When I discovered that I was going to be a mother more than nine years ago, I was so excited. I had grown up with the desire to have children. With my husband at my side, we began our journey of parenthood. At that time, I had a few concerns in the back of my mind, but overall I felt well prepared. After all – I had wonderful parents growing up and a lovely childhood. Surely their example combined with my own personal experiences were more than enough to make parenting a breeze….
It’s okay. You can laugh out loud. I did, just now.
There were so many things I didn’t know. so many things I’m still learning.
For instance, I didn’t know that little boys had such bad aim and I would have to clean up puddles over and over again. I wasn’t aware that a little baby girl could scream at the top of her teeny tiny lungs for so long. No one told me that a child might throw up at dinner because of an over active gag reflex. I couldn’t find a solution in any parenting book that helped my littlest one sleep through the night, even at 20 months. And I certainly had no idea I would have to break up life and death fights between siblings over a happy meal toy.
There are so many things that experienced parents didn’t give fair warning about. If they had, I’m not sure we would have had any children at all. One thing’s for sure : I didn’t know how to love. I still don’t. I thought I did, all those years ago. But I was wrong.
This realization came to a head today. As pressures from the day added up, I became frustrated. I knew I was about to start acting ugly, (and there is no other word to describe it) and I said out loud, “I CAN’T DO THIS!” After making sure there was no imminent danger, I fled to my room for a few minutes of solace. quiet.
And He said to me in my moments of peace, “You’re right. You can’t do this.”
“But, I am their mom. I should be able to love them well.”
“No. I am the only one who loves them well – you are just one of my conduits…”
And like a hot golden sun emerges over the horizon at sunrise, those thoughts of truth began slowly shining brightly into my heart.
I can give my children affection; kisses and hugs are distributed liberally at our house. I have mothering instincts to protect them from harm, care for them when they are sick or provide for their needs. No, I have that kind of love. But, there are times when they need more. Unfortunately there is a large chasm between what I can do and what my little ones need. When frustrations mount, when I come to the end of myself and my earthly abilities; when its just not enough, that is when the love that He’s given me more than fills that gap and it overflows to my children.
More than my motherly affection they need the love of a Heavenly Father. It’s the same love which He has liberally and graciously given to me. And the Holy Spirit, at work in my heart wants to use my life to pour that love into my children. I don’t have to create it, only He can do that. I just have to be the willing vessel.
Who knew? I didn’t understand it. not like this.
from 1 John 4:
7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9 In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
12 No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us. 13 By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. 15Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16 And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.
These verses seem to sum it up for me and give me confidence to be the loving mother that He wants me to be. Its true. I have a lot to learn as a parent. But, I am thankful that He took time to remind me today. His love is best. always.
daily portion 