I have a precious son – his name is Isaac. He is a pride and joy to me and Michael. With his strawberry blonde hair and dark brown eyes, he is spunky and loving. At three and a half he looks at me and melts my heart with sincere words, “I wuv you mommy.” There is nothing like the love between a mother and her son.
Recently a friend and I briefly discussed a Bible story. The implications of it have weighed on me for days now. When I think of it, a lump the size of a grapefruit rises in my throat and it cannot be swallowed away. Its the story from 1 Samuel 1. I’m sure you’ve heard it before.
Tonight I went back and re-read it to be sure that I remembered it right. I was hopeful that it wasn’t the scenario I recalled from my childhood sunday school days. But, my memory is as sharp as a tack.
Hannah, prayed to God and made a promise. She begged Him for a son and vowed that if she was given a son, she would give him back to the Lord for his service. Long story short: it happened and she did.
For any mother, this story at face value seems absurd, not to be irreverent of Scripture. I read this story and I try to put myself in Hannah’s spot. What would I have done in her situation? Let me tell you.
I would have tried to follow through. Possibly, I would have packed up my sweet boy, with his clothes and blanket, a few of his favorite toys, his pull-ups (because even now he can’t seem to grasp the potty concept…), some other necessities and we would have headed out for Eli’s place. When we arrived, I would have looked around and began to doubt. This bedroom doesn’t feel right for my little guy. Eli sure is old; he doesn’t seem capable to take care of my darling. What about those sons of Eli? They look a little rough – and their reputation precedes them. What if they are mean to my precious son? And within hours of our arrival, I would have loaded up and headed back home.
Because that’s how I am. I have no idea how to sacrifice. How many times have I tried to “strike a deal” with God – but don’t follow with my end of the bargain? “Please God, if you’ll just __________, then I promise I’ll _____________!” These are deep and dark places in my own heart that I avoid. It is so hard to admit : I am unwilling to give up anything precious to me in return to the one who gave everything for me.
But He is gentle with me. He knows me, in my humanity, and He loves me. He has a way of letting me know where He wants me to acknowledge His ownership. For me it begins with my children. In my head I know these precious souls are His, I am just their earthly guardian for a short time. However, my heart screams out regularly in disagreement. Its a daily surrender for me – a letting go that has to take place minute by minute. My Heavenly Father patiently continues this work, as painful as it is.
My sweet Isaac has no idea that he is a conduit for God’s work in my heart. Someday I hope to share with him how he helped me become more like Jesus. In the meantime I’ll read the story again – maybe, in the future I’ll be able to imagine my ending to the story differently so that It will turn out more like this:
Samuel 1: 25 – 28
…they brought the boy to Eli, and she said to him, “As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.”
md
(written january 10, 2010)
daily portion 