Today I stopped by my husband’s place of work to trade cars with him. We met up and he took the van to park it, while I sat in his Sentra, on the first floor of the parking garage. Its not that long ago that this particular place, downtown, was also my place of employment. The parking garage was familiar to me because it was where he and I parked together almost every day for close to three years.
Three years ago I was absolutely one of the most grateful women alive because God had blessed me to be able to stay at home with my children. It was what I had prayed for. No, begged for. He had heard my cry and answered, “Yes.”
And its not because my employment was miserable that I had the desire to be home. I enjoyed the people. I had made friends and the job itself wasn’t so bad – I could accomplish what was needed. But – it wasn’t my calling. And when I use the word “calling” – I mean that gut wrenching, all encompassing desire for a particular vocation – a holy desire planted by the Spirit. My desire to be a home maker, at home, with my children was from the Lord.
As I spent days in my cubicle waiting for it to come to pass, I dreamed of how it would be. I longed to be nurturing and creative, loving and warm with my children every day. I couldn’t wait for my home to have the aroma of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. To have dinner ready for my husband when he got home from a long day at work – maybe a cold glass of sweet tea to wet his whistle – was top priority. These were my hopes.
Three years have come and gone but it feels like I just began my journey home a few weeks ago. Sitting in the parking garage today really gave me a reality check. Am I fulfilling my calling? If it were strictly about the chocolate chip cookies, I would definitely be hitting the mark. But its not.
As I pulled out of the parking garage and drove home, I thought. When I arrived at the house and sat at the table for an afternoon of school planning, my heart was a bit numb. I thought some more.
I prayed.
“Lord, am I managing? Am I even coming close to doing what you have called me to do?”
“No,” He said, “But you don’t have to. Remain in me.”
“I’m not creative, I’m not nurturing, I’m not…” I began listing my lack of qualifications for the job.
“But, I am. And you, my child, have been created in my image,” the Heavenly Father reminded me.
*sigh*
“I need to plan my school year for Emily today… will You help me?”
“Daughter, I was with you in the parking garage three years ago and today too. Don’t you know that I will help you this year?”
*tears*
John 15 : 4&5 “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”
My afternoon was blessed with many plans, beautiful creativity and thoughts for my daughter that were from His heart. There is nothing more wonderful than His personal assuring presence in my life. Its my prayer that we do nothing apart from Him this year : fulfilling His calling with His help.
What else could I ask for? Well, maybe some chocolate chip cookies…
daily portion 