the paradox of motherhood

Over the past couple of months, my womanhood as a mother has been tested.    I’ve read articles on blogs and websites about seizing each moment with my children.  Or conversely on not being so worried about each moment. And I’ve been told in the news media that there is a war on mothers- and no one knows how hard this life is that I’m living.  But, on the other hand my opinion isn’t important because I’m not really working at all…

The whole thing has been stressful to my M.O.

I operate in a very high pressure, low-key kind of way, but, only on my terms.  And I don’t like it when my thought processes and my life patterns are disturbed.  In this case, in spite of all the learning from those helpful blogs and articles,  that means the following: I struggle to embrace dirty floors because I feel I haven’t done much if I’ve only swept up crumbs twice in a day.  I may not want to ramp up for a rowdy play time with my children acting like monsters since I’m the mother who truly enjoys quiet time and space and everyone in their own rooms playing peacefully.

In an attempt to live appropriately, I’ve tried to embrace and work through all of the intricate thoughts presented to me and it has resulted in shut down.  And by shut down I mean questioning my every move and motive to the point of being huddled in my white leather chair, housework undone, children running wild after eating only Cheetos for lunch, unable to figure anything out.  at all.

Today desperate times called for desperate measures.  I began to fervently pray and ask the Heavenly Father what to think about the paradox that seemed to be the focal point of my confusion:  How am I supposed to embrace the “every day, each moment”  ideal and hold onto all of life so tightly in my heart, when I also know I must hold it all loosely, because “they’ll be grown before you know it!”?

Hold on tight.  Prepare to let go.

It is so hard for me to comprehend because I don’t have peace when I try to ingest both thought processes in a worldly context.  The pressure for success as a mom is great, almost unbearable.  But today, when my heart was so heavy that I was immobilized, I realized something really important – and with it came a change of mind and renewed thinking that was a gift from the Holy Spirit.

Here it is:  I can look at this paradox thru an earthly lens – And while that lens is in place, “making the most of every moment” and “letting go” are both incredibly stressful.  Every moment counts, because the timeline is paramount, each hour and minute tremendous. After all, there may not be anything else in the great beyond.  That’s a possible world view.  And in some ways it is true…  how we live and what we do with our day to day lives is important to our Heavenly Father.  But, as a believer, if I am moving and breathing (hopefully not hyperventilating) by the power of the Holy Spirit, doing my best to follow His will, maybe this earthly countdown of “here and now” isn’t quite so important…

If I look at the paradox thru an eternal lens – all of a sudden, I’m not looking at a paradox at all.  I’m seeing a minute part of His plan for redemption.  I don’t have to feel the angst of “carpe diem” or the pain of letting my babies grow up.  With eternity in mind, and His redemptive plan deeply rooted in my heart, there is a thought that stands out:  what I can do in this life makes a difference.  But, what He did and continues to do on this earth means a whole lot more.  Remembering what He did on the cross and His victory over death also reminds me that earthly time-keeping will one day be torn apart in eternity.  Allowing my children to grow up and leave home is only a tiny spec in my future history.  And there is coming a day where all will be made perfect, and this earth will be made completely new.

There is no dichotomy because I will spend eternity with my family and loved ones, perfectly worshipping God Almighty.

Does it seem simple minded to think of it this way?  I suppose.  But my heart has been moved to a new safe place of peace and freedom inside this knowledge : I can linger in the middle of every moment, and still prepare  my children for adulthood because ultimately there is no ending. This is only the beginning.

And praise the Lord for this new insight.  I really needed to get some housework done and spend time with my children.

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My beautiful children, treasured gifts from the Lord.