In my head I know I’m not a rockstar.  Really, I do.  However, last week I got to tag a long with my husband, (who admittedly is not a rock star either) and we spent our days wearing back stage passes, being escorted place to place, relaxing comfortably in VIP rooms, with every need attended to.

My husband got to make music with some really cool friends, on a stage, in front of 16,000 people.  And I couldn’t have been more proud, because they rocked.

What a life.   (*sigh*)

It was an unforgettable week.

Before I get back to reality, I thought I’d share a few photos with you…

 

 

 

and that is all.  Now, I have some unpacking and laundry to do.

(photos taken from our front porch at sunset, just before dark.)

My oldest is afraid of the dark.  She won’t go down the hall to her bedroom, whether day or night, without turning on the light.  Don’t tell her I told you, because I think she might be embarrassed.

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I had this crazy idea that I would read the gospel of John while we were on vacation at the beach a few weeks ago.

And it wasn’t a crazy idea because I didn’t know if I would find time to read.  Oh, I read.

But I got stuck on the very first day.  I read the first five verses and stopped.  I thought.  and I read again. and I repeated that routine for 30 minutes.

Do you know what verse 5 of John chapter 1 says?

The light keeps shining in the dark, and darkness has never put it out. (Contemporary English Version)

The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness;  the darkness couldn’t put it out. (the Message)

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.  (New Living Translation)

And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it. (New King James Version)

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When I was my daughter’s age, I was afraid of the dark.  In fact, I had a nightlight in my room until an embarrassingly late age.

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These days I’ve outgrown my fear of the dark, in a physical sense.  But, sometimes I have a different, more intense fear now.  It’s fear of the dark, darkness that’s caused by sin- a fear of how this world is carrying on – that maybe this thick cloud is going to close in around us.  And worse, I have to admit there’s this fear that creeps in; a fear that the very Light that is shining in my heart, the Holy Spirit himself, more and more is being diminished.

All you have to do is watch the news for roughly five minutes for fears like this to be ignited.  Terrorists bombing.  Predators violating.  Economy failing.  and those fears, they can quickly turn into a roaring flame within moments.  That is, if you don’t know those words from John 1:5.

The darkness can not extinguish the Light.

It can’t.  It won’t.  Ever.

And that same Light, while I was on vacation trying to read the book of John, shone this truth so brightly into my heart that I can’t forget it.   Even this fear of mine has been overcome by the Light, proving the very words of John.

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Heavenly Father,  Thank you for the Words of Life that you have pressed so evidently into my heart in a permanent fashion.  Help me to remember there is no need to fear because You are present in me.   And that I can show my daughter how to live without fear too, trusting in You, our inextinguishable, undefeatable God!  amen

 

This past week I’ve been reminded of the stuff that makes up my life, for which I am immensely grateful.   I confess here, openly and with a bit of shame, that I am mostly, on a day-to-day basis ungrateful.  And, while it is nowhere near November,  my heart declares it Thanksgiving Day, because I need to recall these blessings.

Heavenly Father, I am embarrassed to realize that some of my regular old every day kind of blessings have gone somewhat unnoticed. But, my heart longs to be thankful – and I am not reticent to all of the ways you reminded me last week; for…

my family,

my girls,

and my boys,

belly laughing,

sand digging,

waves crashing,

happy memories

good times,

and last, but certainly not least, the love of this sweet man.

For all of these things, and so, so much more, I give thanks.  amen.

This week I am at the beach with my family.

Waves roll in and out, with a life all their own; no one directing them, but The Maker.  Their work is therapeutic;  thorough and complete…

cleansing the mind and emotions of all who know them.

And, while I’m here at the beach, I’m spending time immersed in the waves of Living Water, letting Him refresh my heart and make me new.

from John 4:7-13

⁷ A woman of Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give Me a drink.” ⁸ For His disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.

⁹ Then the woman of Samaria said to Him, “How is it that You, being a Jew, ask a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?” For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.

¹⁰ Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.”

¹¹ The woman said to Him, “Sir, You have nothing to draw with, and the well is deep. Where then do You get that living water? ¹² Are You greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well, and drank from it himself, as well as his sons and his livestock?”

¹³ Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, ¹⁴ but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”

And I acknowledge this time here, with tides rushing over me, overcoming my senses: this is just what my thirsty, dried up soul needs.  Living Water, do your work in me.

The silence was deafening, probably because of what I’d said.  Our conversation had screeched to a halt, and the voice on the other end of the line was quiet.

My friend, who lives far away, had called to share about something that was going on in her life.  It had become big and powerful and she was hurting.  I had listened carefully.  I really had.  And then I told her what I had recently learned.

