My daughter Emily and I began our journey through third grade last week. She is doing well, so far and we are enjoying the time together. She is my first born child so its all very new and fresh. I’ve never had an eight year old before. I find myself so grateful each day for each little moment. Even when the spelling words are “too hard” or the subtraction review will “take too long,” we are finding the grace to work through each question.
This morning I realized that Emily will soon be 9. As we did our math worksheets, one of the questions was 18 – 9. The answer is, of course, 9. When she answered that particular question a little alarm went off in my mind… ding ding ding ding ding ding ding…. I had to step away from the table and catch my breath.
I sat down on my bed and tried to re-do the math in my head. Surely it can’t be – I’m already almost half way through my time at home with Emily. Half way through her life spent in our house. Nine down, nine to go, presuming she goes to college or decides to be independent. Its almost surreal… certainly unbelievable. Completely unacceptable.
I am that mom who would love for my children to stay little. I can’t imagine Emily being ready for college, taking care of herself, driving, making her own decisions. And this is probably the crux of the matter – I am a bit of a control freak. How can I be sure that she’ll be okay? What if she’s too far away and I can’t help her? What if she needs something that I can’t provide? Of course I know the answer in my head, but its having a hard time making its way to my heart. I think there’s a big lump in my throat that’s blocking the path…
God will provide for her, He will care for her, His angels will protect her. And, far better than I ever could, I might add. But when the reality of letting go inches closer, I have a hard time loosening my grip.
“She’s mine, isn’t she? I mean, You gave her to me to take care of…didn’t you?”
and He says, “No, no she’s mine. I have loved her sacrificially more than you are humanly able. and I promise I will provide for her and care for her and protect her…
“You promise, right?” (what a ridiculous question… I am so hard headed)
“I have done all of these things for you, probably more than you will ever know this side of Heaven. “Trust me, I will do the same for Emily. ”
In the quiet of this moment, I found the sweet relief of trusting Him. He is able to fulfill the plans for my daughter far above my own efforts, my own ability. It is here that I can rest. It is here that my grasp can begin to lessen, just a bit.
I’m reminded of a song that we sing at church once in a while:
(and I’m including all of the words because these words lift my heart)
“Jesus I am resting, resting In the Joy of what Thou art; I am finding out the greatness Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee, And Thy beauty fills my soul, For by Thy transforming power Thou hast made me whole.
Chorus: Jesus, I am resting, resting In the joy of what Thou art; I am finding out the greatness Of Thy loving heart.
O how great Thy loving kindness. Vaster, broader than the sea! O how marvellous Thy goodness, Lavished all on me! Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved, Know Thy certainty of promise, And have made it mine.
Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus, I behold Thee as Thou art, And Thy love, so pure, so changeless, Satisfies my heart; Satisfies its deepest longings, Meets supplies its every need, Compasseth me round with blessings; Thine is love indeed!
Ever lift Thy face upon me, As I work and wait for Thee; Resting ‘neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus, Earth’s dark shadows flee. Brightness of my Father’s glory, Sunshine of my Father’s face, Keep me ever trusting, resting; Fill me with Thy grace.”
Heavenly Father, May I rest in you and your unfailing promises. At the crossroads of change or uncertainty let me look for you, first. Thank you for this loving kindness that you daily show to me and my family – it is vaster and broader than the sea. Though I may grow a bit anxious some times, keep my heart tethered to you with trust. amen
Our seventh day of third grade finished up beautifully… I can only hope fourth grade will go so well!
daily portion 