After those few moments with my Father, my heart was prepared for a new day.   The truth is, every time I draw close to Him, I’m reminded that in the middle of my “every day”, He really is all I need.

And it is in that place I find rest.

I watched her from the kitchen window, standing in the backyard, her bow in hand, arrows at her side.  She needed to practice shooting for the state meet.  But she was struggling.  Fear had overcome her and she was frozen in place like a statue, her bow arm extended and shaking until she couldn’t hold her arm up any longer…

fiery arrows, shot directly at her heart. 

I had said everything I knew to say and now it was up to her. No amount of logical statements or encouragement from me was going to work.   She would have to find a way to overcome her fear and doubt and shoot the target the way she was accustomed to doing so well.

Her situation was not lost on me.  In new and unexpected ways I’ve recently experienced my own set of fears.   And God help me, I know what it means to worry.  I understand what it feels like to have that uncontrollable urge to run away and hide, attempting to avoid life altogether.  The way my insides can turn to wobbly jello in two seconds flat, or that large knot in the pit of my stomach; I know it all personally.

In so many ways this is becoming a summer of courage for our family.  It seems each  of us individually are finding ourselves in distress or difficulty, some monumental, some probably inconsequential in the long run, but all of us in need of a protector and rescuer.  Fiery arrows of fear and worry and doubt, hurled at us, can only be quenched and averted one way.  With Scripture ignited in our hearts by the power of the Holy Spirit we can find the life-giving courage for each of our troubles, and the protection that we need, just like Paul describes in Ephesians 6.

¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Fortunately I have come across just the right resource to help us.  Our Seeds Family Worship CD titled, “Seeds of Courage” is refreshing, and it is renewing our spirits.  We have begun learning the first three passages, and we will continue to learn the rest of the verses over the course of the summer. (You can keep up with the Scripture we are learning this Summer on my Soul Food page, here on the blog.)

I can’t tell you how invigorating and empowering it has been to pick up the Sword of the Spirit and use it.   Praise God for the ongoing work He is performing in our hearts and minds.

************************************************************************************************************

I thought I’d share some excellent news with you!  Emily, my sweet girl-archer, was given the gift of courage last weekend and was able to shoot at the 4-H state archery meet.  I believe our prayer and Scripture memory was just what she needed to shoot without fear.  And out of more than 60 jr archers, she received 9th place.  We are rejoicing and celebrating the results of her first archery competition!

Airport kind of Excitement…

Today I was at a home school convention in Atlanta Georgia. It took place, at the convention center, which happens to be just outside of the Atlanta airport. As we were walking in to the conference center, huge, jumbo-sized jets were taking off and landing. I couldn’t help but watch.

In a split second I was eight years old again, standing at the gate waiting for my Great Grandmother, GG, to arrive for her spring visit. And I, just like then, had chills of anticipation and expectation run down my spine. Back then I could hardly stand the suspense.

It struck me today that when I see an airplane, descending to an airport I think of only one scenario. Someone on board is sitting anxious in their seat, hoping to deplane and see a loved one or friend- who is probably (these days) waiting just as impatiently at the baggage claim area while they glance every 5 seconds at the ETA screen to see if the correct plane has landed yet. And when it all comes to fruition the reunion is joy laced with unbelievable excitement. That’s what an airplane looks like to me.

It is enjoyable to be the one waiting, the one hoping for someone’s return. I have been in that situation often in my lifetime. Watching. Anticipating. But this weekend I was not that one. I had the opportunity to get away over night and have a few moments of peace. In my life as it exists now, that does not happen often.

While I packed up my things, and loaded the car, I began to think of my husband and children. Even though I hadn’t been away long, a little bit of emotion began to creep in on me. I was looking forward to seeing them, hoping for a few hugs, maybe even a few shouts of “Mama!”

In my life as a believer, I am waiting – hopeful for the return of our Savior. I am the one looking forward to that day. Never before today have I even given a thought to what it must be like for Jesus, waiting to return to His loved ones. I think often about longing for His return – but today I wonder: is His desire even stronger to come back and be with those he created and loves? Is He just as anxious to be reunited with us, His church?

John 14:1-3 gives us just a bit of insight: “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.”

When I returned this afternoon, I was greeted with hugs and kisses and sincere words of, “Mama we missed you.” It was a precious moment that I would not trade for anything. As much as is humanly possible, I love my children. So I know, that the Heavenly Father, whose love is far beyond such human emotion, will be back just as soon as He can for those of us who love Him. He promised.

Until then, I’ll have to wait, just like I’m at the airport. But with even more of that kind of excitement I say, “Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus!”

(Originally written May 1, 2010)