Because what good is all this painful, jacked-up stuff, if I don’t learn from it?

My personal discovery had come to pass when I was alone one evening.   I had sequestered myself in my bedroom to get something cleared up, and I wasn’t coming out until I did.  You see, I had a lump.  It was a large, thick knot, resting right in the bottom of my stomach.

It wouldn’t go away,  mostly because I wouldn’t let it.

But after two long weeks of carrying that immense and ugly hunk of worry around, I was worn out. completely exhausted.  And in the moments alone in my room, I heard Him say it…

“Give it here.”

He said it gently but firmly, kind of  like I’d say to one of my children if they had something harmful or dangerous in their hands.

Excuses followed.  “But, I don’t know how this is all gonna turn out.  I have to think it over, and I need to plan for all of the hundreds of scenarios that may or may not happen.  I…”

“Hand it over.  It is not good for you.  I don’t want you to have that.”

Then He quietly whispered promises in my ears and I was reminded of what I needed to know most:

He cares for me.  He is in control.  He is all that I need.  And I have no legitimate worry.  period.

from Matthew 6:

³¹ “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

and from Matthew 11:

²⁸ Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

And He reached in and pulled that knot out, because He doesn’t want me to have that in the pit of my stomach – and He replaced it with these absolutely glorious assurances of provision and rest; promises that I’m unable to live without.

So, that’s what I told my friend, who was in the middle of the struggle, succumbing to that same fear- knot, “You know, He doesn’t want you to have that knot, right? He wants you to give it to Him.”

Each day as I learn to give it all to Him, there is fresh peace and rest for my soul.   And I’m grateful that He is able to remove what I shouldn’t have and replace it with what I need.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for taking away what I shouldn’t have, and replacing it with what I need.  amen.

Well, I realized today that perhaps I left a few folks hanging over the weekend.  And by folks I mean my friends and loved ones who are far away and read my blog to keep up with what’s going on with me.  So sorry about that.

If you don’t need to know, by all means, you don’t need to continue reading this blog post.  I don’t intend to make my blog solely about dealing with illness by any means – but I do want to give a quick shout out to everyone who would like to know.    Seriously, I’m not good at this whole thing.

So what did last Friday’s gift turn out to be?

This was my gift in the mail today:

Last Friday at my appointment, okay wait, let me back up a bit…

Michael and I have been praying for guidance.  Should we ask for further opinions regarding my ongoing treatment?  Was it reasonable to ask my current physician to ask for a referral to a separate practice where they only treat my condition?

This is all very new territory for us and we don’t really know what we’re doing.  When I got to the appointment I had plenty of time to wait and pray.  I felt as though God was preparing my way.  And He was.

Before I had barely begun conversation with my doctor, he suggested that he didn’t really know what my treatment plan should look like, wasn’t terribly familiar with prescription I need to use, or really with my diagnosis, for that matter.  Further, he said that he thought I should proceed with a referral to the clinic at Vanderbilt.  There is a physician there who specifically treats different forms of T-cell Lymphoma.

On July 10th I will go to Vanderbilt for my initial consult and a less ambiguous course of treatment will be put in place.  This is a huge blessing, and we rejoice that He removed from the path what seemed like a complicated obstacle.

In one sense, receiving this package in the mail today was difficult.  Every time we move a step forward with treatment, the diagnosis becomes that much more real in my heart of hearts.  But, this gift that came today, continues to be just that: a gift.  It seems to be an invitation to press in closer and lean harder on my Heavenly Father who is walking this journey with me.  In the midst of my reality, He is good.

If I could say one thing to all of you, who are my friends and loved ones walking this road with me, caring faithfully for me it would be this:  THANK YOU!  If I could hug each of your necks I would!  The prayers you offer on my behalf have become the very peace of my heart and I am so very grateful.   Please, don’t stop!

These words from James 5 are new to me at this time in my life:

¹⁵ And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. ¹⁶ Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  and lots of love to you all.

Melody.

Recently while I was at a home schooling conference, I attended a mind boggling workshop.  The information shared wasn’t so complicated.  It was more the presenter and her own life’s circumstances that shocked me.

She sat in a wheelchair at the front of the room.  Her speech was slightly slurred due to a seizure she’d had earlier in the day.  She didn’t address her own illness, but she did refer to her four children all of whom have severe learning disorders combined with various levels of autism.

Her attitude was innocent and positive.  Her demeanor was relaxed and gentle.  In the middle of her talk she said something that absolutely blew. my. mind.  She said that everyone one of her life’s circumstances were a gift.

say what?

“Every one of life’s circumstances is a gift.  You just have to choose to view it that way.”

