I had to look away. Emily was looking me in the face. Her dark brown eyes were wide, full of confusion and disappointment. I hadn’t really experienced these emotions with my sweet girl before. A friend had hurt her – this was an anomaly to my daughter – this was her best friend causing her pain and it could not be explained away. There was nothing to be said – I had no comfort for her. And I certainly couldn’t look her in the eyes – I was feeling her pain too deeply to think clearly.
They say that eyes are the window to the soul. That’s what they say anyway. I find that to be very true – especially when I’m looking my loved ones in the face. You can’t miss it, really. The look on my son’s face when he is hurt, bringing me his pain, tears welling around his beautiful eyes. He looks at me as if to say, “why aren’t you making this better?” And all I can possibly do is kiss it.
Or my friend who is admitted to the hospital – her body debilitated- I have lost count she has been there so often… I look on her face and her eyes are lonely. She has spent holidays here away from her family, weeks on weeks over the summer while her darling little daughter takes vacations with someone else. What can be said to my dear friend who battles for her life? She doesn’t even look at me with expectation these days. All I can do is give words of encouragement that come out like stale platitudes.
There is a friend who I don’t see often. We are separated by miles – it might as well be millions. I don’t get to look her in the eye, except in pictures, I suppose. She is a single mom. Her husband past away several years ago and she is left to raise her four children alone. We chat at a distance, over the phone, over email – but never a hug or a shoulder rub. This is the best I have to offer – but it doesn’t change the fact that her road is hard and long.
There are many forms of pain – each of us experience different levels of pain through out our lives. Physical, emotional, mental. For some of us it comes early in life and alters our young perception of the world. How can one continue with living life to the fullest? Some, it happens upon us later in life. One can only wonder if this life has been a cruel joke ending with a sick punch line. In this state, how can life end with grace?
And I don’t really have a whole lot of answers.
My thoughts divert to the eyes of Christ. My heart wants to look to him for answers. I wonder what his eyes were like. More to the point, I mean, what would I have seen in His eyes when he was hanging on the cross. Was there confusion, and angst and pain? As He gave us the largest gift ever known to mankind – was there anything in his eyes beyond misery?
We say it all the time without allowing it to sink in. “He gave His life for us.” But today like a bold epiphany a bright light appears. Its not just this plain generalization in my mind. Its an answer to the question…
“Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”
Isaiah 53: 4-5.
From the smallest of pains inflicted, to the largest gaping wounds – his death carried out here, on the cross, was for the healing of my afflictions. And not just for me, but for all who need the heavenly father’s touch. Its far better than what I could ever offer to those I hold dear.
Now I know that my Savior, watches from heavenly places, eyes bright with joy and love -He is pleased that my journey continues. And I’m sure of it now more than ever: He loves me. Someday I’ll see it when I look in His eyes, face to face!
md
(written November 18, 2009)
daily portion 