Now, I’ll tell you this.  I went into that workshop thinking I had stuff going on, that I had some sort of difficult circumstances in my own life.  It didn’t take long, sitting in that room, listening to this woman speak to realize that my trials were pretty small compared to hers.

Since then I haven’t been able to forget about her and the talk she gave that day.  Truly, each of us have our own struggles and pain.  Life ebbs and flows with trials and mercies.  I, myself right now am dealing with a diagnosis of T-cell lymphoma.  The diagnosis itself has taken me to new places that I’ve never been before; my relationship with the Lord on my part has become more steadfast and constant, less wavering and faulty.  He never waivers or falters in His thoughts towards me.

But never, did I ever consider lymphoma a gift.  Not until she said those words.

However, as I look back at the twelve weeks since I began treatment, I can honestly say that He is doing a work in my heart: the uprooting of my sin and lack of faith; the drawing close in His care and affection for me;  the new-found protection of my heart and mind in the midst of fears and anxieties; a more distinct knowledge of Him and also the ability to share this new strength of heart with others who are disheartened. All of these, plus many more are gifts. They have been carefully selected, by my Heavenly Father, just for me.

Though I’ve said it before, I’ll tell you again, I don’t believe that He created lymphoma.  But, I do believe He has carefully orchestrated, in His sovereignty every moment and event surrounding my own diagnosis.  And I am learning to consider it all a gift.

Today is another portion of that gift to me.  After 12 weeks of treatment, I head back to the doctor’s office to see where things stand.  More treatment?  Another biopsy? A break from treatment?  Through medicine and many prayers of saints, I am also hoping to experience the grace-gift of His healing.  I don’t know what will happen at this appointment, what the next steps will be, or how we will need to proceed.

But, I’m grateful that I will walk through this day today, squeezing the Heavenly Father’s hand tightly and I will receive whatever comes today as a gift.  amen.

Jeremiah 29:11  “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

(photo : Mackenzie, last trip to the pool, summer of 2012)

The sun was shining this afternoon while I stood by the side of the “baby” pool watching my baby girl splash.  My other two, Em and Isaac, were just to my right swimming in the “big” pool, jumping in and diving for their water toys.

Mackenzie had decided she would attempt to empty the baby pool, one pail of water at a time.  She scooped and dumped.  scooped and dumped.  scooped and dumped.  However, it did not seem remarkable to me that the pool’s water was not receding at all.  There were so many gallons, even in the Signal Mountain baby pool, that it was impossible for her to empty it with her little pail.

impossible.

As I stood by, looking on, I couldn’t help but think back to just an hour earlier.

Just before we arrived at the pool I had a few not so proud mommy moments, where Mackenzie reached in to my soul and drained me of every ounce of patience that I had.  If my heart were a sponge, she would have squeezed every last drop right out of me.  My proverbial buttons were pushed and I exploded!  While it is true that there is an unlimited supply of patience available to me, I’m not always full of patience. There are way too many days where I end up running dry long before my kids are tucked into bed and my head hits the pillow.  I wish it weren’t possible but it is.

very possible, in fact.

And just when I think I’m about to win Mom of the year…  After all, we’re doing so much cool summer stuff together, I’m savoring the chilled-out summer time with my kiddos… and bam!  I forget and I become too independent.  I think I’ve got the bases covered, and I don’t need to fill up with all those things the Holy Spirit offers – you know, love, kindness, goodness, patience…  and all of the fruits that are listed in Scripture for survival…

But the truth is:  I need help to survive as a Mom. I just do.  I need Jesus, everything that He is, and everything that He has promised me for living a fruitful and joyful life.

In Colossians 1 Paul writes a letter where he says, – (this is kind of my own version,) “Hey listen, we just heard y’all are loving God and loving each other – and we’re really excited about it and we hope you are able to keep it up!”    But then Paul, who knows first hand just how difficult it is, tells them he’s praying for them, and this is what he says he is praying for (well, this is the beginning of his prayer):

⁹ For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; ¹⁰ that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; ¹¹ strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; ¹² giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light. ¹³ He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, ¹⁴ in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins.

I like verse 11 so much because he is reminding them it is going to require all of the strength and might offered by the power of Christ to live patiently and faithfully with joy!  This same strength, this unlimited amount of power, the patience and joy that He is talking about, because of Christ’s redeeming work on the cross, is also mine!  I can live the life of a patiently joyful Mom when I appropriate the grace Paul describes.

Patience, joy, love,- all by His power.  I can’t drain it to the bottom.  I can’t squeeze Him empty.  I can’t run Him dry and use it all up!  Praise God,  it is a complete, full and never ending supply!  amen.